It Comes in Threes...

The past two months have literally been a blur and it is difficult to know where to begin… Most importantly, I apologize for not writing sooner. I appreciate more than anything those who read this blog, who pray for me and who support and encourage me through this battle I have fought for way too long. I recently learned that my journey has been helping an old friend’s mother who has been dealing with her own fight with physical pain. I told Gage when I first began this blog that if I helped at least one person, my purpose for taking the time to share my story would be complete… I hope that my journey somehow, someway helps you as much as your support has helped me!

I ended the school year with packed-boxes and tear-filled good-byes. I could not (and, technically, still cannot) announce that I am “officially” not returning to work next year until the paperwork through the school district goes through. I have given my personal contact information to those parents whom I have been a part of their lives for at least the last three years, helping them diagnose their child with a disability and then teaching them that special education is merely a new way of life (just as I have learned with my physical disability). Despite all of my efforts to fast-track the Human Resources process, the HR Department has a rule that I cannot apply for a Long-Term Leave of Absence until 30 days prior to the next school year. The process continues…

On the other hand, I have received official word that my Long Term Disability has been approved – Praise God! I have to admit, I was terrified that it would not… Friends who have had family members with serious health problems filled my head with horror stories of having to “fight the system” and were refused Disability the first (or more) times in which they applied. I thought to myself time and time again, “why would I be any different?” However, I was approved the first time I applied! And, not only was I approved, but the woman who handled my case at the Disability office knew of my Intermittent, Short-Term FMLA leave and was able to BACK-DATE my disability so that I am able to receive some compensation for the days that I missed work yet went without pay. When I learned this, I realized that those days that Gage and I spent hunched over the budget, digging deeper and deeper into our savings to “make-up” for all of the days that I HAD to take off of work would be over… God was providing for us!

The provision didn’t stop there, however! Another thorn in our side for the last 14 months was our empty, Kirkwood house. The house had been on the market since the month before Gage and I were married in 2010. In those 14 months, we only had one nibble from a buyer (who, obviously, did not buy the house). As each month passed, Gage and I asked ourselves and prayed to God that either a buyer would come our way or that God would grant us the wisdom as to make a decision as to what moves to make regarding the house. We considered taking out another loan and adding an upstairs to the house (which is barely 700 square-feet and is half of the size of the home we currently rent). Knowing that Gage and I want to “expand” our family as soon as I am able, we strongly believed that living in that house (in the condition it was in) was not an option for us. After researching the cost of construction and weighing our options, we also realized that no matter what we did to add to the house, it would never be our Dream Home. Furthermore, we also realized that we could not afford to let the house “sit” empty in Kirkwood any longer; however, the idea of being a Landlord was not something that interested Gage nor I… Despite our reservations, we finally felt that our last and only option was to rent the house. Thankfully, both Gage and I have dear friends, Nick and Danielle, who are in the “business.” Both Nick and Danielle took the time to walk us through the process and help reassure us that not only would this be a strong investment for us, but it will not be the terror we anticipated. After two weeks on Craigslist, we finally found the perfect person to live in the house and to take the burden of those mortgage payments off of our shoulders. More Praise!!!

They say that “bad things come in threes;” however, I believe that God knew that I needed a miracle – and I needed it BAD! In the time-span of less than one week, we had three wonderful things happen in our life: I received approval from Guardian, we rented our Kirkwood House and we began to start a “new life” with our family members and friends, thanks to the freedom of less-work (aka “less stress).

Even though things are looking much brighter, I admit, I did face a few physical battles to face along the way…

About one week after school finished for the year, I began noticing abnormal numbness in both of my arms as I slept. The numbness was isolated from my shoulders to my fingertips and, at first, they felt like my hands were “asleep.” Unfortunately, the strange condition only got worse. Within a week, the numbness had turned into stabbing pain. And, my two Physical Therapists (whom I turn to for everything) were both on vacation. Despite the efforts of my substitute PT, she actually threw my back out in an effort to try to help me with my new problem-areas. At that point, I had gone three weeks getting barely any sleep and the numbness/stabbing pain was also happening during the day as well as throughout the night. I had to forfeit PT for three weeks and make an emergency appointment with my Primary Physician to further investigate the pain and seek relief.

Fortunately, I have the highest regard for my Primary doctor and he helped both calm my fears and treat the problem. According to him, I have a pressed nerve in my neck which is causing the problems with my arms at night. After pin-pointing the nerve (C7), the Doc then ran a series of strength and neurological tests on me and determined that the problem (pain and pinching) should decrease within the next six weeks. To help with the pain, he prescribed a very specific nerve medication (to be taken at bedtime) and told me to check back with him in about a month. Within a few days, I was already sleeping more and more throughout the night and, thankfully, I have slept throughout the entire night for the past three evenings.

I admit, I was very worried when these new symptoms (and the new pain) started showing its ugly face. I could not imagine life with yet another physical problem! Nor, could I continue with the sleeplessness pattern that was developing. As with my back and hip pain, the more arm-pain I endured throughout the night, the less I slept. The less I slept, the less serotonin that my body created. The less serotonin, the more agitated I became and the less I was able to eat. I found myself terrified and trapped in the same vicious cycle that I finally felt I had finally overcome months before! I cannot be more thankful for the quick and precise resolve I received from my Primary doctor!

I have my first Physical Therapy appointment with my “regular” therapist this afternoon and my back cannot wait – three weeks without my PT has wreaked havoc on my back! Even though I knew that I had to prioritize my pain and treatment, I have had to suffer from massive knots in my left side, throbbing pain in my left hip and aches in my left oblique. My poor husband has had to extend his daily massages from 45 minutes to, some days, up to two hours (due to the extent of the myofascial pain in each area – in addition to neck and shoulder massages before bed to help relieve the pressure from the pinched nerve). We are both praying that after today’s PT appointment, he can take a break from “treatments” – at least for today!

Regardless of the pain and new problems, there have been some physical positives to my time off of work! I have increased my exercises that I do at home (at least 30 minutes of core-training, hip rotation and multiple stretches) daily – and I have even added a small amount of hydrotherapy to the regimen (and am looking into acupuncture – if I can afford it)! One of the exercises that I have missed the most has been walking with Gage and Lady around our neighborhood. I have finally gotten permission to add a VERY small amount of walking to my routine. Unfortunately for Gage, due to the hot weather, most of these walks have taken place at our local Target (but I think he secretly enjoys them – he did get a new summer wardrobe out of the deal ). Additionally, before she left for vacation, I had a special appointment with Dr. Julie who told me, “Steph, when I first saw you in January, I honestly only thought that we could get you to recover 50% AT BEST. However, I was wrong. Having not worked directly with you for three months, I can step back and truly see your progress. Your trigger spots are much smaller; your sensitivity has decreased; your stamina is much greater than I anticipated and your fluidity & mobility are impressive. I firmly believe that with this year off to recover and rehabilitate, you can and WILL get better.” Just to clarify, Dr. Julie further explained that “better” did not mean maintenance-free for the rest of my life; better can be defined as: one day, I will be off of daily pain medication, I will not require physical therapy daily at home and twice weekly at the Rehab Center, I may not be running marathons but, hopefully, I’ll be able to run across the street… Physical maintenance will always be a part of my vocabulary, physical restraints and (some) limitations may be an intermittent part of my life, but, one day, I will live a life that is not Pain-Centered.

Thankfully, and I believe with all of my heart that it is God’s doing, I am getting better! I also am grateful that, along with the process of healing, I am gaining a LIFE back. In the past four weeks since school has been out, Gage and I have: joined a church (weekly) Community Group, seen his family & mine several times, spent time with friends (both as double-dates and on our own), gone on a few dates of our own, we have planted a vegetable and flower garden (also winning the Turner Tomato Contest of the Year), I have finished a scrapbook and, most importantly, Gage and I are in the process of working with both my counselor and a marriage counselor on finding a “New Normal” for our life – one that meets my physical needs as well as BOTH of our emotional needs for a balanced well-being and marriage.

For now, the Journey to recovery continues… And even though I have had a few minor set-backs, I feel like I am, day –by-day, gaining a sense of “life” back.

Oh, the Places I Didn’t Go…

We’ve all read Dr. Suess’ book, “Oh, the places you’ll go,” right? Well, unfortunately, this year, Gage and I have started to take inventory of ALL of the places we have been unable to journey, due to my physical condition…

To bring the crowd up to speed, I have now received the official classification of Failed Back Syndrome. I am not sure what this means, I just know that it is the label placed under the Diagnosis portion of my Long Term Disability paperwork completed by my Medical Team last month when we finished the first round of forms (in which we are still waiting approval).

Failed Back Syndrome does not mean that I am still not a Chronic Pain Patient. It does not mean that my Scoliosis has been cured, that my pelvis is now even, that my Degenerative Disc Disease has disappeared, that my legs are now the same lengths or that my left hip is not still sprained… It is merely the new-and-improved brand to my ever-regressing body.

Months ago, Dr. Mark (my Biodfeedback Specialist and Pain Counselor) expressed to me the urgency of grieving all that I have to, for now, let go. Dr. Mark required me to live in the NOW. He wanted – he still wants – for me to have hope in the future, but to not set myself up for disappointment by expecting things of myself or my body that is absolutely, physically impossible. What is on the Don’t Do List?

Oh, Steph, Don’t Go THERE… I cannot:
- Bend or lean forward beyond a 30-degree angle
- Push, pull, carry or lift anything weighing more than 5-10 lbs
- Sit for more than 30 minutes
- Stand for more than 30 minutes
- Go up or down stairs
- Walk, run, jog, or ride a bike
- Exercise (beyond the few PT exercises and stretches allowed)
- When I am sitting, I must have lumbar support, arm/side-support, a cushion under my bottom and a foot stool because my knees are to be at an angle higher than my hips; when necessary, I am only to cross my right leg over my left and I am NOT to lean-in to one side of the chair or the other.
- When standing, I must wear certified tennis shoes with a heal-lift in my left leg; when available, I can lean on a wall for support; however, I cannot lean forward, for that will negate the “do not bend forward” rule.
- When lying down, I must have a pillow under my neck, support pillows (or sensory input materials) on both sides of my body, a pillow under my knees when lying on my back or a pillow between my legs and under the curve of my side while lying on my back; additionally, I was told that I’d “be better off sleeping with a knife in my chest than laying on my belly” at night. Hmmm….
- If I must climb a stairwell, I have to use the handrail and absolutely NO skipping of steps (duh!).
- I cannot go even 1 day without PT – I can receive such therapy from either my Specialist or my husband, whom has attended several therapy sessions and whom my Physical Therapists have taught to manipulate my body “enough” to get me to the next session.
- Close your eyes folks, because I even have a pamphlet of how to “be” with my husband without breaking any of the above or doctor’s prescribed rules.
- If I must walk, it needs be on smooth land, preferably pavement or concrete.
- I must stay-in and rest on a work-night, no exceptions.
- My body requires hours and hours of sleep each night.
- I am required to spend my FMLA days seeking relaxation, NOT finishing up school paperwork, picking up the house, helping with dinner or doing the dishes.
- Traveling has not yet been an option.
- If I do attend a social function – or leave the house – I must continue to adhere to my rules, regardless of the place or people and my aptitude usually expires after about only four hours (upon which I turn into a pumpkin and must be carried home before I break more than my glass slipper).

How is one supposed to survive under such critical stipulations? In my case, I have had to learn to say no…

This year, I Just-Said-No to:
- My 30th Birthday was the first year I was unable to see my parents on the actual day I was born because it was my first day back to work and I was in so much pain we had to cancel my big birthday dinner.
- Gage and I had to stop attending church every week because the sitting in a two-hour service was too difficult on my disabled and rule-bound body.
- My doctor restricted me to a 3-day work week, and would have decreased it even more if it were possible to do so without the fear of me losing my job.
- We could not travel to North Carolina this New Year’s Eve to visit my in-laws, as per our new tradition.
- I did not see my mother on Mother’s Day because my doctor told me that it was too dangerous for me to attend a parade.
- I had to stop meeting with my Women’s Group and my Accountability Partner on a regular, scheduled basis because my body grew too tired to keep up with any sort of an after-work life.
- I could not attend my best friend’s Winery Birthday Bash because the location was about an hour away and that was considered “traveling.”
- Spontaneous plans are not an option, for there is too much prep-work involved in getting my body ready for even just a short visit with friends.
- We made it to one nephew’s baptism but couldn’t stay for the brunch; we had to miss another nephew’s baptism but made it to the after-party.
- I missed my dear friend’s wedding last August because my doctor did not release me to travel so soon after surgery.
- I have missed the Turner Annual Float Trip three years in a row.
- I have missed seeing my family on almost every one of their actual Birthday’s (per custom) this year because each date happened to fall on a weeknight.
- I could not attend a former student’s (and someone very, very dear to my heart) funeral because I was in too much pain after attending the visitation the day before.
- Gage and I had to start saying “no” to Sunday Dinner at the Dodson’s.
- I gave up my ticket to the Fox Theatre last December because I was not able to sit for that long in those theatre seats.
- Gage and I had to miss Christmas Day with our families because I “over-did-it” hosting Christmas Eve at our house the night before.
- I was unable to travel to my Nona and Papa’s house for their Holiday at the Lake party.
- Date-Night at the Dodson House actually means Blockbuster and take-out, served on the couch and in pajamas.
- We stopped going to the movies unless it was an afternoon show (aka vacant) where I could bring a pillow and literally lay across a row of seats.
- The list is endless…. Baby showers, game-nights with friends, coffee with the girls, shopping with my sister, annual winery trips, graduation parties, birthday parties, double-dates… I’ve missed them all…
- This year, I have sat at home, alone, many-a-nights while my husband attended house-warming parties, Birthday gatherings, Men’s Group Meetings and family dinners without me because these events fell on my “no” nights…

I am not a woman who comes from a place of NO… However, to protect my body, I have had to adhere to these stern restrictions. What happens if I “break” one of the rules? PAIN. STOMACH-CHURNING, GUT-WRENCHING, BODY-THROBBING, TAKE-ME-TO-THE-HOSPITAL PAIN…

Unfortunately, not everyone in my life has been understanding of my limitations. Some people are in denial. Some do not grasp the magnitude of my situation. Some prefer to pressure their own agendas, perhaps to see if I can be swayed or even, dare I say, bullied into committing to an attendance even though my doctors have advised otherwise…

Recently, someone close to us expressed to Gage, who regretfully denied an invitation on our behalf, that he was “enabling” me. Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines enabling as “to make possible, practical, or easy,” (2011). Looking at this definition, one could assume that this person meant that Gage was trying to make my currently, physically-limited life less, well… limited. One could suppose that this person wanted Gage to allow his wife to live a somewhat-capable life even though her body was constricted. One could even presume that this person admired Gage’s commitment to the “for better or worse” part of his vows and respected Gage’s selflessness in such an inconvenient and suppressed situation. This person, however, did not describe Gage in such an endearing way…

To honor both my husband and the person whom claimed Gage to be my Enabler, I immediately discussed the accusation with two of the Specialists on my Medical Team. I had never thought myself one to take advantage of others, nor had I believed myself to hibernate from a social life. However, hoping that that charge against my husband came from a place of love, I investigated its claim with those who have been working both with me and on my body for the past seven months.

Upon hearing my concern, my primary doctor replied, “The attitude expressed by that person is one that I have to deal with on a regular basis,” she began, “As I said, this is an attitude – one in which many, many people have toward patients and people with chronic pain…. The issues here are complex and difficult. It is sadly common for health care providers (and others) to discount pain, and even more common to discount chronic pain.

By definition, chronic pain is that which has outlived its usefulness as a signal of tissue damage. Chronicity creates more pain and actually changes the physical structure of the ascending pain pathways which alters the endogenous pain modulation system (the system that helps you manage your own pain). Unfortunately, currently, we are not smart enough to measure this, so even more unfortunately, many physicians think that if they do not know what the source of the pain is, that it must not actually exist.

This is a problem with the limitations of medicine. Then, if you cannot measure it, and you cannot effectively treat it, it becomes much easier to deny its existence or to "blame the patient" which is what it sounds like the person in your life is doing.

There are a number of studies about this. One found that the higher the pain-scale rating the patient reports, the less likely they are to be believed, and the higher you go on the medical 'food chain’ (surgeon versus therapist) the less likely the patient is to be believed, even in light of a known, extremely painful condition (this is why cancer pain is so under-treated). This makes it very difficult for other-treating professionals (like physical therapists or other specialists) to effectively treat patients – and it is devastating for the sufferer. Furthermore, it is unfortunately not uncommon for those that are trying to support the patient to be labeled Enablers,” the doctor explained to Gage and I.

When I then asked my doctor what the most appropriate reaction to such an accusation would be, she explained, “What might be more helpful to you is to deal with the reality of this; to do so, you are going to have to find those who are supportive and to try not to expect much out of those who are, for some reason, not. I understand that this is not fair – and is very difficult – but it is the sad reality. I wish that I could offer you something more helpful, but my experience with this is consistent. My job is to help you as much as I am able, to help you get your needs met within a sometimes hostile medical environment.... this is why I want you to write about your experience. The system is very broken, to the detriment of decent patient care…”

Even though Gage and I were validated by my brutally honest Team of Medical Advisors, our hearts still ached… There is someone, possibly more people, in our lives who do not only understand the physical pain in which I endure every day, but who deny its existence and; therefore, disagree with the way in which Gage and I are advised to manage our circumstances.

Gage, my beloved husband, lives with me daily and only understands pieces of my pain; however, he never denies its existence nor does he deny me help, patience or kindness. As a Christian woman, I have learned that I cannot make others believe in God as I do – for that takes individual faith that only comes from the Lord and from within. I just wonder what it will take for those important people who are in our lives to believe in Gage and I enough to not just walk away from us during this desperate time of need, but to stand by our side through it all…

An Unfinished Work…

I have been down this road before… many a times, actually. I like to think that God has a “flare for the dramatic,” and as cliché as that sounds, it is the honest truth behind this thought. I have been the girl to hit rock bottom and then, through trial and tribulation, found myself looking down, years later, from a breathtaking view upon a mountain top… I have been the poster child and I have been the instigator, and each time I have been surprised by what God “really” had in store for me—and then I became a true believer in the verse, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps,” (Proverbs 16:9)


* * * *

My journey towards teaching had been long and grueling. In my last year at college (The University of Missouri-Columbia, aka “Mizzou”), I discovered my true passion. Unfortunately, it was in something other than my major of Communications/Marketing/Management. I had accepted a job as a substitute teacher for Columbia Public Schools while I attended Mizzou and, consequentially, discovered that I had an unmistakable enthusiasm for students and learning. Even though I had spent four years working to become the next-big Advertising Executive, I began looking more forward to the days I spent in the classroom than the internships I held at the Columbia radio station or hours I spent preparing for Marketing pitches.

After I graduated from Mizzou, due to my ability to flexibly work with a multitude of teachers and students, I was offered a Teacher’s Assistant position with the CPS in a Summer School Special Education classroom. Once summer school ended, I, regrettably, moved back to St. Louis; however, within months from graduation I moved back in with my parents, signed up for Teacher’s Education classes at The University of Missouri-Saint Louis (aka “UMSL”) and began the journey towards my God-given destiny: Special Education.

When I started taking classes at UMSL, I was told that I could earn a Teaching Certification for Special Education in a little over a year. However, as I completed each course, I suddenly realized that the Program Completion list grew longer and longer. I talked to the Dean of Education regarding the matter and learned that, even though I had started my Program before UMSL had made its changes to the Certification Syllabus, I was not grand-fathered into my pre-existing commitment. I learned that I a year-long internship had been added to the Program. Despite its deterrence, I agreed to continue with my Plan. As I dove deeper into the Program, I also discovered that if I agreed to take two additional classes over the summer, I would earn a second Bachelor’s Degree. Being that I never did anything half-way, I stayed with the Program; I completed all of the courses, I earned straight A’s and I decided that the second Degree, along with a second Teaching Certification (one in Special Education and another in Elementary Education) was my new mission.

During the first two years that I spent at UMSL, I worked full-time at a bank while taking full-time classes at night. However, as I entered the final year of my teaching degree, I was one of the few, fortunate college students who was hired by a school district and could spend all of those “required” Student-Teaching hours in the classroom, earning a paycheck while earning my degree. I was a teacher’s assistant at a Ferguson-Florissant elementary school and I could whole-heartedly say that I loved my job! Nonetheless, as I finished my final projects, completed my portfolio and waited patiently for graduation, I began the quest for a “real” teaching position.

During the last month of the school year, my supervising teacher, Christy, became engaged—to a man who lived in Ohio. She informed me that she would not be returning to school the following year and that she had already discussed the situation with her superior. She then told me that the (teaching) position was mine if I were interested. “Yes!” I exclaimed. Unfortunately, almost as soon as the words escaped my lips she decided to stay in St. Louis for the year leading up to her wedding; hence, she would be keeping her job. I could; however, remain her assistant for an additional year, then accept her position the following school year.

During that same month, I incidentally had to have surgery on my foot for an injury that I endured while running. I began to weigh my options:

I could keep my job as an assistant and continue to have health insurance as I healed from the surgery...

I could find a teaching job within Special School District (SSD) and my insurance benefits would transfer with me...

Or, I could apply for a teaching position outside of the district and go without insurance for 90 days…

I kept all options open and prayed that God would lead me to my fate.

Weeks passed, then months, and before long I had been on several interviews but I had not accepted nor received any “worthwhile” teaching positions. I was panicked! Summer was coming to an end and Christy wanted to know my intentions for the upcoming school year. Having worked for the district for several years, she knew that it was very likely I would receive a job offer after the school year began—which would leave her without an assistant. A highly-qualified candidate (who had a Master’s Degree in teaching) was interested in my assistant-position, yet was not eligible until I resigned, and would not be available if I waited to resign after the school year started because she was also wanted at several schools. It was quickly becoming decision-time, yet I did not have a solution—or even a compromise for the situation!

I had been in contact with the Human Resources department for SSD and explained my case to the Director of HR. She advised me to keep my assistant position—for the health insurance—and to quit when they could match me with an appropriate teaching position, even if that meant quitting my job as an assistant after the school year began. She did not seem to care that I would be leaving Christy – the woman who taught me everything she new about teaching, sacrificed personal time to help me with my college assignments and mentored me throughout the entire past year – in a compromised position if I committed to a year as her assistant, knowing that I would leave as soon as I found my “bigger and better” teaching job.

On Tuesday, I was informed that I had to make my decision by Friday. On Friday I hand-delivered my letter of resignation to the HR Director. Without opening the envelope, she said, “Stephanie, I cannot believe that you made this decision.” I remained silent. “Do you have a minute?” She asked me. “Yes,” I said. “Can you wait out in the hall while I make a phone call?” I nodded. As I sat on the uncomfortable chair just outside her office I had no idea what this woman was thinking. “Stephanie, you can come in,” she called to me from behind her desk. “I called an Area Coordinator in the Webster Groves School District and left her a message to call you for an interview. Hopefully she hasn’t filled the position.” I thanked her for making the phone call and began to make my exit when the director of Human Resources said to me, “And Stephanie,” I turned to face her, “I really admire your decision.”

I then knew that my career was out of my hands, so I graciously handed it over to God. “Lord, you put this passion for teaching inside of me. You inspired and willed me to go back to college for another three years—earning two Teaching Certifications and even working at the Ferguson-Florissant Elementary school. I know that this is Your Will, and I know that You will not leave anything un-finished that You have started. God, I give this entire situation to you….”

The next morning, on a Saturday, I received a phone call from the Webster Groves Area Coordinator. “Can you come in for an interview on Monday?” she asked me. “Yes,” I said immediately, not even asking when or where the interview was to be held.

After the interview, I could not contain myself; I wanted the position so badly! Bristol Elementary School needed a Special Education Resource Teacher. I knew that Webster Groves was a coveted school district for one to be employed. I also knew that a Resource Teacher position was one in which a teacher usually had to “due her time” in other, more “challenging” classrooms to earn. I also knew that the odds were against me, being a first-year teacher far from the South County area. However, my car had not yet reached the highway after leaving Bristol when the Area Coordinator called my cell phone and asked me if I would accept the position. “Yes!” I practically screamed into the phone.

Two days later, God blessed me with a second phone call—this one from the HR Director. “Stephanie, I am shredding your letter of resignation. Since you accepted the Resource Teaching position I am going to put you into the system as a transfer,” she paused as I began realizing what she was saying, “This means that you do not lose any insurance benefits.”

I knew that God had honored my decision to stand up for what is right for ALL, not just myself; and, because of that, He had not only delivered me my dream job, He had provided care for my body as it continued to heal from foot surgery.

* * * *

I began my first degree of study at the University of Missouri-Columbia (MU) in 1998. In 2002, I graduated with a BA in Communications – Marketing, Management and Public Relations. I studied everything from gender differences in Communications to advertising and business management. As much as I loved the field of Communications, the Lord had a different plan for me.

During my senior year at MU, I was presented with an opportunity to be a substitute teacher for Columbia Public Schools. From the first day I stepped foot into a classroom, God spoke to my heart and told me, “This is where you belong.” Even though I knew that my destiny would quickly change, I finished my degree at MU. Six months after graduation, I began my pursuit to become a teacher at the University of Missouri-St. Louis.

While in Columbia, I was introduced to Special Education. At first, I refused to accept any positions in a Special Education classroom. I said “no” out of fear. However, God quickly reminded me that I have nothing to fear in Him; then He made it impossible for me to refuse any longer. After my first day in a Special Education classroom, I knew that God gave me the heart to serve children with disabilities.

I received a Bachelor’s Degree in Special Education in 2006 (along with certification in both Special Education grades K-12 and General Education grades 1-6th). God honored my faithfulness to return to school by blessing me with a position within Special School District as a Resource Teacher in one of the top 10 districts in St. Louis, where I have been working ever since.


* * * *

I was living my dream... However, after this past Spring Break, the Break that ended up turning into a nightmare instead of a vacation, my doctors decided that I needed to take some time off of work. Because my Intermittent, Short-Term Disability is due to run out at the end of May, the Human Resource’s Department advised me to pursue Long Term Disability. When I first had this discussion, rather, when I first asked my doctor if I should look into LTD, without blinking her eyes, she said, “Yes.” However, I could not accept her answer that easily. Gage and I made an appointment with his family’s Primary Care Physician. After reviewing my medical records and personal history, he, too, without hesitation told me to apply for LTD. As if those two confirmations were not enough, I went on to ask my Physical Therapist and my Pain Management Specialist their opinions. “Yes” and “Yes” they said. A week later, Gage and I began the paperwork for approval for Long Term Disability.

I have learned that LTD takes around 45 business days to finalize its approval. Because I had started the process during the last week of March, I was hoping that I could be one of the “lucky ones” to learn of my approval sooner; however, after a phone call to the company last week, and learning that I had weeks of waiting, I decided to call my Human Resources Department again. Because they had already been helping me complete paperwork for Short-Term Disability throughout this entire year, they were eager to help me with the LTD process. The only problem was; however, that I could not officially receive a Leave-of-Absence from SSD until July, 30 days before the start of the school year. This upset me, because I wanted to display the courtesy to my colleagues, my Team and my friends that there is a great likelihood that I will not return to my teaching position for this next school year.

Finally, this week, I informed my school building that I am awaiting approval for LTD and will, realistically, not return in the Fall.

* * * *

I admit, this change-of-events has definitely shaken me; for I thought that when God called me to be a Teacher, He meant for me to do this for the rest of my life… However, I am reminded that He has not failed me; God did not let me pacify my life with a passion-less career; He did not let me mollify my marriage with a mediocre husband; He will not disable my body without a hope and a way for healing… I just pray that this “break” – this Long Term Disability – is His Way towards my miracle…

The Checklist

Every girl has her checklists…

What do I want to do before I turn 30? (I mean… 40?)
What do I want in a husband?
What do I need to have the perfect home?
What do I need from the grocery store today?

Some checklists are thrown out the window the minute the bags are in the back of the trunk; others are coveted Rules for Life.

Before I had met Gage, I had created my very own Husband Checklist. I had kissed enough frogs to know what I did NOT want in a “Mister” and could come up with quite a catalog of must-haves before I would ever become a “Misses.” Most importantly, I knew that I would not marry a man unless he was a Christian. I believed in the Bible – and I did not want to live a life where I was “unequally yoked” with a man (2 Corinthians 6:14). Marrying a believer was a Non-Negotiable on my register; however, as the saying goes, “We plan, God laughs,” (unknown).

I met Gage in October of 2007 – about two years after I finalized my List. We both lived in the same apartment complex and, before I knew it, I suddenly had a new work-out buddy. Gage’s apartment was directly across the street from the gym/laundry-mat where we first met. There I was, peddling away on the stationary bike, “sweatpants and no make-up on” (Drake) when a young-looking man with bright blue eyes, baggy clothes and a side-tilted hat started a conversation with me about the book in my hands. That day, I learned that Gage was a teacher, also loved to read and lived only a few buildings down from where I lived.

For months, it so “happened” that every time I went to the gym, Gage was there a few minutes afterwards. We’d banter back and forth – he even taught me how to use a few of the machines, but he NEVER asked me out. After a while, I stopped wondering “when” Gage would ask me out; then after a little while longer, I stopped asking “why” Gage wasn’t asking me out. Gage became just a “guy” at the gym and soon he stopped filling my mind with questions all together.

The following June, I, again, was at the gym when Gage walked through the doors. He walked straight up to me and we began chatting. The small-talk ran thin and I excused myself to go into the laundry room. I was leaving the next day for a trip to the beach and I had a lot of clothes to wash and bags to pack. After switching a load of laundry, I returned to the (connected) gym. As soon as Gage saw me, he ran over and started talking to me again. As before, the conversation died and I made my way back to the laundry room to finish for the day. While folding my whites, Gage, unexpectedly, appeared.

“I meant to ask you,” he began and I suddenly realized that he was nervous, “have you read any good books lately?” His question seemed random, yet I answered anyways. “Actually, no,” I said, “I am leaving tomorrow to go on vacation and I don’t have a good book to read. Do you have any recommendations?” Gage’s face fell and I couldn’t understand the change in his demeanor; yet he responded with a list of his favorite authors and titles anyways. He was quiet for several seconds before he finally asked, “Are you going on vacation by yourself?” (What girl goes on vacation alone?)

“No,” I responded, “I am going with about twenty members of my family.” Gage’s face lit up like a Christmas Tree. “I have a book you can borrow!” he exclaimed. Gage asked if I’d mind waiting while he (literally) ran to his apartment to retrieve the book. He appeared two minutes later and handed me a paperback. I thanked him and asked Gage how I could get a hold of him to return the book once I was finished reading it.

“I’m actually moving this week,” Gage said. “Really?” I asked, confused and surprised, “Where are you going?” “I bought a house in Kirkwood,” he explained. I learned that he wasn’t just moving “this week” – Gage was moving the very next day.

I hesitated, “Um… So how would you like to get your book back?” I asked. Gage’s face turned red and he looked down at his feet. “I, uh,” he began, “I think that my card is in the book.” He directed me.

I laughed, “Oh really…” I teased, “Why would it be there?” I could not help but confront his attempt at slyness. “I must have used it as a bookmark when I last read it,” he stammered as he explained the card.” I flipped through the book.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t see it,” I said. Gage took the book from my hands and flipped the page open directly to his card. “Here it is,” he said, then blushed. I couldn’t help but laugh. Was he finally flirting with me after all this time?

“Okay…” I said, “I’ll get a hold of you when I finish the book.” “That would be great!” he beamed, “We could have a Book Talk.” A book talk – what is with this guy?

When I returned from my vacation about two weeks later, finished book in bag, I found Gage’s card and emailed him (I don’t call guys). He emailed me back and asked me if I was still interested in meeting up for a Book-Talk. I agreed, assuming that if Gage wanted to go on a date with me, he would ask me on a date. Instead, he asked me on a Book-Talk…

Over pizza and lemonade, I handed the book back to Gage and he quickly tucked it away; we didn’t discuss the book throughout the entire dinner. He did, however, ask me what I was doing to fill my summer days, being a teacher and not having to work. I explained to Gage that I was asked by my pastor to lead a Women’s Group at my church. It was the first group I had ever led at a church, and so I spent several hours each week preparing the material and then I met with the group once each week. Gage was extremely interested in not only the group that I led, but my church as well. However, I learned that Gage did not attend church and was not a Christian.

After the plates were cleared and the left-overs were boxed, Gage walked me to my car. “You should call me and we can do this again some time,” he said. Being coy, I responded, “I don’t have your phone number.” “Yes you do,” he retorted, “It’s on the card I gave you.” “Oh, I thought that was your bookmark!” I teased, “The card is still in the book. I didn’t want you to loose your page.” I winked. Gage laughed and shook his head, knowing that I was calling his bluff. He opened the book, retrieved the card and handed it to me. “Will you call me sometime?” he asked. “No,” I said. “But, you can call me.” That was our first Non-Date. A week later, he picked me up for our first Official Date.

Gage and I dated for weeks, and with each date, I discovered that he met more and more of the criteria for my Checklist. He was handsome; he was educated; he was a gentleman; he was funny; he treated me as a princess; he was wonderful; however, I couldn’t change the fact that Gage was not a Christian. After dating casually for a little over one month, Gage brought up my Church with great curiosity. “Would you like to go with me sometime?” I asked. “Yes!” he responded, “Can I go tomorrow?” Every Saturday evening or Sunday morning that followed, Gage accompanied me to church; however, he still was not a Christian… and I still refused to get into a serious relationship with him because of that.

After attending Church with me for almost a month, Gage and I met a young couple who sat behind us one Saturday evening. To this day, neither Gage nor I remember their names, nor did we see them again; however, I believe that they changed our lives.

We met this duo during the meet-and-greet at the beginning of the service. At end, as we politely said our good-byes to the young man and his girlfriend, she handed Gage a piece of paper. “God spoke to me about you today and I wanted you to have this,” she said.

The note to Gage read:

Gage, God is going to move through you like no other because of your heart. Don’t ever give up on your vision. The Lord is giving you the heart of David, “the man after God’s own heart,” (Psalm 27:4). The Lord wants to give you this heart, to make you a man of “one thing.”

On the other side of the paper, she wrote:

Stephanie, the Lord is going to make you an Elizabeth, bringing forth a promised thing that others thought impossible. His promises to you are true and will happen, even if they seem delayed (Luke 1).
Remember when God healed your wounds and your heart? He is going to use that healed body of yours and you will impact many.

Gage did not know how to respond to the Prophesy; however, he wanted to live up to everything written on that paper. He just didn’t know how…

Two weeks later, Gage asked me if I would be “his girlfriend.” Everything in my heart told me to say “Yes!” to Gage, but I hesitated. I had not been in a serious relationship with a man for over a year, because I was waiting for The One – the guy who met all of my criteria – and I had told myself (prior to Gage), that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to “settle’ for someone who did not meet all of the Non-Negotiables on my Checklist. However, when I was with Gage, I felt peace on my heart. I felt that God was moving in both my life and in Gage’s. Finally, I told Gage, “Yes, I will be your girlfriend,” with not only the faith that God would protect my heart, but that Gage would as well.

Another two weeks passed and, while at a special service at Church, Gage gave himself to God and became a Christian. When Gage did this, he did not know about my Checklist; he did not know about my hesitancy to give him my heart; he did not know that the one thing keeping me from getting to close to him was my closeness and promises to God – but God knew these things.

A year and a half later, on our wedding day, my sister stood by my side as my matron-of-honor and gave this toast:

The Toast
Given by Bonnie Rowan

On behalf of Stephanie & Gage, I just want to thank you for coming tonight. For anyone who does not know me, I am Stephanie's younger sister, Bonnie. Now, I may be the younger sister but I didn't always act like it. I've been known to be very protective towards Steph & her past boyfriends. I was known for giving the third-degree & the evil eye quite a bit. I realized early into Steph & Gage's relationship that I never acted this way towards Gage. At first, I thought maybe it was because I was "growing up" & shouldn't act that way. But then I realized that I didn't need to act that way with Gage. I trusted Gage from the moment I met him. I knew he had my sister's best interest at heart & I no longer had to "look out" for my Big Sis. When I realized this, I called Stephanie & I told her, "Steph! I know why you & Gage are meant for each other, but I am not going to tell you yet." Of course, Stephanie tried to get it out of me, so I told her I would save it for their wedding day…

So this is it Steph! I knew Gage's heart was in the right place from day one; so now he can do the honor of being the person to protect you, since I don’t have to do it anymore.

But, that’s not it! Through the years, Stephanie acquired quite a list of qualities her future husband needed. She would tell me things off the list from time to time & I would think in the back of my head, “You’re being too picky; you will never find a guy to fit all of your wishes. Get real Steph!” Well, Gage, I was wrong. You do things for my sister that far exceed her wish list. I just want to thank you for being her Prince Charming. You are everything she has ever wanted in a husband and more.

Watching you guys over the past two years, I’ve seen how you bring out the best in each other. You put the other person’s needs first & you make each other very happy. I am honored to call Gage my brother-in-law & I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.

Earlier this week, Gage and I found the piece of paper that the Mystery Couple gave to us that one random night at church…

The ironic thing about that paper is that I forgot that there was a message written to ME – all I remembered was that a young woman handed Gage a piece of paper that, to me, was one of the first steps that led Gage towards God… and then towards the aisle that led him to being my husband.

When I re-read the special words that were specifically to me, my eyes filled with tears. That note was written almost three years ago! How did she know that my body would face such challenges? How did she know that one day, I would need to be healed? How did she know that there would be desires upon my heart that, to some (including myself) often seem impossible and entirely out of reach?

The past few weeks have been extremely difficult on my body. Since Spring Break, each day that I drove to work, tears streamed down my cheeks because of the intense pain that I was already feeling at seven o’clock in the morning. I realized that I had physically and finally reached my ultimate limit; the only things getting me through the day were: the people at work who were lending me their strength, my husband who prayed over me every morning on my drive to the school, the physical therapist who kneaded the knots out of my body every afternoon after work and the countdown to Summer Break.

I admit, I have a hidden Checklist of all of the things I want to do once my body is healed. Among it, I want to have lots and lots of babies; I want to take care of my husband the way he has taken care of me these past two years; I want to twirl my niece in the air and give my nephews a piggy-back ride; I want to walk my dog; I want to run and run and run…

For now, I wait… Just as I waited for God to bring me my husband, I wait for God to bring me my healing… And, just as the Mystery Woman wrote,

Stephanie, the Lord is going to make you an Elizabeth, bringing forth a promised thing that others thought impossible. His promises to you are true and will happen, even if they seem delayed (Luke 1).
Remember when God healed your wounds and your heart? He is going to use that healed body of yours and you will impact many.

I wait to be the living example that not only do good things come to those who wait, but if I “wait on the Lord and be of good courage, He will strengthen my heart,” (Psalm 27:14).

Please pray with me that I can make it until Summer Break and that God will grant me my healing…

You Can't Take a Break from Pain

Spring Break…. Ah…. The perks of being a teacher!

On the first official day of my Spring Break (last Saturday), I was well enough to go to a Trivia Night honoring one of my dearest friend’s, Danielle, brother who is undergoing treatment for cancer. Even though the reason for the event was dismal, Danielle’s brother is doing very well and the event was a FUN fundraiser that raised Danielle’s family a lot of money to use towards medical expenses and her brother’s healing.

This was actually the first night OUT of the house for something other than a holiday or family event for Gage and I to attend with a group of people since before I had my surgery last JUNE. That in itself was a BIG deal and I was walking on air! I was so excited to get out of the house, to mingle, to laugh, to play…

The evening went very well! Danielle and her mother brought in a special chair (with a full back and arm rests) to support my back, they arranged our table to be near a wall as to protect me from people bumping into my chair, and they made sure we were close enough to all of the activities so I that wouldn’t have to do much walking. With all of the special treatment, I almost felt as if the event were held just for me!

The next day, Gage and I had a well-deserved lazy morning, followed by a peaceful afternoon taking a drive down River Des Peres; we listened to a new cd in which we had bought and sung like crazy teenagers at the top of our lungs. That evening, Gage grilled in the backyard while I chatted with him from the back porch. Life was good…

THEN REALITY SET IN: I started my Monday morning with an appointment to see Dr. C., my Pain Management Specialist. The Medical Team and I agreed that I needed a real BREAK, so instead of attending the FOUR appointments that were originally scheduled during my Spring Break, they decided that I would see Dr. C one time for pain management and that my lovely husband would be my personal physical therapist every night to help me through the rest of the week.

I arrived at the office with my list of questions for Dr. C and he helped me through each and every one. Thankfully, it was decided that since Dr. C works within my Medical Team, he should take over ALL of my medications (rather than still have me consult with The Surgeon and my previous Pain Management Specialist whose new office is an hour away). In doing so, Dr. C narrowed the list from SEVEN prescriptions to only three. Thinking outside-the-box (as this Team so often does), Dr. C also explained the benefits of trying a pain-reliever patch (as opposed to taking multiple short-acting pills throughout the day). He also agreed with Dr. Julie and prescribed me a sleeping pill. Lastly, Dr. Julie helped me find a supplement called 5-HTP (that I could buy at any Health Store) to address my low levels of Serotonin and Dr. C gave me a cortisone shot to help the inflammation in my hip (the source of the Nighttime Pain Monster).

THE SHOT HEARD AROUND SOUTH CITY – DAY ONE: When I first left Dr. C’s office, I felt relieved. We had a plan for my medications. We had an attack on the sleep-burglar, a supplement for my serotonin and a shot for my horrific hip…

I went straight to the pharmacy to drop off the new scripts, then tried running to the nearby Target to pick up a few items for my beloved. I had barely made it to the revolving doors before noticing that the more pressure I placed on my left leg, the more pain I felt. Knowing that cortisone shots can often have painful side-effects, I was not surprised by the discomfort. The last time I had received a cortisone shot, I felt as if someone had punched me in my back from the inside out and I was just waiting for the purple-green bruises to surface. This time; however, within fifteen minutes I felt that same pain times fifty-thousand.

I was home within the thirty minutes and by the time Gage came home three hours later I could not even walk from the couch to the door five feet away to greet him. As the hours passed, the pain intensified. Soon, I could not even move my leg on my own, let alone move around the house.

I contacted Dr. Julie in a panic. She explained that, unfortunately, what I was experiencing what was commonly called a steroid flush. This type of reaction to the cortisone is very painful and lasts, on average, 72 hours. When I found this out, I was in Hour 20. Fifty-Two more to go…

Gage and I decided that, due to my condition, I could not be left alone, so he took Tuesday off of work to stay home with me. On Monday evening, the pain had gotten so bad I could not even move my left foot without either crying or screaming. Gage did everything that he could to make me as comfortable as possible, but even that wasn’t enough. Finally, I took my new-prescription sleeping pill and went to bed praying for a better day.

DAY TWO: Thankfully, Tuesday morning, I awoke able to move my leg; however, I was still unable to walk without assistance. Another “Thankfully” – my husband was by my side.

My hip improved as the hours passed (as promised); however, the pain was still extreme. Around three in the afternoon, the pharmacy called to tell me that my pain-patch was ready for pick up. Dr. C explained that, because I have chronic pain (aka: pain that NEVER stops), the patch may be my best option; the directions were to wear it for seven days, and replace it four times each month. Dr. C directed me that the patch “should” take 12 hours to get into my system. Lucky for me, I felt its effects within two hours. Unfortunately, however, I reacted to the patch as I did to every new medication – SEVERLY.

The purpose of the patch is to release pain-managing medication every hour into my body. The common side effects included: headache, nausea, dizziness/light-headedness, drowsiness, etc. Unfortunately, I endured ALL of them – at the same time. The patch also came with the traditional warning NOT to drive a car or operate heavy machinery until I knew how I would react to the medication. Thank goodness I waited to see my reaction before getting behind our tractor, because, as my Spring Break preceded me, the day that had started to get better with a decrease in my hip-pain suddenly spiraled out of control again.

For hours, Gage helped me battle the side-effects of the patch. I was instructed NOT to take the patch off; rather, to let my body get used to the medication as it was intended. With a wash-cloth on my forehead, Sprite being the only thing I was able to get down my throat, a bucket in my lap (not for popcorn), and manic bouts of hysterical laughter and simultaneous heart-breaking, frightened tears, I managed through the night.

DAY THREE/TODAY: I awoke feeling a thousand times better, yet still healing and still adapting. Even after taking my new sleeping pill the night before, I got up when Gage did for work at 6:30 am. My biggest battle became my throbbing headache. I was able to walk, but not for long distances (as in from the couch to the kitchen), so to avoid the walking, I avoided drinking and eating until Gage got home from work (he had taken a half-day to help care for me).

AND NOW… As the day now turns into the evening, I can walk the distance of my house without assistance, I can move my left leg independently, my appetite is returning, the hysterics have vanished and my overall pain is being managed mostly by the patch that Gage practically had to tie my hands behind my back last night to keep me from ripping it off of my body…

I pray that as my Spring Break closes in on its mid-way point, I can be blessed with at least a few days of fun – or at least a few pain-free moments. Please pray this for me, too.

Chronic Pain - The Prognosis

THE PROGNOSIS: As the first two weeks of these symptoms crept by, I let my Medical Team know of my concerns. During that time, I had been seeing Nancy two times each week and her latest suggestion was to have Gage come in to the office (again) to learn more PT that he could do with me at home to help manage the pain on days when I did not have appointments. (This blessing would potentially decrease likely pain build-up, as well as save us the $30.00 co-pay for each visit!)

Gage was gracious enough to come with me – even though he was already on his Spring Break at that time and also desperately needed a “break” himself. The session went very well! Nancy is an amazing teacher and Gage is a fast learner, so we left there feeling confident – we still feel confident in fact – however, the pain still shows its ugly face every hour of every day…

Because I was primarily seeing Nancy for PT during those weeks, Dr. Julie was kind enough to contact me through her personal email account so that she was more accessible. I explained to Dr. Julie my problems with both sleeping and eating and let her know that I was at my absolute point of desperation. Dr. Julie began by explaining the correlation between chronic pain and sleep. She said, “Nancy and I did talk and you need to talk with Dr. C (my new Pain Management Specialist who is also in their office) about your sleep issues. Pain and sleep have a reciprocal relationship. That is, when you have increased frequency and intensity during the day, you will have poorer quality sleep that night and poor quality sleep can lead to increased pain during the day.”

Dr. Julie went on to tell me that she also thinks I have a depletion of serotonin due to my chronic pain. She explained that, “Often, early morning wakings can indicate decreased serotonin levels. Since serotonin is the neurotransmitter used by the internal pain management system AND the emotional brain, it can get mightily depleted in a person with chronic pain.” Furthermore, she stated that low serotonin levels also greatly affect a person’s appetite.

Official Prognoses: Hello, my name is Stephanie Dodson. I have Chronic Pain Disorder. I am sleep deprived. My serotonin levels and appetite are compromised. And, even though I have a brilliant group of medical professionals who are working around-the-clock to help me, I still do not know the absolute root of my pain; therefore, its treatment continues to be a guessing game...

IN OTHER NEWS - I GRADUATED! The good news was that Mark had decided that I “graduated” from Biofeedback Therapy. First, he established that I had the breathing, visualization, self-monitoring and relaxation techniques so well-practiced that I no longer required weekly sessions with him for those purposes. Then, he reaffirmed that Biofeedback Therapy, while productive in regards to any pain, is truly most beneficial when there are not “mechanical” issues that are deterring true treatment advances. Because I have a long list of non-treated mechanical issues, Mark felt it best for me to keep him as part of my Medical Team (seeing him every 4-6 weeks to check-in) and to focus on the physical aspect of my pain. Yes, Ladies and Gents, I am not crazy, I am not clinically depressed, and the pain is not psychological (as indicated to me once by The Surgeon) – I am a bonafide chronic pain patient with a “complicated and complex” case.

Chronic Pain - The Symptoms

My last several blogs have been (I’ll admit it) “sappy” ways for me to get out my own personal grief, as well as to show gratitude for those who have helped me this far along my journey. However, this entry will be an informative one, for if I’ve ever needed my Prayer Warriors, it’s now…

About three weeks ago, I began suffering severe side-effects of my condition. Officially, my new label has become a Chronic Pain Patient (also known as Stephanie Dodson). According to Pain Care Centers, “Chronic pain syndrome (CPS) is a term used to define patients with severe persistent pain from virtually any source which has resulted in marked changes in behavior, self-imposed restriction of daily activities, and heavy, largely ineffective use of the healthcare system. CPS overwhelms all other medical symptoms to the point of becoming the problem itself. It is often accompanied by bouts of irritability, uncontrolled anger, and depression,” (PainCare Centers, Inc., 2011). Additionally, “CPS has no specific cause but rather is the cumulative result of a combination of conditions including the one(s) causing pain. CPS is not fictitious or psychogenic pain but rather the body's psycho-physiologic response to chronic pain… CPS is managed best with a multidisciplinary approach as alluded to above; helping the patient return to a more normal life and accommodating to chronic pain. A lifelong program of graded exercise is a vital component of treatment management,” (2011).

Side Effects & Symptoms of Chronic Pain:

SLEEP DEPREVATION: The first symptom that caused me to worry (besides the never-ending pain in my body) was that I recently developed problems sleeping. Nightly (for the last two years), prior to bed and according to doctor’s orders, I took: 1 Tylenol PM, a prescribed Muscle Relaxer and pain medication – all just to fall asleep. Over the past few weeks, however, all of that medication was not enough. I found myself waking nightly anywhere from 1:00 am to 4:30 am in severe pain. While one would guess that I was woken by my back pain, this relentless pain rooted itself in my left hip. Don’t get me wrong, it often found its way across my low back, too, but the culprit itself over the past three weeks was (usually) my hip.

The problem with poor sleep is that there is not one simple solution. When I’d wake from pain each night, it wasn’t as simple as “just close your eyes and go back to bed.” Mark, my Biofeedback Therapist, taught me several relaxation techniques to try when the Pain Monster came out at night; sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn’t. Nancy, one of my PTs, also taught me various stretches that she thought could help; sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t.

Gage, my poor husband, suffered just as much as I did. It’s hard to sleep when your wife is getting up every night, stretching, meditating, getting a drink of water, going to the rest room, making loud “relaxed” breathing sounds – or worse, crying, unable to get out of bed to get her heating pad, her ice pack, her medicine…

To get through the day, I’d try to compare my poor-sleep to several of my friends who have children – they went months, sometimes longer, on poor sleeping schedules and they still came to work, put on a happy face and lived their lives. However, Mark reminded me that even though my dear friends did not “have it easy,” they did not suffer from chronic pain ON TOP OF their lack-of-sleep.

While that was supposed to comfort me, it didn’t…

NAUSEA: The next symptom that I started experiencing was first an extremely decreased appetite, then nausea once I did force some sort of food into my stomach. I’ve battled this dilemma for over two years – since my back “went out” in July of 2009; however, never to this degree. In the past two years, I have lost 27 pounds.

As the weeks passed and the pounds dropped, I was often asked if I was “trying” to lose weight. People who were close to me knew that I was not. Others, at first, assumed that I was working hard to lose weight for my (then up-coming) wedding. Any woman will admit that it always feels nice when she steps on the scale and sees that she “lost a few,” however, when I had already lost so much weight that two months before the wedding, I not only had to alter, but I was told by the seamstress that I needed to BUY a new wedding dress AND STILL get it taken-in, I started to worry.

After the surgery, I lost even more weight. When I returned to work following both the wedding and the surgery, I had lost a total of about 20 lbs. Twenty pounds on a woman who was not considered “over weight” prior to the weight-loss is very noticeable. To some, I became the topic of conversation and it became embarrassing. Even the school counselor, a woman whom I consider a friend, asked me if I “needed help” (implying that I had developed an eating disorder). I politely explained that yes, I needed help; I needed to be healed.

Another five months went by and none of my clothes fit me anymore; however, I was “just waiting” for the weight to come back so I was in denial of the need to buy anything new to wear. There was a time when I was wearing pants 8-sizes too big for me because I was spending so much money on hospital bills, rehabilitation and prescriptions (not to mention the fact that I ran out of sick days and was not getting paid for the days that I needed off to recover or make those doctor appointments) that I could not afford to buy clothes that fit. Thankfully, my mom offered to take me shopping as part of my Christmas gift and I could at least start to wear pants that didn’t slip off of me when I didn’t wear a belt. Nonetheless, I was still losing weight…

Three weeks ago, it got worse. For the past two years, Gage threatened, “If you get below 100 lbs, we need to do something about it!” What that “something” was; however, neither of us was certain…

When the sleep deprivation began over two weeks ago, the nausea and lack-of-appetite went into full effect. For those two weeks, I couldn’t get above that 100-pound “goal.” At that time, the pain in my body was SO unbearable that knots filled my stomach, not food; and when I finally could eat, I immediately felt sick afterwards, deterring my desire to eat again later. As with the sleeping problems, everything regarding my body, it’s healing and it’s needs, turned into a vicious cycle.

STRESS: They say “it comes in threes” – it being misfortune, and it was happening to me. On top of the endless nights and the belly-aches, work had become a circus. Spring was in the air, then one random day in March, it snowed, followed by a record-breaking 82-degree-day later that same week; all just days prior to our school’s Spring Break.

Two days before Spring Break, my head was wrapped up with two students who were in what we call a “crisis.” That entire day, I literally dragged my limp hip up and down flight after flight of stairs, chasing students who dangerously eloped from their classrooms or were having temper-tantrums in the main hallways. These same two kiddos had been dealing with a lot over the past few weeks and, as their Case Manager, it was my job to take-over when such crises occur.

After being screamed at (literally) for over an hour, “I hate you!” by a student at the top of his lungs - a student with whom I normally have a wonderful relationship - I could not help the tears from creeping into in my eyes. I could not hear those words one more time! I couldn’t feel the tension in my muscles from the echoes of his screams for one more second. I couldn’t ward-off the looming migraine from the volume of his voice for one more round. “I need a time-out,” I told him (and my colleague who saw the tears swelling in my eyes) and I left the room. Thankfully, another teacher-and-Team Mate was standing outside of my door “on watch” so she and I switched places. After a couple of deep breaths and a few seconds of silence, I pulled myself together and was able to go back in and help my student “turn his day around.”

Even though I managed to help that little guy get through the stresses of first grade and field trips – I couldn’t help but feeling like a failure…

Sometimes, I cannot help but ask: Will it ever stop?