I awoke this morning feeling “different.” Different is such a cliché word, so, as I write, I will try to articulate it better. I feel lighter. I feel motivated. I feel emotional (that’s not too different of a feeling for me, yet it is how I feel nonetheless). I feel as if I finally surrendered…
I have written about the Friendship Devotional that I have been participating in with my friend, Danielle, before. As I got up this morning, I felt motivated to play catch-up with the book, for over the past few weeks (even though it is only February 7th and I started the Devotional on January 1st) I have not made it a priority. In fact, I have not done much to make God or my relationship with Him much of a priority at all. Yesterday, I decided that that needed to change; more importantly, I need to change.
Today, my husband began a 20-day fast. Friends of ours, Jason and Melissa, inspired Gage to sacrifice for God as a declaration of and submission to his Faith. Yesterday, during an emotional roller-coaster ride I endured while we held an Open House for our still-on-the-market Kirkwood home, I had a very enlightening conversation with Danielle regarding the same subject (submission). Since my surgery, I have felt the need to take control of my recovery; with that, I have tried to control my body, my household, my finances, my workplace, my environments (including the weather!) and my relationships. Since my surgery, as the pain increased and my hoped declined, I have felt so out-of-control that, instead of giving it – ALL of it – to God, I tried to handle it all myself.
A long time ago, Melissa told me one of her favorite prayers, “When I cannot, God can.” As I read my devotional today, I was reminded of this prayer when I read, “God often puts us in situations that are too much for us so that we will learn that no situation is too much for him,” (Erwin Lutzer). Danielle reminded me of this fact, too, yesterday when she re-told the sermon which she heard that morning. She said, “Nothing on this earth is ours, it is all God’s. Our money is His. Our bodies are His. Our possessions are His. Our relationships are His. He never takes anything away from us that He didn’t belong to Him first…”
This realization hit me hard. It made me recognize that instead of being angry with God that my body is still hurting and healing, I need to be thankful that I have legs that walk, hands that can hold others and eyes that see. This awareness also made me see that instead of my resentment towards our Kirkwood home, I feel thankful that, even though I am not working full-time and Gage and I are trying desperately to pay our medical and monthly bills, we have not needed to go into credit-card debt or borrow from others in order to pay for both of our homes. Additionally, even though I have not gotten to go shopping for “fun” items (such as clothes, shoes or other girly gems), I have not gone a day without food, water, shelter or love. I feel as if my eyes are finally open to my blessings and for that, I am eternally thankful!
At the appointment I had with my Surgeon on Friday, we left with little news. On the positive, the x-rays revealed that bone is starting to grow around my fusion; therefore, validating that the fusion “took” and that the surgery “was a success” (according to my doctor). Even though I still battle pain, I will acknowledge these statements as a victory and a gift! Unfortunately, The Surgeon could not speak to my hip problems. At first, this made me angry, for he is an Orthopedic Specialist (as my mother-in-law sang to me over the phone when I told her what The Surgeon said, “Isn’t the hip-bone connected to the spine-bone?”) and I wanted him to have all of the answers. But, he is a Spine Specialist. Then again, as my other mother-in-law reminded me, “That (The Surgeon’s specialty) is what makes him so good!”
Even though on Friday, I was not granted answers nor pain-relief,I realized that I still have many blessings in which I am looking forward and thankful:
- Bernie, the wonderful assistant at The Surgeon’s office, offered to show my hip MRI to the Hip Specialist at her office. She said she would be happy to consult with him and then call me with his recommendations.
- While at The Surgeon’s office, his specific PT, Janet, (whom is not covered under my insurance and also whom The Surgeon required me to see regarding consent over post-operation exercises and treatment) happened to be in the office, so I was able to spontaneously have an appointment with her FREE of charge! Janet gave me a list of some light exercises I can do to build my upper-body strength; however, after reading my MRI report, she acknowledged my sprained hip and told me to follow Dr. Julie’s treatment plan regarding Aerobic Exercise and low-body work-outs. At the end of the consult with Janet, she remarked, “I have heard of Dr. Julie. You are in good hands.”
- Tomorrow, I go in for the second-half of my PT eval with Dr. Julie and my long-awaited Biofeedback appointment with Mark. While I am there, I have my Scholarship Application ready to turn in and will hopefully begin the process to receiving financial assistance for my pain-management treatments.
- Gage and I are working as a Team to determine the next best-steps regarding the Kirkwood house. We have faith that God will continue to provide for us so that we can manage both households – even if, due to my new treatments and hip sprain, I may need to take more time off of work to heal.
Most importantly, I am SO thankful for the support I have received from all of my family and friends. I cannot thank each and every one of YOU enough! I have posted some pictures of those who have been by Gage and my side through the pain and laughter these past eight months. This blog is dedicated to each of you (those pictured and not-pictured; you know who you are...). THANK YOU! I love you!
