I went in for my MRI yesterday. After a grueling 2 hours in painful positions, the preliminary results were as follows:
- Neck: normal
- Spine: curvature detected
- Low Back: scoliosis and "noted changes since surgery" (whatever that means...)
- Hip MRI: muscle sprains
Now, on top of my back "problems" I have what can be only described as "beyond a reasonable doubt" evidence of hip problems, too.
I should receive the official Radiology report within a few days, and I will take this information to my Biofeedback Specialist and Physical Therapist on Tuesday when I have my follow-up appointment.
Stay Tuned...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Eye on the Ball
For Christmas, my dear friend Danielle gave me a Friendship Devotional. Our goal is to, together, read one page each day and then once a week, we are to journal-and-connect about something in which we read. The book is amazing; it even has a page on the 7th day called "To Ponder with a Friend" that includes 4 discussion questions or goals. Because Danielle and I both lead demanding lives, we decided that we would choose 1 topic question to focus on together.
This week, the question that struck out the most to me was:
“There is something about the faith of a child… Have you ever been touched by a child’s faith and belief in God or a prayer a child has prayed for you? If so, write or share about this. What did you learn from that child?” (Aldrich & Fuller, The One Year Women’s Friendship Devotional, 2008).
Even though, working in a school with students with special needs, I encounter more than one moment each day where I am “touched” by a child; however, when I read this topic, my mind kept returning to a moment I shared with my faithful pooch, Lady, about 4 years ago.
My friend Melissa came over to my old apartment with her dog, Bailey. She and Bailey were playing with Lady and me when something in particular caught my eye… When it was Lady’s turn to play fetch, she wouldn’t keep her eye off the ball. Her body was in the “ready” position, her happy tail wagged expectantly, and she was genuinely smiling. I said to Melissa, “I want to always look towards God that way.”
Dogs are such amazing creatures! Their love is so unconditional; they never question your commands; every encounter with you is as cheerful as the next; they are loyal; they are forgiving. I’ve often thought that we could learn a lot from our pets!
I was so touched by my metaphor with Lady’s eye-on-the-ball as it related to my walk with Christ, that I tried to capture it on film; however, even the pictures didn’t do the moment justice. Nonetheless, whenever I play fetch with Lady, she never fails to demonstrate the same excitement, trust and anticipation as she did that day when we played with Melissa and Bailey.
I wish I could say that my walk with Jesus has been as loyal; I wish I could say that I have never doubted His commands or the challenges brought into my life. I wish I could truthfully say that I have always kept my eyes on God even when suffering or confused…
This past week has been particularly challenging for me and, I admit, I have not responded to God’s tests with unconditional love and loyalty. Regarding my recovery, I learned that these next two weeks are going to be tough to say the least. Dr. Mark has repeatedly suspected that my pain has a root beyond my back; two weeks ago, using muscle-contraction sensors, we deduced that there are some major discrepancies between my left low-back and right low-back muscles, in addition to suspect hip-joint conditions. He offered two theories:
1. Even though the spinal fusion surgery may have helped my disc problems in my low back, if “the mechanics” (as Mark refers to my body) are not in place, neither the Biofeedback therapy nor the surgery are going to relieve my back and leg pain.
2. Based on the sensor-responses through the Biofeedback therapy, we noted that even when standing on my right foot and putting all my weight on the right side of my body, my muscles showed no sign of contraction or distress (whereas they did on my left side and, frankly, should have); Mark’s theory is that if is not related to a hip-problem, then it may be a neurological problem.
“What’s the plan?” Dr. Mark asked me upon discussing these theories and my up-coming February 4th appointment with my Orthopedic Surgeon. Ideally, I would:
- continue Biofeedback Therapy once/week
- get an MRI for my hips and back
- get a Physical Therapy Evaluation
- consult with a Pain Management Specialist
- consult with a Primary Physician.
Realistically, I cannot physically do all of these things, so on Tuesday the 18th, I have my MRI appointment; on Tuesday the 25th I will have a physical therapy evaluation; I will cancel my Biofeedback appointments during those two weeks and then see Dr. Mark on February 1st then take all of the gathered reports to The Surgeon on February 4th. Additionally, my Primary Physician cannot see me until April and I will attempt to have a phone consult with my previous Pain Management Specialist before I see The Surgeon.
Whew! Just thinking of the busyness of the weeks ahead of me is exhausting! And, as I admitted above, hearing the news that my pain could be caused by more than my recovering back, I was deeply discouraged. I cried continuously for two days; I withdrew from my husband, my family and my friends; I found tears welling in my eyes at work at inappropriate times; and, instead of giving my concerns to God and asking my Prayer Warriors to fight for me, I literally turned off the lights in my home and tried to hide from the pain, my schedule and my reality.
On day 3 of my dark-hole existence, I read something inspirational in my Devotional; then I returned to the Discussion Questions. As always, Lady was at my side, head in my lap while tears dripped onto her fur, when God reminded me of that day, years ago, when I played fetch with her…
Lady doesn’t care when I throw the ball or how many times I play with her each week; she just knows that if she brings me a toy, I will throw it for her. Lady doesn’t mind if I am an hour late feeding her; she just knows that I will always give her food. Lady doesn’t expect me to pet her 1,000 times a day; she just knows that I will never ignore or neglect her. In looking at my (six-year-old) pup, I remembered how I should be looking to God.
In order for me to keep my eyes to the Lord, I recognize that I cannot question Him as often as I do; for I need to “just know” that He will always care for me and provide, even when discouraged, in pain or penniless. I must stop trying to control every aspect of my life; I need to “let go and let God” take over. I will start sharing with my loved ones my challenges and my cries, for God has placed them in my life to lift me up to Him when I am too weak to lift my own eyes to heaven. Most importantly, I will not give up on my faith and the faith that God’s plans are much greater than my own.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Goodbye for Now...
"Maybe I should sell my bike," I suggested to Dr. Mark. During our most recent Biofeedback sessions, Mark and I began discussing the reality of my condition. He did not tell me, "you will not get better;" however, he said that it might help me recover if I stopped thinking about everything that I cannot do; which is difficult, because there is little that I can do that can distract me and to replace these menacing thoughts. Mark explained that the only way for me to get over the part of me that is currently disabled is for me to grieve it.
What do I miss???
- I miss doing yoga; I miss stretching; I miss pilates; I miss working-out; I miss running; I miss walking my dog; I miss playing tennis; I miss kickboxing; I miss swimming, I miss hiking...
- I miss being able to go shopping, to go to the grocery store, to do laundry, to clean my house, to try on clothes for fun, to pet my dog while standing, to make my bed, to put on shoes, to do the dishes...
- I miss dancing at weddings, going to the movies, seeing a play, enjoying a two-hour dinner, going to a party with more than 10 guests, planning social events two-nights in a row...
For my 29th Birthday, Gage bought me a bicycle. My birthday is in August. Early that summer, Gage and I had taken up cycling and I loved it! I felt like a little girl every time we went down a steep hill and my stomach hit my throat. I literally squealed with joy at each downward slide! Despite the love of the ride, I threw my back out that very July. Gage and I both thought I'd "get better" and he went ahead and bought me my beloved bike for my birthday so that I no longer had to use one of his "boy" bikes. That was a year and a half ago and I've ridden my beautiful, purple bike with a ladybug helmet one time.
When I learned that I would need spinal fusion surgery, we kept the bike. It was something I could look forward to when I recovered. It was my future reward for enduring the pain and achieving the desired results. However, as months went by and my recovery endured challenge after challenge, I started to look at the bike with contempt. We stored it in the garage and after each trip, whether it was to the store or coming home from work, I looked at the bike and realized that it was taunting me. Every time I stepped into the garage, I saw my nemesis. My bike became my back's enemy.
After my Biofeedback session with Mark, I spent weeks crying. All I could think about was all that I was missing. I felt that I had nothing left in life in which to look forward. I explained what I was going through to my compassionate husband, and when I told him that I was considering selling the birthday gift that he had so thoughtfully given me, he said, "I understand. Whatever you need to do to grieve, I support you."
So I grieved... as with any mourning period, I had to say good-bye to my past and all that I lost.
Last week, I started to come to terms with my mourning and my reality. Most importantly, I decided not to sell my bike. I also decided to stop looking at everything that I was missing, and start looking at how far I've come in my recovery. I decided that it is time to look forward to life post-surgery...
Since my surgery, I can now:
- walk 3 miles without my walker
- slow dance in the kitchen with my husband
- (attempt to) work 4 days each week
- cook a meal for my hubby at least once a month
- go to a matinee show as long as I bring a pillow and go to a theater where I can stretch across a row of seats
- have friends over to visit and not retire after 2 hours
- help Gage with small chores around the house
- do mild stretches
- take a bath (oh, how I missed those bathes...)
I look forward to a million things after I fully recovery. My top three are:
1. Riding my bike.
2. Playing tennis.
3. Traveling to see long-distance friends and family.
In every season of grief, there comes a corner which one must turn. For a while, I turned my back on the hope that I will one day recover. Even though I still have a journey ahead of me, I have faith in each step that I now take, for the steps are becoming less and less painful every day and the distance is increasing each week.
One day, I will feel my stomach drop at the bottom of a hill while on two-wheels again...
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Fear Not...
I used to love parties. My mom always referred to me as a “social butterfly.” I did not have a shy bone in my body. I liked to arrive “fashionably late,” to make an entrance, but I was always the last to leave. A smile came naturally to me; however, ever since the surgery I find it the hardest expression to make…
Last Sunday, I was getting ready for my parent’s annual St. Nicholas Party. I grew up on St. Nicholas street. What kid could be so lucky as to live on a street where Christmas was thought of every time she turned into her driveway? The neighborhood honored this by hosting a yearly parade, followed by a party.
Ever since I could remember, I went to the St. Nick Party. On this special day, the street was closed and every household was filled with children waiting for Santa and adults filling their bellies with delicious food. Even after all of the neighbors, and eventually my parents, moved from St. Nicholas Street, my mom continued to host the party. Every December, I awaited this party and the opportunity to love old friends; this Sunday; however, was different.
The Bible tells me not to fear, for fear is not of the Lord (2 Timothy 1:7), yet I openly admit that this is the commandment in which I struggle the most. When I started work after the surgery, I was in a tremendous amount of pain daily and I did not hide it well. One day, a colleague said to me, “… unless you’ve ever lived with chronic pain yourself, you don’t understand it….” I only comprehended part of what she was telling me that day. In August, I assumed she was merely discussing the physical component of pain. Now, I believe she was also encouraging me to be strong when the “emotional side-effects” took their toll.
This past Sunday, I awoke with a great deal suffering. My lower-back was throbbing. This scared me, because usually when I wake-up I am stiff and barely in any sort of pain at all. The aches and anguish don’t typically begin for hours into my day. This throbbing sent fear throughout my entire being. Notice, I said “typically.” For six months now, pain has been my companion; some days it hides it ugly face and masks itself as stiffness or soreness in my muscles, other days it attacks every part of me. Last Sunday, it was the later.
What I have come to recognize is that it is not only the pain that disables me, but the fear of this pain overwhelms me entirely. Now, I understand what my colleague was saying to me four months ago. When one’s body is in agony, it can be controlling. Not only does it limit one’s ability to physically act, it assaults the mind’s way of thinking.
Because I have experienced agony for so long, I have learned to look for triggers, or precursors, both bodily and mindfully that induce the pain. In preparing for the St. Nick Party, my mind filled with precautions of possible triggers:
1. 60 people are expected to attend this party; do they all know of my surgery?
2. If not, will I be equipped to discuss it with them without getting upset about my slow recovery or suffering?
3. Because there will be so many people, will I be able to sit or stand comfortably in my mother’s house?
4. Will someone give up a chair for me? Will I have the courage to ask them to?
5. What if someone bumps into me?
6. What if I accidentally twist my body?
7. What if someone embraces me for a hug and squeezes me too hard?
8. Of the 60 guests, at least 20 children will be there. What if one of them tugs me?
9. What if one of them plops into my lap without my readiness?
10. Will I be able to hold my friend’s new baby?
11. Will I be able to play with her toddler?
12. Will I be able to maneuver throughout the maze of adults, furniture, Christmas decorations and children to get from one place to another without jolting my body?
13. What if I am unable to help “Santa” (aka my husband) get ready for his grand entrance and the center of this festivity?
14. Will someone else be his “Elf” since I am unable to bend over to reach for gifts, wrapping paper or help a child into Santa’s lap?
15. Will my husband feel like he is “babysitting” me because he knows my fears and will do anything to avoid me facing them?
16. Can my body tolerate the 70 minute round-trip drive on top of attending the party itself?
17. Will my body be able to relax itself once the cold, outside air hits it and my muscles automatically react with tension?
18. What if I slip on black ice while walking to the car?
19. Will anyone be upset if I leave early?
20. Should I even go???
To a person who does not live with chronic pain, these questions probably seem unnecessary – possibly even ridiculous. To me; however, they are a way of life. Every morning that I wake, I have to make a mental note of what the day requires of me. I must plan my schedule, outfit, endurance and medication around it. There are so many times that the mere thought of what the day holds before me is so exhausting that I must force myself not to crawl back into bed and bawl.
I made it through the party, and that is exactly how I feel – like I accomplished something great because I went to a Christmas Party. I cried for a half an hour before we left prior to the event because I was so afraid of all of the “what-ifs” then my husband wiped my eyes, held my hand, walked me to the car, and we found our way to jolly-ole St. Nicholas. Out of all of the fears, only a few actually perspired: my muscles had a hard time releasing from the cold weather’s grip on them once inside the warm house, I was unable to help Santa both get dressed and pass out gifts, I could hold my best friend’s baby; however, when holding an older infant, I assaulted the muscles on my left side (where the baby’s head rested), I twisted one too many times to give a hug or get around the house but always had a cozy seat saved for me, everyone there knew of the surgery so I did not have to re-live it that night through a story; however, I did get the “do you have to go now?” questions when we left about two short hours after arriving. Like I said, I made it.
Christmas Eve is three days away and yesterday, the day after the St. Nick Party, while my body recovered the mere thought of the activities surrounding the next occasion and the events to follow overwhelmed me to the point of near-hysterics.
About two months ago, my sister offered to host the Christmas Eve Party which I had taken on when I moved to a bigger home two years ago. Both offended and, ironically, filled with hope, I declined. My family thought I was foolish. I told them, “I have faith that by Christmas Eve, I will be healed and ready to celebrate with a party.” Sadly, so far, I was wrong. Last night, while in tremendous pain, Gage and I contemplated canceling the party or asking my sister if she were still willing to host; however, even with the extra effort it takes to host the party, I am more comfortable in my own home than traveling around St. Louis to attend a party at someone else’s house. Nonetheless, we decided to keep the party; however, now we are reconsidering the plans for the days following. We do not know if my body can handle all of the demands of the holiday, especially when, because of the large number of invitations from our loving family members, we were invited to four full days of festivities. We do not know which events we should say “no” to, and which would be easiest on my muscles and we should plan on attending.
Regardless of which events Gage and I attend around the holidays, we know that our families and friends will understand. Regardless of what feelings of fear consume me, I know that the Word commands me to live with hope. Regardless of the aches I feel today, a part of me still believes that it is not too late to have a pain-free Christmas. I write today to acknowledge my reservations, and to release them. This year, all I want for Christmas is a day without fear, a day filled with hope and the healing that God has begun in me…
http://www.alighthouse.com/fearnot.htm
Friday, December 10, 2010
Prayer Warriors at their BEST
December 3rd - present
I am so inspired by the love that God has sent to me through each of you... I am beyond touched and I cannot possibly thank each and every one of you for your encouragement!
This is what YOU, my Prayer Warriors, said to me (if anyone needs me to delete something, please let me know and I will be happy to do so!):
Hello My Love,
Thank you for sharing your praise report! I am so sorry you are fealing defeated, depleted, and down this afternoon. I was really convinced that you would have a great day today and I'm sorry that's not the case.
Know that things WILL get better. You are already so much better than just a few weeks ago and God WILL make you completely better. I envision you riding bikes, playing tennis, and doing some other physical activities :)
Stay positive, my love. All will be well.
I love you,
-Gage
Dear Steph,
You need a JOY infusion! I’m telling you, it’s great!
I’ll share with you, my friend’s advice this week: Rather than try to be super mom all day and feel defeated because I can’t, just try to be a great mom for 15 minutes a day. The kids will love it and it’s manageable. …… see the connection…. You’re the mom and your body/spirit are the three crazy kids …… J Small, manageable stuff. The rest of the day will work itself out. I liked her advice this week. It’s helped. Hang in there!
Love,
Shannon
Be encouraged Stephanie. Paul wrote something for you...
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,j whok have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Paul The Apostle
- Jeremy
Oh, sweetie... God loves you so much and is continuing to heal you! His plan is bigger than anything you or I or anyone could ever know. He is continuing to strengthen you more and more each day, as you are SUCH a great patient! LOL! And even though you aren't recovering as quickly as I know you wanted - that doesn't mean you aren't getting better. May God's peace continue to be all over you, and His healing power overwhelm you! His blood was enough - continue to take communion and remind yourself of your healing. Look at what God says and not at what you may see. I love you!!!! *hugs*
~ Mel
Stephanie,
So many times in our lives we all doubt that God is there and is He helping us when we seem to be at our lowest. That is the time to lean and lean heavily on our Christian friends to help left our spirits and our prayers to God. I cannot imagine the pain you are asked to endure on a daily basis, and I do not know God's plan for you, but I do know that He has a plan. In our "human"ness (not a word) we can't see or totally understand, but we (you, me and all your Christian brothers and sisters) must stand strong and believe that God holds you in the palm of His Hand and He will bring you out on the other side so you can enjoy the fruits of this life.
Don't ever doubt your faith cause God knows your heart!!!!!!!
I don't know what I can do to help, but all you need to do is ask or point me in the right direction and I will. Prayers, prayers, prayers is the course we all need to stay focused on.
God put Gage in your life for a reason and one of those reasons was to be a strength to you right now. Let him be there for you and let him take care of you and the house. Just think of all the times that you have been there for him. I'm sure he does. He loves you.
You will get thru the small paychecks because some kind way, God provides. He always does. Don't push yourself too much at school. Whatever we do, it is never enough in the eyes of our employer, so stop!!!!! Just do what you comfortably can and let stuff go. What you do or do not do will not get these children into Harvard nor will it keep them out of Harvard! We are one small bleep on their educational journey. They will survive!!!!
WE WORK FOR GOD.... HE WILL PROVIDE OUR STUDENTS WITH WHAT THEY NEED EVEN IN OUR WEAKNESSES. PUT YOUR STUDENTS IN GOD'S HANDS TOO!!!!!
None of this will really make you feel better right now. But we are all here for you. God has given you a lot of blessings, as you pointed out. So keep your eyes on Him and what He has blessed you with, and take everything one day, one hour, at a time.
Love,
Maryann
Steph,
Please remember that my father-in-law said at 6 months post-(back)surgery he wouldn't have done it but 6 months later said his quality of life had improved dramatically from the procedure.
I wish you weren't in pain, my love, but I know that you are strong and that this, too, will pass. I often think of a native american saying that has brought me solace in times of struggle. I can't remember the exact wording but the message is something like, "When I ask the Great Spirit for strength, challenges are laid before me that I might overcome them." ... You are blessed by true, honest love. So many live an entire life and never know such pleasure! Keep holding your head gracefully high my darling friend. You are healing and you will overcome this challenge in your life.
I love you!
The Other Steph
Hey Steph~
I am so glad I got this. I was JUST praying for you about 20 minutes ago, just praying for your continued healing. It's good to have a specific request now. I am so sorry you are struggling. I am so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how Satan creeps in those moments and tries to wreck our faith and confidence that we serve a BIG God who gives healing and hope!!! I would encourage you to find a short scripture that you can recite each and every time you find the enemy creeping in. He longs to take our thoughts and we MUST take each one of them captive with scripture and the promises from God!!! He does hear you and has a plan for your process at this time, I'm just sorry it's a process of suffering. Our suffering makes us well aware of our need for God and that much more thankful for His sacrifice on the cross. Try to dwell on those things as much as you can!
Please let me know how I can serve you and Gage. I love you guys!
Erin
Hi Stephanie,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I promise I was there. I was SO frustrated. I started telling myself all these lies… I’ll never be able to teach with this back, I’ll never run again, I’ll never be able to clean my room/house, I’ll never be able to do normal things a 20 something should do, I’ll never be able to fly anywhere… I was TOTALLY there. Nothing anyone said made me feel better because I always thought to myself, “How do you know!?”
Obviously we have different back issues, different surgeries, different bodies… however, I went through the same things emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and (probably) physically. It is a hard and lonely road, but stay strong. Stay positive. Keep looking to the progress even if it is much less than the pain. Sometimes life hits us hard and we have to SLOW down more than we are comfortable doing. Yikes. I hated slowing down, especially when I was 21. You have progressed and you will continue to. It’s just taking a LONG time. I know you must be super frustrated, especially with a new husband to take care of and kiddos at school who depend on you. Try, try to stay positive. Stay in the Word. No matter what I read or what I hear, I’m always directed back to Scripture. All truth is found in there. I think I usually stray from scripture when I’m going through challenging things. I don’t know why I do that, but I know it’s where I should be. God will speak to you through the word.
Sorry for that scrambled message! As I read your email, my heart sank because I know what your going through—or at least a version of it. I’m so sorry! Let me know if there is any other way I can help. Let me know if you ever want to talk, watch a movie, whatever! I am up for just laying around (literally!)
Love,
Katy
hi Steph-- thank you for filling me in { and being open, honest and real} Of course, my prayers are with you. I have a book that I think it would be a good one, for you to read. It is written by Joni Erackson Tada--. She has dealt with Pain levels that are more than she can bear.{ She has been paralyzed since a diving accident when she was very young. She is remarkable-- a singer, author, outstanding artist, --but most of all she knows Jesus Christ and the power of God in her life. What a testimony she is , but this level of pain is new in just this last year.. { If you would like me to bring the book, I'd be so happy to. { Maybe you already know about Joni. She has her own website--{ you can type in her name and it will come up --Or there is a site Joni and Friends. Love julie
Hey Stephanie,
I wish I had some brilliant advice to give you, but anything I'd re-state you've probably already heard. What I do have to share with you is what came to my mind when I read this update - - all that kept coming to my mind was the following:
"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13)
I went to Blue letter bible and looked up the word "Stand" - and a LOT of verses came up. I hope these can maybe encourage you to just keep standing strong... no matter what comes your way:
"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
(1 Corinthians 15:58)
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong."
(1 Corinthians 16:13)
"Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm." (2 Corinthians 1:24)
"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." (Ephesians 6:11)
"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place," (Ephesians 6: 14)
----- A portion of what is mentioned in some of these verses has to do with the Armor of God, which also came to mind when I was thinking about "Standing" firm. (Ephesians 6)
I hope this can be encouraging... even as I was reading through these verses, I was personally inspired to just continue to be strong in areas of my life where I've kind of slacked off, or just thought "well, maybe things will never change for the better".
I hope you are having a good week so far - It's only Monday - blah! I will be transitioning jobs here on the 17th (but pulling 60+ hours a week until then). Maybe we can get together for lunch one day that you're either working a half, or have the day off after my schedule slows down?
Be encouraged - people are praying for you and standing with you. You are an amazingly strong and courageous woman!
-Faith-
Stephanie,
Your e-mail touched my heart deeply because it reminded me (and Pat) of past times of suffering and disappointment in our lives . . . and how difficult it was to pray, sometimes, during those times of the dark nights of the soul. That is why we believe so strongly in the prayer of others for us . . . it is so important when we are discouraged and feel that God is not paying any attention, that other people of faith keep lifting us up to God.
I like e-mail, but there are times when only the human voice can convey (more wholly) the love and concern we have for that person (you!). When I first start talking to you on your machine, I felt close to tears because I so wanted all this suffering to be over for you. For some reason, I can accept pain and suffering in an older person . . . but not in a younger person. Ah . . . God's plan . . . so hard to understand or accept sometimes.
Lastly, I want to repeat that Pat reminded me last Saturday that recovery after some of her operations went quickly and efficiently . . . and others took a long, long time. I think that she mentioned her knee operation, and I can still remember her discouragement over the slow progress. Things are fine now . . . but faith and patience were tested back then.
We will continue to pray daily for you, Steph. Just do what your doctors tell you to do and focus on any little area of improvement, no matter how small.
Love,
Aunt Mariann
Stephanie,
I did some thinking before I got on the computer. Aunt Mariann's e-mail was so good, I can't add much more to it--copy it and keep it and read it everytime you need to feel more hope and faith in yourself and your healing.
My e-mail will be a bit more personal. First of all, we both had back surgery, BUT we're both different with different backs and different back problems, different doctors (both very good) and different therapists. The more intensive and involved the surgery, the longer it takes to heal. I'm so sorry for the pain and discouragement you're going through, but your back was so straight on Thanksgiving; and I know eventually you'll feel good and hopefully glad you had the surgery done. My back is good (compared to how I used to feel), but I still feel, and probably always will, some back stiffness--it's hard bending over and putting my socks on, and I'm not walking or standing as straight as I want to, and I still need my back brace when I'm going to be baking cookies, putting up the tree, things like that, and I do take muscle relaxants at night after a rough day. You're off the walker (great!), and you're walking real far every day. I walk and ride an exercise bike (now), but I don't think I could ever walk as far as you. Believe in yourself, Steph. I can see you doing a lot better.
About being discouraged and feeling hopeless . . . I didn't think I would ever be able to sleep or walk again pain-free after my left knee replacement. It was so swollen and stiff (and, of course) I was sent back to work after six weeks, where I did a lot of sitting and my knee kept stiffening up. So painful!! So finally I was put back on sick leave, and the doctor did a fun thing called Manipulation where I was completely knocked out in the hospital and he bent and stretched my knee and then sent me to constant physical (painful) therapy. Finally, after a lot of work, I was able to be "normal" again and sleep again and walk again. I am grateful for the surgery--my knee is good now; but there were times I thought, WHY did I ever have it done?
Stephanie, my wish for you is to believe in God's presence and love for you, and believe in us and our love and prayers, AND every day find something to be thankful for, some blessing that you noticed and are grateful for. Some days it's really a challenge. You have a wonderful, caring husband. Maybe you were able to walk a little easier, maybe you didn't tire as much as the day before, maybe the kids at school were a little more responsive or one of them said something sweet to you or funny to make you laugh. But please believe little by little things will get better, you will get better.
Love you--all my prayers--
Aunt Pat
Thinking and Dreaming and Planning and Hoping...
How does that song go? Well that's what I'm doing for you right now. I'm thinking of you whole and well, dreaming about you running down a beach, planning for good times ahead and hoping that it will happen soon!
I talked to a pain specialist colleague of mine at a recent dinner and told him about you and he said not to get discouraged because those operations are big deals and it takes time for a lot of his patients to heal. He said a year was not unheard of.
Two things have been running through my mind all day while I was thinking of what I could write that could help you - both are things I've run across in my reading in the last day or so and they caught my eye...... One was "Control less, trust more." What that means to me is that you have covered your bases with good doctors and good ancillary help and good friends and loving family and that perhaps it is time to relax and let the healing take place without worrying about the details. What would it be like not to journal for awhile or keep track of your pain scale.This shouldn't be so hard Sweetie. The second is "What we resist, persists." You are understandably concentrating on your pain (hard to ignore) and the (too slow) recovery and your fear that you won't get better. That's where your attention is and that is what you are noticing. Perhaps you could try putting your attention somewhere else (doesn't have to be big - even a dripping faucet would do) and see what happens. Worth a try? These are both things that I've seen help other patients.
I do believe you will get well and have never considered that you won't.
Just got back to town last night or I would have answered your sweet and poignant letter earlier. Thank you, by the way, for your TG card. It made my day!
Love Always - Dr. Mom
So, what can I say to you, the wonderful girl who has graced Gage's life?
That life is fair? It isn't!
But let me offer a few suggestions ----
It's not that you are not healing, but rather that it's going slowly. That's a sign that your body is telling you to take it easy, especially with new exercises (like the treadmill). This is not the time to suck it up and push through. Make progress slowly! Remember that you have youth on your side....
Expect the best and it will come. There is actually a whole process based on this, called the Law of Attraction. Basically, it says that we would do well to anticipate good things will happen. Or, put another way, failure is not only not going to happen, but we are not even going to consider it. Or as the gospel song says, "He may not come when we want Him but He's right on time!"
Let others help you. Some of the way, it seems you must travel alone, but good wishes and prayers and friends will always be there...
Love, Chuck
Hi Steph,
...I understand.... I’ve experienced chronic back pain and it is truly debilitating.
More than anything I wanted to tell you that you absolutely have total permission to focus on yourself to get well. I remember you said that you were advised that it would take 1-2 years for you to feel better and trust me, it will be worth it in the long run if you focus on getting to that point. I know that it’s hard and very painful and that you may feel responsible as a newlywed to follow some vague standard, but nothing is more important than you getting stronger and feeling better. You are an amazing woman and you will get there. If you need someone to hold your hand (or help with chores, or just to talk to), count me in! We love you and are there for you every step of the way, truly!
What do you need that would help you the most right now???
Do not give up, please. Take baby steps. Look how far you have come already!!!
Talk soon! Love,
Karen (and Ed, and Ponzi)
I asked for Encouragement, and I received....
Thank you!
Love to you all,
Steph
I am so inspired by the love that God has sent to me through each of you... I am beyond touched and I cannot possibly thank each and every one of you for your encouragement!
This is what YOU, my Prayer Warriors, said to me (if anyone needs me to delete something, please let me know and I will be happy to do so!):
Hello My Love,
Thank you for sharing your praise report! I am so sorry you are fealing defeated, depleted, and down this afternoon. I was really convinced that you would have a great day today and I'm sorry that's not the case.
Know that things WILL get better. You are already so much better than just a few weeks ago and God WILL make you completely better. I envision you riding bikes, playing tennis, and doing some other physical activities :)
Stay positive, my love. All will be well.
I love you,
-Gage
Dear Steph,
You need a JOY infusion! I’m telling you, it’s great!
I’ll share with you, my friend’s advice this week: Rather than try to be super mom all day and feel defeated because I can’t, just try to be a great mom for 15 minutes a day. The kids will love it and it’s manageable. …… see the connection…. You’re the mom and your body/spirit are the three crazy kids …… J Small, manageable stuff. The rest of the day will work itself out. I liked her advice this week. It’s helped. Hang in there!
Love,
Shannon
Be encouraged Stephanie. Paul wrote something for you...
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,j whok have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Paul The Apostle
- Jeremy
Oh, sweetie... God loves you so much and is continuing to heal you! His plan is bigger than anything you or I or anyone could ever know. He is continuing to strengthen you more and more each day, as you are SUCH a great patient! LOL! And even though you aren't recovering as quickly as I know you wanted - that doesn't mean you aren't getting better. May God's peace continue to be all over you, and His healing power overwhelm you! His blood was enough - continue to take communion and remind yourself of your healing. Look at what God says and not at what you may see. I love you!!!! *hugs*
~ Mel
Stephanie,
So many times in our lives we all doubt that God is there and is He helping us when we seem to be at our lowest. That is the time to lean and lean heavily on our Christian friends to help left our spirits and our prayers to God. I cannot imagine the pain you are asked to endure on a daily basis, and I do not know God's plan for you, but I do know that He has a plan. In our "human"ness (not a word) we can't see or totally understand, but we (you, me and all your Christian brothers and sisters) must stand strong and believe that God holds you in the palm of His Hand and He will bring you out on the other side so you can enjoy the fruits of this life.
Don't ever doubt your faith cause God knows your heart!!!!!!!
I don't know what I can do to help, but all you need to do is ask or point me in the right direction and I will. Prayers, prayers, prayers is the course we all need to stay focused on.
God put Gage in your life for a reason and one of those reasons was to be a strength to you right now. Let him be there for you and let him take care of you and the house. Just think of all the times that you have been there for him. I'm sure he does. He loves you.
You will get thru the small paychecks because some kind way, God provides. He always does. Don't push yourself too much at school. Whatever we do, it is never enough in the eyes of our employer, so stop!!!!! Just do what you comfortably can and let stuff go. What you do or do not do will not get these children into Harvard nor will it keep them out of Harvard! We are one small bleep on their educational journey. They will survive!!!!
WE WORK FOR GOD.... HE WILL PROVIDE OUR STUDENTS WITH WHAT THEY NEED EVEN IN OUR WEAKNESSES. PUT YOUR STUDENTS IN GOD'S HANDS TOO!!!!!
None of this will really make you feel better right now. But we are all here for you. God has given you a lot of blessings, as you pointed out. So keep your eyes on Him and what He has blessed you with, and take everything one day, one hour, at a time.
Love,
Maryann
Steph,
Please remember that my father-in-law said at 6 months post-(back)surgery he wouldn't have done it but 6 months later said his quality of life had improved dramatically from the procedure.
I wish you weren't in pain, my love, but I know that you are strong and that this, too, will pass. I often think of a native american saying that has brought me solace in times of struggle. I can't remember the exact wording but the message is something like, "When I ask the Great Spirit for strength, challenges are laid before me that I might overcome them." ... You are blessed by true, honest love. So many live an entire life and never know such pleasure! Keep holding your head gracefully high my darling friend. You are healing and you will overcome this challenge in your life.
I love you!
The Other Steph
Hey Steph~
I am so glad I got this. I was JUST praying for you about 20 minutes ago, just praying for your continued healing. It's good to have a specific request now. I am so sorry you are struggling. I am so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how Satan creeps in those moments and tries to wreck our faith and confidence that we serve a BIG God who gives healing and hope!!! I would encourage you to find a short scripture that you can recite each and every time you find the enemy creeping in. He longs to take our thoughts and we MUST take each one of them captive with scripture and the promises from God!!! He does hear you and has a plan for your process at this time, I'm just sorry it's a process of suffering. Our suffering makes us well aware of our need for God and that much more thankful for His sacrifice on the cross. Try to dwell on those things as much as you can!
Please let me know how I can serve you and Gage. I love you guys!
Erin
Hi Stephanie,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I promise I was there. I was SO frustrated. I started telling myself all these lies… I’ll never be able to teach with this back, I’ll never run again, I’ll never be able to clean my room/house, I’ll never be able to do normal things a 20 something should do, I’ll never be able to fly anywhere… I was TOTALLY there. Nothing anyone said made me feel better because I always thought to myself, “How do you know!?”
Obviously we have different back issues, different surgeries, different bodies… however, I went through the same things emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and (probably) physically. It is a hard and lonely road, but stay strong. Stay positive. Keep looking to the progress even if it is much less than the pain. Sometimes life hits us hard and we have to SLOW down more than we are comfortable doing. Yikes. I hated slowing down, especially when I was 21. You have progressed and you will continue to. It’s just taking a LONG time. I know you must be super frustrated, especially with a new husband to take care of and kiddos at school who depend on you. Try, try to stay positive. Stay in the Word. No matter what I read or what I hear, I’m always directed back to Scripture. All truth is found in there. I think I usually stray from scripture when I’m going through challenging things. I don’t know why I do that, but I know it’s where I should be. God will speak to you through the word.
Sorry for that scrambled message! As I read your email, my heart sank because I know what your going through—or at least a version of it. I’m so sorry! Let me know if there is any other way I can help. Let me know if you ever want to talk, watch a movie, whatever! I am up for just laying around (literally!)
Love,
Katy
hi Steph-- thank you for filling me in { and being open, honest and real} Of course, my prayers are with you. I have a book that I think it would be a good one, for you to read. It is written by Joni Erackson Tada--. She has dealt with Pain levels that are more than she can bear.{ She has been paralyzed since a diving accident when she was very young. She is remarkable-- a singer, author, outstanding artist, --but most of all she knows Jesus Christ and the power of God in her life. What a testimony she is , but this level of pain is new in just this last year.. { If you would like me to bring the book, I'd be so happy to. { Maybe you already know about Joni. She has her own website--{ you can type in her name and it will come up --Or there is a site Joni and Friends. Love julie
Hey Stephanie,
I wish I had some brilliant advice to give you, but anything I'd re-state you've probably already heard. What I do have to share with you is what came to my mind when I read this update - - all that kept coming to my mind was the following:
"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13)
I went to Blue letter bible and looked up the word "Stand" - and a LOT of verses came up. I hope these can maybe encourage you to just keep standing strong... no matter what comes your way:
"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
(1 Corinthians 15:58)
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong."
(1 Corinthians 16:13)
"Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm." (2 Corinthians 1:24)
"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." (Ephesians 6:11)
"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place," (Ephesians 6: 14)
----- A portion of what is mentioned in some of these verses has to do with the Armor of God, which also came to mind when I was thinking about "Standing" firm. (Ephesians 6)
I hope this can be encouraging... even as I was reading through these verses, I was personally inspired to just continue to be strong in areas of my life where I've kind of slacked off, or just thought "well, maybe things will never change for the better".
I hope you are having a good week so far - It's only Monday - blah! I will be transitioning jobs here on the 17th (but pulling 60+ hours a week until then). Maybe we can get together for lunch one day that you're either working a half, or have the day off after my schedule slows down?
Be encouraged - people are praying for you and standing with you. You are an amazingly strong and courageous woman!
-Faith-
Stephanie,
Your e-mail touched my heart deeply because it reminded me (and Pat) of past times of suffering and disappointment in our lives . . . and how difficult it was to pray, sometimes, during those times of the dark nights of the soul. That is why we believe so strongly in the prayer of others for us . . . it is so important when we are discouraged and feel that God is not paying any attention, that other people of faith keep lifting us up to God.
I like e-mail, but there are times when only the human voice can convey (more wholly) the love and concern we have for that person (you!). When I first start talking to you on your machine, I felt close to tears because I so wanted all this suffering to be over for you. For some reason, I can accept pain and suffering in an older person . . . but not in a younger person. Ah . . . God's plan . . . so hard to understand or accept sometimes.
Lastly, I want to repeat that Pat reminded me last Saturday that recovery after some of her operations went quickly and efficiently . . . and others took a long, long time. I think that she mentioned her knee operation, and I can still remember her discouragement over the slow progress. Things are fine now . . . but faith and patience were tested back then.
We will continue to pray daily for you, Steph. Just do what your doctors tell you to do and focus on any little area of improvement, no matter how small.
Love,
Aunt Mariann
Stephanie,
I did some thinking before I got on the computer. Aunt Mariann's e-mail was so good, I can't add much more to it--copy it and keep it and read it everytime you need to feel more hope and faith in yourself and your healing.
My e-mail will be a bit more personal. First of all, we both had back surgery, BUT we're both different with different backs and different back problems, different doctors (both very good) and different therapists. The more intensive and involved the surgery, the longer it takes to heal. I'm so sorry for the pain and discouragement you're going through, but your back was so straight on Thanksgiving; and I know eventually you'll feel good and hopefully glad you had the surgery done. My back is good (compared to how I used to feel), but I still feel, and probably always will, some back stiffness--it's hard bending over and putting my socks on, and I'm not walking or standing as straight as I want to, and I still need my back brace when I'm going to be baking cookies, putting up the tree, things like that, and I do take muscle relaxants at night after a rough day. You're off the walker (great!), and you're walking real far every day. I walk and ride an exercise bike (now), but I don't think I could ever walk as far as you. Believe in yourself, Steph. I can see you doing a lot better.
About being discouraged and feeling hopeless . . . I didn't think I would ever be able to sleep or walk again pain-free after my left knee replacement. It was so swollen and stiff (and, of course) I was sent back to work after six weeks, where I did a lot of sitting and my knee kept stiffening up. So painful!! So finally I was put back on sick leave, and the doctor did a fun thing called Manipulation where I was completely knocked out in the hospital and he bent and stretched my knee and then sent me to constant physical (painful) therapy. Finally, after a lot of work, I was able to be "normal" again and sleep again and walk again. I am grateful for the surgery--my knee is good now; but there were times I thought, WHY did I ever have it done?
Stephanie, my wish for you is to believe in God's presence and love for you, and believe in us and our love and prayers, AND every day find something to be thankful for, some blessing that you noticed and are grateful for. Some days it's really a challenge. You have a wonderful, caring husband. Maybe you were able to walk a little easier, maybe you didn't tire as much as the day before, maybe the kids at school were a little more responsive or one of them said something sweet to you or funny to make you laugh. But please believe little by little things will get better, you will get better.
Love you--all my prayers--
Aunt Pat
Thinking and Dreaming and Planning and Hoping...
How does that song go? Well that's what I'm doing for you right now. I'm thinking of you whole and well, dreaming about you running down a beach, planning for good times ahead and hoping that it will happen soon!
I talked to a pain specialist colleague of mine at a recent dinner and told him about you and he said not to get discouraged because those operations are big deals and it takes time for a lot of his patients to heal. He said a year was not unheard of.
Two things have been running through my mind all day while I was thinking of what I could write that could help you - both are things I've run across in my reading in the last day or so and they caught my eye...... One was "Control less, trust more." What that means to me is that you have covered your bases with good doctors and good ancillary help and good friends and loving family and that perhaps it is time to relax and let the healing take place without worrying about the details. What would it be like not to journal for awhile or keep track of your pain scale.This shouldn't be so hard Sweetie. The second is "What we resist, persists." You are understandably concentrating on your pain (hard to ignore) and the (too slow) recovery and your fear that you won't get better. That's where your attention is and that is what you are noticing. Perhaps you could try putting your attention somewhere else (doesn't have to be big - even a dripping faucet would do) and see what happens. Worth a try? These are both things that I've seen help other patients.
I do believe you will get well and have never considered that you won't.
Just got back to town last night or I would have answered your sweet and poignant letter earlier. Thank you, by the way, for your TG card. It made my day!
Love Always - Dr. Mom
So, what can I say to you, the wonderful girl who has graced Gage's life?
That life is fair? It isn't!
But let me offer a few suggestions ----
It's not that you are not healing, but rather that it's going slowly. That's a sign that your body is telling you to take it easy, especially with new exercises (like the treadmill). This is not the time to suck it up and push through. Make progress slowly! Remember that you have youth on your side....
Expect the best and it will come. There is actually a whole process based on this, called the Law of Attraction. Basically, it says that we would do well to anticipate good things will happen. Or, put another way, failure is not only not going to happen, but we are not even going to consider it. Or as the gospel song says, "He may not come when we want Him but He's right on time!"
Let others help you. Some of the way, it seems you must travel alone, but good wishes and prayers and friends will always be there...
Love, Chuck
Hi Steph,
...I understand.... I’ve experienced chronic back pain and it is truly debilitating.
More than anything I wanted to tell you that you absolutely have total permission to focus on yourself to get well. I remember you said that you were advised that it would take 1-2 years for you to feel better and trust me, it will be worth it in the long run if you focus on getting to that point. I know that it’s hard and very painful and that you may feel responsible as a newlywed to follow some vague standard, but nothing is more important than you getting stronger and feeling better. You are an amazing woman and you will get there. If you need someone to hold your hand (or help with chores, or just to talk to), count me in! We love you and are there for you every step of the way, truly!
What do you need that would help you the most right now???
Do not give up, please. Take baby steps. Look how far you have come already!!!
Talk soon! Love,
Karen (and Ed, and Ponzi)
I asked for Encouragement, and I received....
Thank you!
Love to you all,
Steph
Friday, December 3, 2010
A Rant, A Rave and a Plea...
December 3, 2010
Hello Loved Ones,
I know that I normally start these updates with a Praise Report - and while I'll get to that, my mind is in another place and all I can think to do is send out this plea to the "universe" - to my prayer warriors - and see what boomerangs in return...
Today, I feel helpless. This week was my first attempt at working more than 3 days at Bristol in over 2 months. I thought I was ready. My body "felt" ready. My attitude was ready. The goal in my mind had been made... and so this morning, on the 4th morning of this work-week, I went to work for a half-day.
I was so proud of myself as the alarm went off this morning! I thought to myself, "I can do this!" and then I went to work. Nothing particularly "bad" happened while I was there. In fact, upon leaving, I thought to myself, "I should have just planned on staying the whole day" - I had so much adrenaline pumping and my mind was so filled with deadlines and lesson plans that I actually debated whether or not to cancel my afternoon sub... But I left anyways, following my FMLA recommendations.
Following additional doctor's orders, I went to the gym to try to get in my PT, which consists of strictly walking. Now that the weather is too cold to walk outside, I have been trying the treadmill at my gym. Apparently, the treadmill actually works my low-back muscles more efficiently than when I walk outside. On a positive note, it activates muscles that had been "resting" when they should have been healing; on the other hand, however, every step I take is painful. And yet I keep walking...
Being the dutiful patient that I am, I walked for as long as I could, then I came home. With a sandwich in one hand and a heating pad in the other I landed on the couch - and then it hit me... This week was hard. I mean really, really hard. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. The adrenaline from this morning had depleted and I was left with a shell of a body and a massive amount of pain running from my upper right shoulder to my left front oblique, across my entire low back and even down to my left hip and leg...
I told Gage last night that I wished I never had the surgery in the first place. I don't "fit" the category of where a "typical" patient should be in the recovery process; I have to see specialist after specialist and yet none of them have relieved the pain; I am going on 4 months of smaller and smaller paychecks and being expected to do the work of a full-time employee; my social life is non-existent; I am in as much pain - if not more - after the surgery than I was prior to it... and even my faith is slipping...
Where is my healing, Lord?
Now that my rant is complete, here comes the plea... I feel guilty asking this of any of you - for I already ask you to stop and pray for me daily at 4:00 pm, but I am drawn to ask it anyway...
Can you please encourage me?
Can you please tell me that "One day, I'll be better..." that "One day, I will run again; one day, I will be free from the bondage of pain; One day, I will be able to go to a movie at the theater and I will be able to go on the annual family float trip..." Can anyone tell me that one day I won't have to make myself go to work because I can't make it with one more shriveled paycheck; I'll go because I am physically ready to be there? Can someone please tell me that God's plan is so great that all of this physical and emotional suffering that I feel is not in vain?
Ahhh..... (sigh)....
But, please believe me, I am not blind to my blessings. I praise God that:
- I have gone over 3 weeks WITHOUT my walker - I can and I have walked 2 miles every day for the past 2 weeks!
- I have been able to decrease some of my medications (even while increasing my work load and walking).
- I made it through 5 hours of our Thanksgiving celebration (my usual expiration time is 3-4 hours)!
- I found a pain management specialist who I believe has helped control some of my low-back pain - and who, upon receiving info on my sudden change-of-insurance "gifted" me with a decreased deductible and weekly co-pays because he said, "I'm worth it..." (wow)!
- Gage and I have been able to bless others while dealing with our own financial woes!
- Gage is willing to pick up on the "slack" that a typical wife does around the house without a second thought or murmurer from his lips!
- My dear friends at work have given me gifts of encouragement and healing!
- And, I made it through an "extra" half-day of work this week.
As always, I am sorry to talk your ear off or fill up a half-hour of your time with my rants, my raves and my personal pleas. Thank you to each and every one of you for believing for me when I am in doubt and for being a part of my recovery process.
With Love,
Steph
Hello Loved Ones,
I know that I normally start these updates with a Praise Report - and while I'll get to that, my mind is in another place and all I can think to do is send out this plea to the "universe" - to my prayer warriors - and see what boomerangs in return...
Today, I feel helpless. This week was my first attempt at working more than 3 days at Bristol in over 2 months. I thought I was ready. My body "felt" ready. My attitude was ready. The goal in my mind had been made... and so this morning, on the 4th morning of this work-week, I went to work for a half-day.
I was so proud of myself as the alarm went off this morning! I thought to myself, "I can do this!" and then I went to work. Nothing particularly "bad" happened while I was there. In fact, upon leaving, I thought to myself, "I should have just planned on staying the whole day" - I had so much adrenaline pumping and my mind was so filled with deadlines and lesson plans that I actually debated whether or not to cancel my afternoon sub... But I left anyways, following my FMLA recommendations.
Following additional doctor's orders, I went to the gym to try to get in my PT, which consists of strictly walking. Now that the weather is too cold to walk outside, I have been trying the treadmill at my gym. Apparently, the treadmill actually works my low-back muscles more efficiently than when I walk outside. On a positive note, it activates muscles that had been "resting" when they should have been healing; on the other hand, however, every step I take is painful. And yet I keep walking...
Being the dutiful patient that I am, I walked for as long as I could, then I came home. With a sandwich in one hand and a heating pad in the other I landed on the couch - and then it hit me... This week was hard. I mean really, really hard. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. The adrenaline from this morning had depleted and I was left with a shell of a body and a massive amount of pain running from my upper right shoulder to my left front oblique, across my entire low back and even down to my left hip and leg...
I told Gage last night that I wished I never had the surgery in the first place. I don't "fit" the category of where a "typical" patient should be in the recovery process; I have to see specialist after specialist and yet none of them have relieved the pain; I am going on 4 months of smaller and smaller paychecks and being expected to do the work of a full-time employee; my social life is non-existent; I am in as much pain - if not more - after the surgery than I was prior to it... and even my faith is slipping...
Where is my healing, Lord?
Now that my rant is complete, here comes the plea... I feel guilty asking this of any of you - for I already ask you to stop and pray for me daily at 4:00 pm, but I am drawn to ask it anyway...
Can you please encourage me?
Can you please tell me that "One day, I'll be better..." that "One day, I will run again; one day, I will be free from the bondage of pain; One day, I will be able to go to a movie at the theater and I will be able to go on the annual family float trip..." Can anyone tell me that one day I won't have to make myself go to work because I can't make it with one more shriveled paycheck; I'll go because I am physically ready to be there? Can someone please tell me that God's plan is so great that all of this physical and emotional suffering that I feel is not in vain?
Ahhh..... (sigh)....
But, please believe me, I am not blind to my blessings. I praise God that:
- I have gone over 3 weeks WITHOUT my walker - I can and I have walked 2 miles every day for the past 2 weeks!
- I have been able to decrease some of my medications (even while increasing my work load and walking).
- I made it through 5 hours of our Thanksgiving celebration (my usual expiration time is 3-4 hours)!
- I found a pain management specialist who I believe has helped control some of my low-back pain - and who, upon receiving info on my sudden change-of-insurance "gifted" me with a decreased deductible and weekly co-pays because he said, "I'm worth it..." (wow)!
- Gage and I have been able to bless others while dealing with our own financial woes!
- Gage is willing to pick up on the "slack" that a typical wife does around the house without a second thought or murmurer from his lips!
- My dear friends at work have given me gifts of encouragement and healing!
- And, I made it through an "extra" half-day of work this week.
As always, I am sorry to talk your ear off or fill up a half-hour of your time with my rants, my raves and my personal pleas. Thank you to each and every one of you for believing for me when I am in doubt and for being a part of my recovery process.
With Love,
Steph
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Not exactly walking on water, but...
I thought that I'd send out a praise report - since I have each and every one of you to thank all of the steps (pun intended) I am taking in my healing!
A quick update: I am in the middle of my first official week at work WITHOUT MY WALKER!!!!! Yippee!!!! I admit, I have come home from work too sore to walk another step, but I feel satisfied knowing that I made it that long without the need of a contraption to get me from point A to point B! I have been weening myself off of it at home for some time, but have been too fearful to leave the house without it for some time... But, I am reminded that fear and worry are not of God so I took a chance and God has supported me (literally - ha!) these past few days. Praise God!
I have also been blessed in finding a Pain Management Specialist who is not only covered by my insurance (a challenge I faced with many of the specialists my surgeon has sent me to...) but who is just an overall nice, compassionate man. I saw him for the first time last Friday and I start an every-Monday schedule with him next week. He warned me that his treatments could take months, but at this point, I'll do whatever it takes to receive my healing.
So many of you have been so encouraging to me lately... I wanted to take the time to thank you. This has been quite a struggle for me - but you have each taken it upon yourselves to take care of me. You are also all teaching me so much about the power of prayer - and faith. THANK YOU!!!
Something powerful happened at work today that I wanted to share.... I, myself, have been doing affirmations and speaking healing scripture over my body and I realized that the power of the tongue is often forgotten. This morning, as I was praying on the way to work, I prayed over the staff at my school and I prayed over my students. Later, as I was about to give a group of mine a test, I decided to empower these students as you all have empowered me. Before giving them the test, I had them stand and repeat, "I am smart." They giggled, then said it. Then, we continued, "I am an excellent reader," this time, they were genuinely smiling (as opposed to laughing at their crazy teacher) and even speaking with more authority. Lastly, I had them say, "I am going to do a fantastic job on this test!" Every single student yelled these words. I believe that they truly believed them. They took their test. I scored it and pulled them aside, one by one, and showed them how each student made considerable improvements on this test compared to the test they took week before...
Ah... The power of words... The power of believing in them...
Thank you to those of you who take the time at 4:00 pm each day to pray for me. Thank you to those of you who speak healing over my body. Thank you for believing when I felt hopeless - and for being a part of all that brought that faith back into my life - mind, body and soul.
By God's Grace, I WILL BE HEALED!
A quick update: I am in the middle of my first official week at work WITHOUT MY WALKER!!!!! Yippee!!!! I admit, I have come home from work too sore to walk another step, but I feel satisfied knowing that I made it that long without the need of a contraption to get me from point A to point B! I have been weening myself off of it at home for some time, but have been too fearful to leave the house without it for some time... But, I am reminded that fear and worry are not of God so I took a chance and God has supported me (literally - ha!) these past few days. Praise God!
I have also been blessed in finding a Pain Management Specialist who is not only covered by my insurance (a challenge I faced with many of the specialists my surgeon has sent me to...) but who is just an overall nice, compassionate man. I saw him for the first time last Friday and I start an every-Monday schedule with him next week. He warned me that his treatments could take months, but at this point, I'll do whatever it takes to receive my healing.
So many of you have been so encouraging to me lately... I wanted to take the time to thank you. This has been quite a struggle for me - but you have each taken it upon yourselves to take care of me. You are also all teaching me so much about the power of prayer - and faith. THANK YOU!!!
Ah... The power of words... The power of believing in them...
Thank you to those of you who take the time at 4:00 pm each day to pray for me. Thank you to those of you who speak healing over my body. Thank you for believing when I felt hopeless - and for being a part of all that brought that faith back into my life - mind, body and soul.
By God's Grace, I WILL BE HEALED!
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