Miracles and Mistakes

Hello Prayer Warriors,

I am in desperate need of a miracle... To keep things as simple as possible, I will start by explaining that my employer, SSD, made a HUGE mistake. In August (when the new school year started), I contacted the Insurance Department to let them know that I was on Long Term Disability and; therefore, I was unable to attend the Beginning of the Year Orientation. I asked a woman in the Insurance/Benefits department to specifically tell me when the GHP (Insurance) plan started and ended for this “plan year” (which has always been different both from the fiscal year and different from the school year). I was told (in writing) that I had 60 Physical Therapy (PT) visits to use until NOVEMBER 1st - the start date of the new plan.

Unfortunately, the woman with whom I spoke was new to the department AND SHE GAVE ME THE WRONG START DATE. When my PT Provider called GHP this week to get Authorization for my PT visits for the month of November, she was denied. GHP told her that the start date is JANUARY 1st, NOT November 1st and that I was out of visits until the new plan started.

Basically, if a miracle does not occur, that means that I will have to go TWO ENTIRE MONTHS without any PT treatments. Currently, I participate in 4 PT appointments each week: 2 strength training and 2 pain-release treatments, which I attend back-to-back twice each week. The PT Team with whom I have been working has been amazing; they have gone above and beyond to work on my body and with all of my restrictions. Against many odds, they have been able to help me achieve a GREAT amount of progress.

Since I started my new Treatment Plan, I have made SO many gains! I have:
- gone from walking 1/10th of a mile to walking up to 2 MILES each day
- I can complete a 30-minute Circuit Training routine several times a week
- my endurance for "activities of daily living" has increased from 20 minutes to 2+ hours at a time
- my pain levels have dropped from an averaged level 8/10 (HORRIBLE) to a a level 4/10 (UNCOMFORTABLE); I have not felt this much pain relief in years!
- I have gained almost all of the weight required of me for my 8-week goal (I am 1 pound away from my first goal-weight)
- I am sleeping throughout the night, rarely waking due to pain
- I can now exercise on a stationary bike AND an elliptical
- I went from using 0-weights to now up to 10 lbs of weight-resistance during my weight-training exercises
- I can walk my dog by myself
- I can clean most of my house without feeling incredible pain afterwards
- I can do some laundry
- I have more energy lately than I have had in years
- My serotonin levels have returned to their original levels, which means that my appetite has increased, my sleep is healthier and my mood has greatly improved
- I have completely stopped taking Narcotics and Gabapentin (the two main medications that my gynecologist told me would harm a baby in my womb if and when Gage and I are ready to get pregnant)
- I have also been able to decrease additional, non-narcotic or controlled pain relievers
- I can sit through an entire church service – my stamina for sitting and standing is improving as my body is getting remarkably stronger
- I can literally see the gains that my Treatment Plan has done for me – physically, emotionally, even spiritually.

Prayer Warriors, I want to share with you an experience I had last week… This is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to my mother-in-law, Sandy, who has been one of my greatest supporters throughout this journey to healing:

Dear Sandy,
…
This week, I have been surrounded by opportunities to heal - and to learn about healing. The Women's Group that I met on Wednesday night devoted time for prayer, and I know that my healing was definitely prayed over by the girls throughout the week. Then, my friend Megan called me Saturday morning (after leaving The Journey, our church, for a women's bible study) to tell me that this weekend's service was dedicated to healing. Megan and I have talked several times about whether or not I feel comfortable requesting prayer at the alter-call at a service. Up until this past weekend, I did NOT feel comfortable with it. I can't explain why - but mostly, I can say that I was probably just scared... scared that I would draw more attention to my pain... scared that I wouldn't get better and that my pain would only test my faith... scared to draw attention to myself. That night, Gage and I went to church with not only Megan & her husband Steven, but with our across-the-street neighbors, Jen & Brandon. For some reason, my heart was beating outside of my chest throughout the entire service!

Pastor Darrin talked about the church's stance on healing - The Journey believes that miracles can still happen today, and that healing is one of many gifts that God still gives to believers. He went on to say that not everyone will be healed... Hearing that made me really, really sad. I thought about myself; I thought of my mom's best friend, Gracie (who has known me since birth and who I am very close to) who the doctors are telling us that she doesn’t have much time left here on earth before cancer takes her to heaven... I thought of Danielle's brother, Mark, a 29-year-old, who just had a bone-marrow transplant to help get rid of his cancer... I thought of your (Sandy's) knee injury... I thought of Buzz' heart attack... I thought of my friend, Tara's, back problems... I kept thinking of SO many people whom I wanted God to heal and I was overwhelmed with such SADDNESS thinking of all of the "broken" bodies out there with perfectly good hearts wanting to LIVE LIFE!

But then Pastor Darrin re-defined the need for healing today... He explained that God wants to heal his children. He taught me that I need to keep my faith that I will be healed. Pastor Darrin also taught me that I need to look at EVERY measure of recovery as a way that God has already worked to give me physical peace. He encouraged me to pray over every pill I take, every treatment I receive, every doctor or specialist who places hands on me... I agreed that was my new mission! I will pray over every aspect, pill and person in my life; I will believe that God will use them all to heal me!

After the sermon, Darrin left time for communion and there were many, many elders and prayer leaders available to pray for people who wanted to receive healing. During the sermon, Gage whispered to me that if I wanted to get prayed over, he would go with me. I was so overwhelmed by the sermon and my thoughts that all I could do was nod my head, not committing to one way or another… After communion, I didn't even think - I felt that God was leading me to the alter. Without my knowing it, Gage, Jen & Brandon followed. As I reached the prayer leader, I couldn't talk. Gage told me (later) that God spoke to him and told him that he needed to speak for me when I reached the alter. I didn't even look at Gage, he just extended his hand to the prayer leader to greet him and introduced me, saying, "This is my wife, Stephanie. She has suffered from back pain for many, many years. Last year, she had a spinal fusion surgery and it actually made her pain worse than it was before the surgery. She is currently on disability and she is in pain every day. We are believing for her healing." Before I knew it, I had pairs and pairs of hands placed on my body and I was surrounded by whispers of prayers, loved ones agreeing with the prayer that the church elder spoke aloud. I didn't even try to stop the tears that fell from my eyes, and when the prayer finally ended, I looked to see tears streaming down Jen's face, deep emotion in both Gage & Brandon's eyes and, when we got back to our seats, Megan embraced me in a huge hug, crying just as hard as I was and comforting me with her words. It was one of the most intense experiences I have ever had with the Holy Spirit!

Before that prayer session, I didn't realize myself how alone I feel in this; in my pain and in my circumstance.... I suddenly saw that I have been so caught up in my new PT Boot Camp schedule that most days, I just follow my routine and don't allow much time for either fear or, while I hate to admit it, faith...

As if that wasn't enough, Gage and I had our first Reike appointments on Sunday (the day after the healing prayer). Gage and I made an agreement on the way to the appointments that if, in any way, we felt the treatment was going "against" our Christian beliefs, we would stop our individual treatment and get the other person from his/her treatment, too. We walked into the building and both felt immediately at ease. An older couple, Evelyn and Jim, were scheduled to work on us. In my room, I explained to Evelyn that I was a Christian. I continued to say that what I knew about Reike was that it had some Buddist roots. I politely asked her if she prayed to Budda during the treatment. Before I could ask another question she raised her hands towards heaven, jumped, smiling and clapping, saying, "Honey, I AM A CHRISTIAN!' I use God's diving power and energy to reach you. I am just HIS vessel!" Her testimony really put my mind, body and spirit at ease...

The Reike was amazing! I explained to Evelyn that I, on average, can typically only lay on my back for up to 15 minutes without spasms and having to adjust my body. However, she was able to work on me for the entire 55-minute appointment without one spasm. As soon as the treatment began, I felt immediately connected to God. I went into a DEEP trance, praying in the Spirit and unaware of anything besides the healing that was taking place in my body and the peace that was granted to my mind. It was truly AMAZING!!!

The funny part was that since Saturday, Gage continued to ask me, "Are you healed yet?" "Are you healed yet?" I laughed and told him no, but with Gage's remarkable, innocent belief, I am waiting expectantly for my miracle...


Prayer Warriors, God started something new in me last week. I know, without a doubt, that God wants to heal me. I believe that what I am going through with SSD and my insurance company is the enemy trying to steal that healing from me. I will NOT stand for it and I ask that you take a stance with me!

I am working very closely with my PT Team to try to figure out a way to get authorization to continue my treatments without the two month break. My PT Team honestly told me that if I was forced to go two months without treatment, I would likely regress from all of the progress that we have seen; my body won’t just “sit and wait,” without treatment, I will, undoubtedly, get worse. I cannot physically afford to go backwards in recovery; I cannot face that pain again. However, I cannot financially afford to pay for the full cost of the PT treatments without the help of Insurance. I have come too far for something to stop my healing because of some clerical error!

Please pray that we find a way to continue my Treatment. Please pray that my healing will only continue. Please pray with me that the enemy is bound from my body and from any part of my recovery. Please believe with me that my miracle has started, and that God WILL finish the work he has started in me! If you have any words of encouragement or wisdom, please email or share them with me. I need your love and support more now than ever.

Thank you for your prayers and your love!

Being ONE

I’ve realized something the past two weeks: I don’t have a job. Technically, my PT Boot Camp is my job. I have received Long Term Disability this year so that I can have this time to spend in rehabilitation and I am using this time as “wisely” as I can. I attend at least six appointments each week: Acupuncture 3 x week, PT 2 x week and Biofeedback 1 x week – all in addition to the 2-3 exercise routines that I perform at home each day, the 1+ mile that I walk each night and the four forms I fill out every two hours of EVERY DAY… But, for some reason, well, for many reasons, it doesn’t “feel” like it is a job…

Recently, someone said to me, “Steph, you can do fill-in-the-blank; you stay at home.” The person who said that obviously did not know me very well, nor know my weekly schedule!

When working out my updated exercise schedule with my PT yesterday, she asked me how I was “emotionally” handling all of these changes. How am I handling this??? I’m conflicted. When I feel burnt-out from running to appointment to appointment, I try to motivate myself. There are those days when I feel like a lab-rat, someone who is just put into a room, poked, prodded, and talked at instead of talked to; however, a majority of the days, due to the amazing people who are on my Boot Camp Team, I am a part of a process leading to a better body and recovery. Many days, I can focus on the positives: since I added Acupuncture to my regimen, my pain levels have drastically dropped! Since I have completely weaned off of Narcotics, my pain levels have finally leveled-out! Since I have started my walking routine, I am able to walk almost a mile and a half every day! Since my Team Meeting a month ago, my endurance has drastically increased! Life is good! Right! Right???

My husband has been my hero through this entire experience. Just three weeks after Gage asked me to marry him, I threw out my back. On our 1-Year-Dating Anniversary, Gage was in the shower and I was in my bedroom; I bent over to get dressed and he could hear my scream over the sound of the running water as I fell to the ground in excruciating pain. Gage ran to me as fast as he could, helped me up and held me while we called his mom (aka Dr. Mom) to determine what to do next. Even though Gage had a day filled with romantic surprises for me, he spent the day caring for me and making sure that my body was comfortable. Back then, we never realized that that one day was just the beginning to many, MANY days where Gage would take care of me.

Even through the pain, we managed to plan our wedding. Three weeks after our wedding, my husband got up with me at five in the morning to take me to the hospital to have Spinal Fusion Surgery. On the first night of the hospital, there wasn’t an open bed in which Gage could sleep, so he found an open area on the floor in the lobby, placed a sweatshirt under his head and curled up with the vending machine illuminating the room. He refused to leave me.

We were told that I would be 100% recovered in eight weeks. As described in my Blog Summary, it has been 15 months (60 weeks) and I am still waiting for the recovery that I was promised. My hero, my husband, has never once blamed me, blamed the surgeons or wished regret for marrying a “broken” woman whom he would have to care for possibly for the rest of his life. Instead, he told me that he will always love me, always care for me and always be there for me – through sickness or health.

A few weeks ago, when reality hit me that my PT Boot Camp was my job for the next year of my life, I suddenly felt completely isolated. I came from being a Resource Teacher, where I was part of something Big; I was a part of a Team; I was surrounded by students, co-workers (and dear friends), parents and administrators – and I went to being a One-Woman Recovery Zone. Even though I see Nancy, Maureen, Dr. Julie, Mark and others every day, I am the patient and they are the professional. Even though I have cried to each of them, laughed with each of them, shared stories, even sympathy, with several of them – they are not my colleagues.

Upon this realization, Gage helped me grasp the idea that instead of referring to PT Boot Camp as my “job” – he told me to think of it as my Education. My Team Members are my Teachers and I, obviously, am the student. This philosophy has helped me separate the idea that I had co-workers and re-focus on the idea that this is my year to LEARN – about my body, about my healing and about how to turn my disability into just a part of my life, not to make it my identity.

Being the wonderful teacher that he is, Gage decided that I needed an Incentive Plan. When a Teacher has a student who struggles with motivation, there are many ways to reach that student, but the most effective approach is to: first, conduct an Inventory Assessment (what motivates the student?), then turn that information into a Plan where the Student is in control of her motivation, her actions and her rewards.

Last night, on our daily walk, Gage spent the entire walk determining what motivates me. When we got home, he hopped on his computer and created a Motivation Menu for me. He determined that my Motivation to attend each appointment would be helped by a Positive Incentive Program:

After 12 appointments, I can (pick one):
• Get a new song off of iTunes
• Pick out the movie (even a chick-flick)
• Download a new Kindle book
• Celebrate with Starbucks
• Enjoy an extra-long Back Rub

After 18 appointments, I can:
• Have a Free Day (have a day FREE of Pain Logs, Exercises, Appointments, Calorie Counting, etc.) Everyone deserves at least one day off a month, right?!?!

After 24 appointments (About 1 month of PT Boot Camp), I can (pick one):
• Enjoy a Manicure
• Relax with a Pedicure
• Shop for “something new” to fit my “new” body.

Not only did Gage spend his evening creating this amazing Motivation Menu (a "visual" in teacher-talk), every time I asked him, “Are you sure that this is okay?” or “Are you sure that I deserve these rewards?” or “If you tell me that I just need to suck-it-up and find my motivation internally, I will,” he INSISTED that since I did not have a colleague or even other “students” during this next year, HE would be my partner, my motivator, my colleague, my study-partner and he will be there by my side through it all. Our pastor recently told us, “Stephanie and Gage, you are one. If Stephanie is disabled, you, Gage, are disabled. When she hurts, you hurt.” I did not consider that Gage would take this declaration so literally and become my greatest motivation of all, but he did!

Last night, I realized that I need to change my mind about how I view this next year. I can be the student instead of the Teacher. I can make each of my appointments. I can continue on this path to healing. But most importantly, I have a husband who is my partner, my Team-Mate, my confidant, my inspiration and my HERO!

RESTORING HOPE

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all,” (Dale Carnegie).

After about a month of preparation, we finally had our Team Meeting at my Rehab Facility. Around the table sat: my regular PT, Nancy, Dr. Julie (the Facility President and my first PT), Mark (the Vice President and my Pain/Biofeedback Counselor), Gage (my husband) and myself. I came with a page filled with questions and a mountain of prayers; however, I had no clue what to expect. Even with clueless expectations, I do not think that anything could have prepared me for what happened next…

Nancy sat to my left and passed out two pages to the Team: one was an Agenda and the other was a list of six goals for me to accomplish over the next eight weeks. As we discussed each point, Gage sat to my right, intensely taking notes. I went into the meeting hoping for clarification more than anything. The summer had led the Team (including me) to a stalemate and, mostly, I wanted to know: who was In Charge of me (aka my Case Manager), what were my Treatment Goals and how would my Treatment Plan be reevaluated to show whether I was making progress? Needless to say, I received much more than a little clarification at the meeting; what Nancy and the Team handed me was the Ultimate Plan for Extreme Recovery.

We easily soared through the clarifying questions. Nancy will assume the role as my Case Manager, as she sees me twice weekly; however, Julie will see me every-other-month to conduct an FCE (Functional Capacity Evaluation) in which she will administer the first one in a week to gather baseline data and then compare each FCE that follows against the first, and previous, to monitor progress. (As the former Data Team Leader at my old job, this information was music to my ears!)

Additionally, I was told that I would be required:
- To keep a Pain Log that recorded my activity and pain level EVERY TWO HOURS. I am to log this information daily for the next four weeks. The Team explained that by doing this log, I will be helping them determine the function of my pain, my triggers, and my levels of endurance (and pain) during activities.
- To keep an Exercise Log that will hold me accountable to complete the given PT exercises daily to ensure that I am adhering to the Treatment Plan outside of the Rehab Facility.
- To gain 5 lbs over the next eight weeks; to do so, I am required to keep a Food Log and show it to Nancy every few days so that she can see that not only am I eating more calories each day, but that the calories are coming from healthy foods. The Team explained to me that I am very much underweight and this is a detriment to the Treatment Plan. Right now, my body is “eating my muscle for energy, as I have no fat left for it to use.” This is extremely counter-productive, as the purpose of treatment is to GAIN MUSCLE; without it, my body will not be able to rehabilitate.
- Starting October, I will be adding weekly Biofeedback Therapy to my regimen. Mark would like to teach me to better recognize my muscle-activity and how to control the over-use of muscles; he will also use these strategies to instruct me in multiple ways to manage my pain without medication.

I agreed to the above logs & Biofeedback, even though I knew that they would take some time to get used to completing them and to stick to their guidelines; then Nancy proceeded with some tremendous expectations:
- In addition to my PT exercises at home, I am to start adding extra exercises to my list while I am at the Rehab Facility. I will start next week by going to the Facility early and riding on the stationary bike for 10 minutes prior to my PT appointments. However, the Team would like for me to constantly add-on to these extra exercise; they want me to build-up to coming to the facility daily to do these additional exercises, and each week, they would like to add to the exercises. (To break this down, in addition to my 3 sets of at-home PT exercises, which take a total of 45 minutes daily to accomplish, and the 1 mile each day that I am currently walking, I will also be working-out at the Rehab Facility several times each week, if not daily, possibly working out up to 2 hours each day).
- (LONG-TERM GOAL:) Following the above program, by THIS SPRING or THIS SUMMER, the Team would like to see me spending 2-4 HOURS EACH DAY at the Facility (in addition to my PT appointments and at-home exercise plan). They explained to me that it would be like a simulated Vocational-Rehabilitation program, for how can they accurately determine my stamina for returning to the workplace if they do not see how much I can endure on a daily basis?

The last two parts of the program were the most overwhelming to me for many reasons. First, I have been told my so many physicians and surgeons that I would NOT be able to return to work NOR would I “get better” that it is enormously difficult to imagine that my tired, aching body would actually be able to attain such lofty goals. Second, THEY BELIEVED IN ME! The Team continued to believe in me even when I gave up on myself. I did not think that I would EVER be able to put in that much effort into a day’s span ever again, but The Team believes that I can – and they are willing to work very hard with me every step of the way to see that progress is made and that rehabilitation will be a reality for me. Yes, it will take a considerable amount of time and effort on my part, not to mention dedication and a severe mind-shift; and no, 2-4 hours each day is not full-time, but it is at least a start. This is the start of the rest of my life…

When Gage and I returned home after the meeting, I was still in shock. I was still in the “I cannot possibly do ALL of those things” phase. However, Gage showed me another side – he said that the meeting gave him hope. He said that hearing their goals for me made him believe that I could achieve them, that I could get at least “a little better” than I am now. Gage promised to help me every step of the way, even if it meant helping out more around the house if I put in a “long day” at the Facility, exercising at home with me when I had to do my daily routines and sacrificing financially so that I can attend all of the PT appointments ahead; Gage even signed up to the online Fitness Website that I found to log my daily calories so that I didn’t feel like I was “all alone” in my tasks.

With so many people believing in me, it’s hard not to start having faith in myself, too! Most importantly, I was reminded that God hadn’t forgotten me. For so long, I had felt left behind… I had felt as if all of my faith had gotten me “nowhere” and that I was a “broken” human being. Yesterday, with so much hope surrounding me, I was reminded that God has a plan for everyone – and he will use anyone he can to carry his plan out.

Nancy’s exact goals for the next eight weeks for me are:
1. Stephanie will be consistent with keeping a daily pain log to monitor pain and activities.
2. Stephanie will be independent in her home exercise program, completing her exercises three times a day.
3. Stephanie will have a good understanding and show good judgment with pacing activities and have a good activity to rest balance.
4. Stephanie will be independent in her nutrition and have a caloric intake of 2000-2400 calories/day for adequate weight gain of 5lbs.
5. Stephanie will understand the importance of adequate sleep for a good rehab potential and get at least 8 hours (8-10) of sleep per night.
6. Stephanie will be independent with an exercise program at The Facility that she initially performs before or after therapy, with time increasing as she tolerates and therapist determines.

Friends, loved ones, believers, please pray with me that I will accomplish these goals. Right now, more than ever, I need your strength and encouragement. Thank you for not giving up on me; thank you for your hope.

Sweet Dreams

Last night, I had a dream… It was as dreams are, fuzzy and out-of-sequence. I was at a hospital and I realized that I was on a waiting list. The list was short, and I was anxiously praying that my name was the next to be called. One name rang from a nurse’s mouth and a woman rose from her chair and disappeared from the room. I noticed my heart beating faster. Another name was called and again, a woman arose and was gone. I was heart-broken…

Next, my dream took me, floating, in an operating room and hovering along the ceiling. Three bodies lay on surgical beds, draped in paper sheets and surrounded by monitors and people in scrubs. The body in the middle was new; she was not on the waiting list. She was a car-crash survivor, although she was barely surviving. The two bodies on either side of her were the two women from the Waiting Room. As I drifted above them, I realized that each woman was undergoing back surgery. The survivor was receiving parts of spine from the other two women; however, at the end of the surgery, all three women were healed. All three women were better. But not me… My name was not called. I was still in pain…

* * * * * *
This dream could be analyzed to pieces; however, there were two distinct things that I realized when I awoke, breathing heavy and heart beating out of my chest. The first was that I dreamt that I was in pain. This was highly unusual for me. Even though I threw my back out over two years ago (being partially crippled since then), my dreams are my escape. In my dreams, I can run, I can play tennis, I can do anything you can do…. And, I am NEVER in pain. Secondly, I awoke sad, really, really sad…

* * * * * *

To bring you up to speed, instead of returning to duty on Monday, August 8th, with the rest of my Special Education colleagues, I had finally gotten an appointment with one of the (other) top spinal surgeons in the nation. This surgeon was referred to me by Dr. Julie. It was her very strong recommendation that I get a second opinion regarding my fusion. Dr. Julie wanted the Fusion OUT; she felt that it was “too restrictive” and that if removed, she could manually manipulate my body through strenuous Physical Therapy and exercises and, hopefully, decrease the pain the I felt every second of every day.

My “bargain” with Dr. Julie was that, if I was granted Medical Disability, I would get a second opinion from HER Surgeon (aka “The Surgeon with the Heart”) and consider another surgery. I never break a promise.

Because I work with several people in Dr. Julie’s office, I regularly update each of them on my current progress, needs, pains, improvements and status. The following is the email that I sent them after my appointment:

Hello Wonderful Team!

I know that we briefly chatted yesterday, but I wanted to give you the official "low-down" about how my appointment with The Surgeon-2 went on Monday (August 8th).

Dr. Julie, as always, you were right - he was "a surgeon with a heart!" Gage couldn't get there until 3:30 pm, so The Surgeon-2 extended his office hours (by 30 min) to see us, and we never once felt rushed out the door!

X-Ray Review: Surgeon-2 agreed with Surgeon-1 that the Spinal Fusion looked "solid and secure" and that it appeared as if the fusion "took." He said that, according to the x-ray, the surgery was successful. He also said that the bone around the fusion did appear to be growing, so with or without the "hardware" the fusion had "taken;" therefore, was permanent.

The Screws: Gage and I explained to Surgeon-2 that we were unaware that I was getting "additional" screws in my body (in addition to the fusion) and asked him about them. Surgeon-2 explained that there are two ways in which a surgeon can "go in" for Spinal Fusion Surgery: through the front (stomach) and through the back (spine). Surgeon-1 chose to go in through the back because "biologically, it made more sense to use this approach." According to Surgeon-2, when doing a Spinal Fusion through the back, Surgeon-1 has been a "leading surgeon" to promote and implement adding the iliac screws. Surgeon-2 further explained that the iliac screws were designed to support the S-1 part of my spine. He said that, mechanically and structurally, I needed the screws to support the Fusion and that if they were to be taken out, the Fusion would not be supported and it would likely lead to dangerous problems.

Can the Hardware be Removed? Yes it can, but Surgeon-2 highly did NOT recommend doing so; Surgeon-2 also informed us that Surgeon-1 had written a paper on the dangers/risks of removing any hardware after a Spinal Fusion has been done on a patient. Furthermore, Surgeon-2 explained that "even if I were to remove the rods & screws, because the fusion was a 'success' and the bone-growth has occurred, the fusion itself would still be set; therefore, I would still be Fused." He explained that the Extreme Case would be for him to remove ALL of the hardware AND "break" my back to "start over" - but he would NEVER do that; it is too painful and the risks are too great.

After a physical exam, Surgeon-2 explained that the only thing he would even consider taking out was the right iliac screw IF it were protruding from my back and very tender/painful to the touch. It is not; therefore, he would not do the procedure.

Other Surgical Options? Surgeon-2 told us that he does not feel that there are any other surgical options for me. He spent a lot of time reviewing Surgeon-1’s notes. He saw all of the non-invasive and invasive treatments that I had tried prior to surgery, including the discogram. Surgeon-2 explained that the discogram clearly showed that the discs that were "likely causing the pain" were the L-4 & L-5 and that he supported Surgeon-2’s decision to proceed with the fusion. Unfortunately, it did not reduce my pain; it actually increased it.

Why do I have pain? Surgeon-2 does not know... We discussed my scoliosis. He explained to us that because I have a rotated spine, my muscles and bones are rotated, too; however, he does not think that this "should" cause me pain. Surgeon-2 explained that just because someone has scoliosis (or Degenerative Disc Disease), does not mean that they are in pain - even though I have both and I am in pain.

I then told Surgeon-2 about "the knot" (the notorious trigger that you all know about on my left back/side); he examined it and said that he thought it was just "rotated muscle" and that it "should not be causing pain." I told him that it (the trigger) is, to me, the greatest area where I feel pain, yet he did not have an explanation as to why...

Non-Surgical Options: Surgeon-2 and I discussed my current Physical Therapy & Pain Management Treatments. I explained to him, as best as I could, that Dr. Julie wanted me to see Surgeon-2 to look at Plan A & Plan B.

Plan A: Have another surgery to remove the hardware and then work with PTs for rehab.

Plan B: If surgery was NOT an option, Dr. Julie & The Team would help me "re-wire" my body (muscles and nerves) to reduce the muscles that are over-compensating for the muscles that are, for some reason, not working hard enough.

Surgeon-2 said to go for Plan B and to focus on Physical Therapy and Rehabilitation.

What about the pain? Surgeon-2 did not deny that there was a lot going on with my back and that, unfortunately, I am in a great deal of pain - even more now than before I had the Fusion Surgery; however, he did not have any answers as to The Source of the pain. He told me that I need to "learn how much (physically) my body can handle and then learn how to live with the pain."

Now What??? Team, I need you now more than ever! I am discouraged and I need reassurance - I cannot live the rest of my life "getting by" and in this much pain! I believe that, with all of the great minds working together at this office, you CAN help re-train my body to help me find a New Normal. I promise to put in the work - I just need your dedication to create a Treatment Plan for us all to follow....

Mark (Pain & Biofeedback Counselor) and I talked about creating a Treatment Plan that would help me physically and mentally throughout this process. I have discussed this plan with Dr. Julie and the other PTs. Yesterday, my regular PT, N, said that she would meet with you two (Mark and Dr. Julie) to discuss this further. I am anxiously awaiting your thoughts!

Please let me know if you have any questions about the information that I have given you. I will also try to get a copy of the dictated notes from Surgeon-2 to share with you. You are a wonderful Team of people - thank you for dedicating yourselves to helping give me the hope that one day I will have less pain and live a somewhat-normal life!

Thank you!
~Steph

* * * * *

My appointment with Surgeon-2 was “bitter-sweet” (as my husband called it). Sweet: because I was absolutely terrified at the thought of having another surgery. We now know that surgery is not an option; therefore, hopefully, Dr. Julie & the Dream Team can create a plan to rehabilitate me without a knife… Bitter: because I have seen two of the TOP Surgeons in the nation (literally, thanks to many strings being pulled in my favor) and yet neither of them have any clue why I am in so much pain or the source of the pain itself.

Thankfully, my Dream Team is not giving up. We have a Team Meeting (my 2 PTs, Mark, Gage and I) in a few weeks where we will create and discuss expectations, goals and a Treatment Plan. Additionally, N and I have a new PT plan to “tide us over” in which I have a daily, rigid regimen of exercise, stretching, massage & a short walk (along with additional physical activity) to complete in addition to going to the office twice each week for myofascial release.

* * * * * *
Before last night, I thought that I was “okay” with not having surgery again… Am I? Is some part of me desperately seeking a quick-fix? Do I fear that I will “never get better?” I guess I’ll just have to continue to put my faith in God, in His Plan, and see where it leads me… Sweet Dreams…

It Comes in Threes...

The past two months have literally been a blur and it is difficult to know where to begin… Most importantly, I apologize for not writing sooner. I appreciate more than anything those who read this blog, who pray for me and who support and encourage me through this battle I have fought for way too long. I recently learned that my journey has been helping an old friend’s mother who has been dealing with her own fight with physical pain. I told Gage when I first began this blog that if I helped at least one person, my purpose for taking the time to share my story would be complete… I hope that my journey somehow, someway helps you as much as your support has helped me!

I ended the school year with packed-boxes and tear-filled good-byes. I could not (and, technically, still cannot) announce that I am “officially” not returning to work next year until the paperwork through the school district goes through. I have given my personal contact information to those parents whom I have been a part of their lives for at least the last three years, helping them diagnose their child with a disability and then teaching them that special education is merely a new way of life (just as I have learned with my physical disability). Despite all of my efforts to fast-track the Human Resources process, the HR Department has a rule that I cannot apply for a Long-Term Leave of Absence until 30 days prior to the next school year. The process continues…

On the other hand, I have received official word that my Long Term Disability has been approved – Praise God! I have to admit, I was terrified that it would not… Friends who have had family members with serious health problems filled my head with horror stories of having to “fight the system” and were refused Disability the first (or more) times in which they applied. I thought to myself time and time again, “why would I be any different?” However, I was approved the first time I applied! And, not only was I approved, but the woman who handled my case at the Disability office knew of my Intermittent, Short-Term FMLA leave and was able to BACK-DATE my disability so that I am able to receive some compensation for the days that I missed work yet went without pay. When I learned this, I realized that those days that Gage and I spent hunched over the budget, digging deeper and deeper into our savings to “make-up” for all of the days that I HAD to take off of work would be over… God was providing for us!

The provision didn’t stop there, however! Another thorn in our side for the last 14 months was our empty, Kirkwood house. The house had been on the market since the month before Gage and I were married in 2010. In those 14 months, we only had one nibble from a buyer (who, obviously, did not buy the house). As each month passed, Gage and I asked ourselves and prayed to God that either a buyer would come our way or that God would grant us the wisdom as to make a decision as to what moves to make regarding the house. We considered taking out another loan and adding an upstairs to the house (which is barely 700 square-feet and is half of the size of the home we currently rent). Knowing that Gage and I want to “expand” our family as soon as I am able, we strongly believed that living in that house (in the condition it was in) was not an option for us. After researching the cost of construction and weighing our options, we also realized that no matter what we did to add to the house, it would never be our Dream Home. Furthermore, we also realized that we could not afford to let the house “sit” empty in Kirkwood any longer; however, the idea of being a Landlord was not something that interested Gage nor I… Despite our reservations, we finally felt that our last and only option was to rent the house. Thankfully, both Gage and I have dear friends, Nick and Danielle, who are in the “business.” Both Nick and Danielle took the time to walk us through the process and help reassure us that not only would this be a strong investment for us, but it will not be the terror we anticipated. After two weeks on Craigslist, we finally found the perfect person to live in the house and to take the burden of those mortgage payments off of our shoulders. More Praise!!!

They say that “bad things come in threes;” however, I believe that God knew that I needed a miracle – and I needed it BAD! In the time-span of less than one week, we had three wonderful things happen in our life: I received approval from Guardian, we rented our Kirkwood House and we began to start a “new life” with our family members and friends, thanks to the freedom of less-work (aka “less stress).

Even though things are looking much brighter, I admit, I did face a few physical battles to face along the way…

About one week after school finished for the year, I began noticing abnormal numbness in both of my arms as I slept. The numbness was isolated from my shoulders to my fingertips and, at first, they felt like my hands were “asleep.” Unfortunately, the strange condition only got worse. Within a week, the numbness had turned into stabbing pain. And, my two Physical Therapists (whom I turn to for everything) were both on vacation. Despite the efforts of my substitute PT, she actually threw my back out in an effort to try to help me with my new problem-areas. At that point, I had gone three weeks getting barely any sleep and the numbness/stabbing pain was also happening during the day as well as throughout the night. I had to forfeit PT for three weeks and make an emergency appointment with my Primary Physician to further investigate the pain and seek relief.

Fortunately, I have the highest regard for my Primary doctor and he helped both calm my fears and treat the problem. According to him, I have a pressed nerve in my neck which is causing the problems with my arms at night. After pin-pointing the nerve (C7), the Doc then ran a series of strength and neurological tests on me and determined that the problem (pain and pinching) should decrease within the next six weeks. To help with the pain, he prescribed a very specific nerve medication (to be taken at bedtime) and told me to check back with him in about a month. Within a few days, I was already sleeping more and more throughout the night and, thankfully, I have slept throughout the entire night for the past three evenings.

I admit, I was very worried when these new symptoms (and the new pain) started showing its ugly face. I could not imagine life with yet another physical problem! Nor, could I continue with the sleeplessness pattern that was developing. As with my back and hip pain, the more arm-pain I endured throughout the night, the less I slept. The less I slept, the less serotonin that my body created. The less serotonin, the more agitated I became and the less I was able to eat. I found myself terrified and trapped in the same vicious cycle that I finally felt I had finally overcome months before! I cannot be more thankful for the quick and precise resolve I received from my Primary doctor!

I have my first Physical Therapy appointment with my “regular” therapist this afternoon and my back cannot wait – three weeks without my PT has wreaked havoc on my back! Even though I knew that I had to prioritize my pain and treatment, I have had to suffer from massive knots in my left side, throbbing pain in my left hip and aches in my left oblique. My poor husband has had to extend his daily massages from 45 minutes to, some days, up to two hours (due to the extent of the myofascial pain in each area – in addition to neck and shoulder massages before bed to help relieve the pressure from the pinched nerve). We are both praying that after today’s PT appointment, he can take a break from “treatments” – at least for today!

Regardless of the pain and new problems, there have been some physical positives to my time off of work! I have increased my exercises that I do at home (at least 30 minutes of core-training, hip rotation and multiple stretches) daily – and I have even added a small amount of hydrotherapy to the regimen (and am looking into acupuncture – if I can afford it)! One of the exercises that I have missed the most has been walking with Gage and Lady around our neighborhood. I have finally gotten permission to add a VERY small amount of walking to my routine. Unfortunately for Gage, due to the hot weather, most of these walks have taken place at our local Target (but I think he secretly enjoys them – he did get a new summer wardrobe out of the deal ). Additionally, before she left for vacation, I had a special appointment with Dr. Julie who told me, “Steph, when I first saw you in January, I honestly only thought that we could get you to recover 50% AT BEST. However, I was wrong. Having not worked directly with you for three months, I can step back and truly see your progress. Your trigger spots are much smaller; your sensitivity has decreased; your stamina is much greater than I anticipated and your fluidity & mobility are impressive. I firmly believe that with this year off to recover and rehabilitate, you can and WILL get better.” Just to clarify, Dr. Julie further explained that “better” did not mean maintenance-free for the rest of my life; better can be defined as: one day, I will be off of daily pain medication, I will not require physical therapy daily at home and twice weekly at the Rehab Center, I may not be running marathons but, hopefully, I’ll be able to run across the street… Physical maintenance will always be a part of my vocabulary, physical restraints and (some) limitations may be an intermittent part of my life, but, one day, I will live a life that is not Pain-Centered.

Thankfully, and I believe with all of my heart that it is God’s doing, I am getting better! I also am grateful that, along with the process of healing, I am gaining a LIFE back. In the past four weeks since school has been out, Gage and I have: joined a church (weekly) Community Group, seen his family & mine several times, spent time with friends (both as double-dates and on our own), gone on a few dates of our own, we have planted a vegetable and flower garden (also winning the Turner Tomato Contest of the Year), I have finished a scrapbook and, most importantly, Gage and I are in the process of working with both my counselor and a marriage counselor on finding a “New Normal” for our life – one that meets my physical needs as well as BOTH of our emotional needs for a balanced well-being and marriage.

For now, the Journey to recovery continues… And even though I have had a few minor set-backs, I feel like I am, day –by-day, gaining a sense of “life” back.

Oh, the Places I Didn’t Go…

We’ve all read Dr. Suess’ book, “Oh, the places you’ll go,” right? Well, unfortunately, this year, Gage and I have started to take inventory of ALL of the places we have been unable to journey, due to my physical condition…

To bring the crowd up to speed, I have now received the official classification of Failed Back Syndrome. I am not sure what this means, I just know that it is the label placed under the Diagnosis portion of my Long Term Disability paperwork completed by my Medical Team last month when we finished the first round of forms (in which we are still waiting approval).

Failed Back Syndrome does not mean that I am still not a Chronic Pain Patient. It does not mean that my Scoliosis has been cured, that my pelvis is now even, that my Degenerative Disc Disease has disappeared, that my legs are now the same lengths or that my left hip is not still sprained… It is merely the new-and-improved brand to my ever-regressing body.

Months ago, Dr. Mark (my Biodfeedback Specialist and Pain Counselor) expressed to me the urgency of grieving all that I have to, for now, let go. Dr. Mark required me to live in the NOW. He wanted – he still wants – for me to have hope in the future, but to not set myself up for disappointment by expecting things of myself or my body that is absolutely, physically impossible. What is on the Don’t Do List?

Oh, Steph, Don’t Go THERE… I cannot:
- Bend or lean forward beyond a 30-degree angle
- Push, pull, carry or lift anything weighing more than 5-10 lbs
- Sit for more than 30 minutes
- Stand for more than 30 minutes
- Go up or down stairs
- Walk, run, jog, or ride a bike
- Exercise (beyond the few PT exercises and stretches allowed)
- When I am sitting, I must have lumbar support, arm/side-support, a cushion under my bottom and a foot stool because my knees are to be at an angle higher than my hips; when necessary, I am only to cross my right leg over my left and I am NOT to lean-in to one side of the chair or the other.
- When standing, I must wear certified tennis shoes with a heal-lift in my left leg; when available, I can lean on a wall for support; however, I cannot lean forward, for that will negate the “do not bend forward” rule.
- When lying down, I must have a pillow under my neck, support pillows (or sensory input materials) on both sides of my body, a pillow under my knees when lying on my back or a pillow between my legs and under the curve of my side while lying on my back; additionally, I was told that I’d “be better off sleeping with a knife in my chest than laying on my belly” at night. Hmmm….
- If I must climb a stairwell, I have to use the handrail and absolutely NO skipping of steps (duh!).
- I cannot go even 1 day without PT – I can receive such therapy from either my Specialist or my husband, whom has attended several therapy sessions and whom my Physical Therapists have taught to manipulate my body “enough” to get me to the next session.
- Close your eyes folks, because I even have a pamphlet of how to “be” with my husband without breaking any of the above or doctor’s prescribed rules.
- If I must walk, it needs be on smooth land, preferably pavement or concrete.
- I must stay-in and rest on a work-night, no exceptions.
- My body requires hours and hours of sleep each night.
- I am required to spend my FMLA days seeking relaxation, NOT finishing up school paperwork, picking up the house, helping with dinner or doing the dishes.
- Traveling has not yet been an option.
- If I do attend a social function – or leave the house – I must continue to adhere to my rules, regardless of the place or people and my aptitude usually expires after about only four hours (upon which I turn into a pumpkin and must be carried home before I break more than my glass slipper).

How is one supposed to survive under such critical stipulations? In my case, I have had to learn to say no…

This year, I Just-Said-No to:
- My 30th Birthday was the first year I was unable to see my parents on the actual day I was born because it was my first day back to work and I was in so much pain we had to cancel my big birthday dinner.
- Gage and I had to stop attending church every week because the sitting in a two-hour service was too difficult on my disabled and rule-bound body.
- My doctor restricted me to a 3-day work week, and would have decreased it even more if it were possible to do so without the fear of me losing my job.
- We could not travel to North Carolina this New Year’s Eve to visit my in-laws, as per our new tradition.
- I did not see my mother on Mother’s Day because my doctor told me that it was too dangerous for me to attend a parade.
- I had to stop meeting with my Women’s Group and my Accountability Partner on a regular, scheduled basis because my body grew too tired to keep up with any sort of an after-work life.
- I could not attend my best friend’s Winery Birthday Bash because the location was about an hour away and that was considered “traveling.”
- Spontaneous plans are not an option, for there is too much prep-work involved in getting my body ready for even just a short visit with friends.
- We made it to one nephew’s baptism but couldn’t stay for the brunch; we had to miss another nephew’s baptism but made it to the after-party.
- I missed my dear friend’s wedding last August because my doctor did not release me to travel so soon after surgery.
- I have missed the Turner Annual Float Trip three years in a row.
- I have missed seeing my family on almost every one of their actual Birthday’s (per custom) this year because each date happened to fall on a weeknight.
- I could not attend a former student’s (and someone very, very dear to my heart) funeral because I was in too much pain after attending the visitation the day before.
- Gage and I had to start saying “no” to Sunday Dinner at the Dodson’s.
- I gave up my ticket to the Fox Theatre last December because I was not able to sit for that long in those theatre seats.
- Gage and I had to miss Christmas Day with our families because I “over-did-it” hosting Christmas Eve at our house the night before.
- I was unable to travel to my Nona and Papa’s house for their Holiday at the Lake party.
- Date-Night at the Dodson House actually means Blockbuster and take-out, served on the couch and in pajamas.
- We stopped going to the movies unless it was an afternoon show (aka vacant) where I could bring a pillow and literally lay across a row of seats.
- The list is endless…. Baby showers, game-nights with friends, coffee with the girls, shopping with my sister, annual winery trips, graduation parties, birthday parties, double-dates… I’ve missed them all…
- This year, I have sat at home, alone, many-a-nights while my husband attended house-warming parties, Birthday gatherings, Men’s Group Meetings and family dinners without me because these events fell on my “no” nights…

I am not a woman who comes from a place of NO… However, to protect my body, I have had to adhere to these stern restrictions. What happens if I “break” one of the rules? PAIN. STOMACH-CHURNING, GUT-WRENCHING, BODY-THROBBING, TAKE-ME-TO-THE-HOSPITAL PAIN…

Unfortunately, not everyone in my life has been understanding of my limitations. Some people are in denial. Some do not grasp the magnitude of my situation. Some prefer to pressure their own agendas, perhaps to see if I can be swayed or even, dare I say, bullied into committing to an attendance even though my doctors have advised otherwise…

Recently, someone close to us expressed to Gage, who regretfully denied an invitation on our behalf, that he was “enabling” me. Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines enabling as “to make possible, practical, or easy,” (2011). Looking at this definition, one could assume that this person meant that Gage was trying to make my currently, physically-limited life less, well… limited. One could suppose that this person wanted Gage to allow his wife to live a somewhat-capable life even though her body was constricted. One could even presume that this person admired Gage’s commitment to the “for better or worse” part of his vows and respected Gage’s selflessness in such an inconvenient and suppressed situation. This person, however, did not describe Gage in such an endearing way…

To honor both my husband and the person whom claimed Gage to be my Enabler, I immediately discussed the accusation with two of the Specialists on my Medical Team. I had never thought myself one to take advantage of others, nor had I believed myself to hibernate from a social life. However, hoping that that charge against my husband came from a place of love, I investigated its claim with those who have been working both with me and on my body for the past seven months.

Upon hearing my concern, my primary doctor replied, “The attitude expressed by that person is one that I have to deal with on a regular basis,” she began, “As I said, this is an attitude – one in which many, many people have toward patients and people with chronic pain…. The issues here are complex and difficult. It is sadly common for health care providers (and others) to discount pain, and even more common to discount chronic pain.

By definition, chronic pain is that which has outlived its usefulness as a signal of tissue damage. Chronicity creates more pain and actually changes the physical structure of the ascending pain pathways which alters the endogenous pain modulation system (the system that helps you manage your own pain). Unfortunately, currently, we are not smart enough to measure this, so even more unfortunately, many physicians think that if they do not know what the source of the pain is, that it must not actually exist.

This is a problem with the limitations of medicine. Then, if you cannot measure it, and you cannot effectively treat it, it becomes much easier to deny its existence or to "blame the patient" which is what it sounds like the person in your life is doing.

There are a number of studies about this. One found that the higher the pain-scale rating the patient reports, the less likely they are to be believed, and the higher you go on the medical 'food chain’ (surgeon versus therapist) the less likely the patient is to be believed, even in light of a known, extremely painful condition (this is why cancer pain is so under-treated). This makes it very difficult for other-treating professionals (like physical therapists or other specialists) to effectively treat patients – and it is devastating for the sufferer. Furthermore, it is unfortunately not uncommon for those that are trying to support the patient to be labeled Enablers,” the doctor explained to Gage and I.

When I then asked my doctor what the most appropriate reaction to such an accusation would be, she explained, “What might be more helpful to you is to deal with the reality of this; to do so, you are going to have to find those who are supportive and to try not to expect much out of those who are, for some reason, not. I understand that this is not fair – and is very difficult – but it is the sad reality. I wish that I could offer you something more helpful, but my experience with this is consistent. My job is to help you as much as I am able, to help you get your needs met within a sometimes hostile medical environment.... this is why I want you to write about your experience. The system is very broken, to the detriment of decent patient care…”

Even though Gage and I were validated by my brutally honest Team of Medical Advisors, our hearts still ached… There is someone, possibly more people, in our lives who do not only understand the physical pain in which I endure every day, but who deny its existence and; therefore, disagree with the way in which Gage and I are advised to manage our circumstances.

Gage, my beloved husband, lives with me daily and only understands pieces of my pain; however, he never denies its existence nor does he deny me help, patience or kindness. As a Christian woman, I have learned that I cannot make others believe in God as I do – for that takes individual faith that only comes from the Lord and from within. I just wonder what it will take for those important people who are in our lives to believe in Gage and I enough to not just walk away from us during this desperate time of need, but to stand by our side through it all…

An Unfinished Work…

I have been down this road before… many a times, actually. I like to think that God has a “flare for the dramatic,” and as cliché as that sounds, it is the honest truth behind this thought. I have been the girl to hit rock bottom and then, through trial and tribulation, found myself looking down, years later, from a breathtaking view upon a mountain top… I have been the poster child and I have been the instigator, and each time I have been surprised by what God “really” had in store for me—and then I became a true believer in the verse, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps,” (Proverbs 16:9)


* * * *

My journey towards teaching had been long and grueling. In my last year at college (The University of Missouri-Columbia, aka “Mizzou”), I discovered my true passion. Unfortunately, it was in something other than my major of Communications/Marketing/Management. I had accepted a job as a substitute teacher for Columbia Public Schools while I attended Mizzou and, consequentially, discovered that I had an unmistakable enthusiasm for students and learning. Even though I had spent four years working to become the next-big Advertising Executive, I began looking more forward to the days I spent in the classroom than the internships I held at the Columbia radio station or hours I spent preparing for Marketing pitches.

After I graduated from Mizzou, due to my ability to flexibly work with a multitude of teachers and students, I was offered a Teacher’s Assistant position with the CPS in a Summer School Special Education classroom. Once summer school ended, I, regrettably, moved back to St. Louis; however, within months from graduation I moved back in with my parents, signed up for Teacher’s Education classes at The University of Missouri-Saint Louis (aka “UMSL”) and began the journey towards my God-given destiny: Special Education.

When I started taking classes at UMSL, I was told that I could earn a Teaching Certification for Special Education in a little over a year. However, as I completed each course, I suddenly realized that the Program Completion list grew longer and longer. I talked to the Dean of Education regarding the matter and learned that, even though I had started my Program before UMSL had made its changes to the Certification Syllabus, I was not grand-fathered into my pre-existing commitment. I learned that I a year-long internship had been added to the Program. Despite its deterrence, I agreed to continue with my Plan. As I dove deeper into the Program, I also discovered that if I agreed to take two additional classes over the summer, I would earn a second Bachelor’s Degree. Being that I never did anything half-way, I stayed with the Program; I completed all of the courses, I earned straight A’s and I decided that the second Degree, along with a second Teaching Certification (one in Special Education and another in Elementary Education) was my new mission.

During the first two years that I spent at UMSL, I worked full-time at a bank while taking full-time classes at night. However, as I entered the final year of my teaching degree, I was one of the few, fortunate college students who was hired by a school district and could spend all of those “required” Student-Teaching hours in the classroom, earning a paycheck while earning my degree. I was a teacher’s assistant at a Ferguson-Florissant elementary school and I could whole-heartedly say that I loved my job! Nonetheless, as I finished my final projects, completed my portfolio and waited patiently for graduation, I began the quest for a “real” teaching position.

During the last month of the school year, my supervising teacher, Christy, became engaged—to a man who lived in Ohio. She informed me that she would not be returning to school the following year and that she had already discussed the situation with her superior. She then told me that the (teaching) position was mine if I were interested. “Yes!” I exclaimed. Unfortunately, almost as soon as the words escaped my lips she decided to stay in St. Louis for the year leading up to her wedding; hence, she would be keeping her job. I could; however, remain her assistant for an additional year, then accept her position the following school year.

During that same month, I incidentally had to have surgery on my foot for an injury that I endured while running. I began to weigh my options:

I could keep my job as an assistant and continue to have health insurance as I healed from the surgery...

I could find a teaching job within Special School District (SSD) and my insurance benefits would transfer with me...

Or, I could apply for a teaching position outside of the district and go without insurance for 90 days…

I kept all options open and prayed that God would lead me to my fate.

Weeks passed, then months, and before long I had been on several interviews but I had not accepted nor received any “worthwhile” teaching positions. I was panicked! Summer was coming to an end and Christy wanted to know my intentions for the upcoming school year. Having worked for the district for several years, she knew that it was very likely I would receive a job offer after the school year began—which would leave her without an assistant. A highly-qualified candidate (who had a Master’s Degree in teaching) was interested in my assistant-position, yet was not eligible until I resigned, and would not be available if I waited to resign after the school year started because she was also wanted at several schools. It was quickly becoming decision-time, yet I did not have a solution—or even a compromise for the situation!

I had been in contact with the Human Resources department for SSD and explained my case to the Director of HR. She advised me to keep my assistant position—for the health insurance—and to quit when they could match me with an appropriate teaching position, even if that meant quitting my job as an assistant after the school year began. She did not seem to care that I would be leaving Christy – the woman who taught me everything she new about teaching, sacrificed personal time to help me with my college assignments and mentored me throughout the entire past year – in a compromised position if I committed to a year as her assistant, knowing that I would leave as soon as I found my “bigger and better” teaching job.

On Tuesday, I was informed that I had to make my decision by Friday. On Friday I hand-delivered my letter of resignation to the HR Director. Without opening the envelope, she said, “Stephanie, I cannot believe that you made this decision.” I remained silent. “Do you have a minute?” She asked me. “Yes,” I said. “Can you wait out in the hall while I make a phone call?” I nodded. As I sat on the uncomfortable chair just outside her office I had no idea what this woman was thinking. “Stephanie, you can come in,” she called to me from behind her desk. “I called an Area Coordinator in the Webster Groves School District and left her a message to call you for an interview. Hopefully she hasn’t filled the position.” I thanked her for making the phone call and began to make my exit when the director of Human Resources said to me, “And Stephanie,” I turned to face her, “I really admire your decision.”

I then knew that my career was out of my hands, so I graciously handed it over to God. “Lord, you put this passion for teaching inside of me. You inspired and willed me to go back to college for another three years—earning two Teaching Certifications and even working at the Ferguson-Florissant Elementary school. I know that this is Your Will, and I know that You will not leave anything un-finished that You have started. God, I give this entire situation to you….”

The next morning, on a Saturday, I received a phone call from the Webster Groves Area Coordinator. “Can you come in for an interview on Monday?” she asked me. “Yes,” I said immediately, not even asking when or where the interview was to be held.

After the interview, I could not contain myself; I wanted the position so badly! Bristol Elementary School needed a Special Education Resource Teacher. I knew that Webster Groves was a coveted school district for one to be employed. I also knew that a Resource Teacher position was one in which a teacher usually had to “due her time” in other, more “challenging” classrooms to earn. I also knew that the odds were against me, being a first-year teacher far from the South County area. However, my car had not yet reached the highway after leaving Bristol when the Area Coordinator called my cell phone and asked me if I would accept the position. “Yes!” I practically screamed into the phone.

Two days later, God blessed me with a second phone call—this one from the HR Director. “Stephanie, I am shredding your letter of resignation. Since you accepted the Resource Teaching position I am going to put you into the system as a transfer,” she paused as I began realizing what she was saying, “This means that you do not lose any insurance benefits.”

I knew that God had honored my decision to stand up for what is right for ALL, not just myself; and, because of that, He had not only delivered me my dream job, He had provided care for my body as it continued to heal from foot surgery.

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I began my first degree of study at the University of Missouri-Columbia (MU) in 1998. In 2002, I graduated with a BA in Communications – Marketing, Management and Public Relations. I studied everything from gender differences in Communications to advertising and business management. As much as I loved the field of Communications, the Lord had a different plan for me.

During my senior year at MU, I was presented with an opportunity to be a substitute teacher for Columbia Public Schools. From the first day I stepped foot into a classroom, God spoke to my heart and told me, “This is where you belong.” Even though I knew that my destiny would quickly change, I finished my degree at MU. Six months after graduation, I began my pursuit to become a teacher at the University of Missouri-St. Louis.

While in Columbia, I was introduced to Special Education. At first, I refused to accept any positions in a Special Education classroom. I said “no” out of fear. However, God quickly reminded me that I have nothing to fear in Him; then He made it impossible for me to refuse any longer. After my first day in a Special Education classroom, I knew that God gave me the heart to serve children with disabilities.

I received a Bachelor’s Degree in Special Education in 2006 (along with certification in both Special Education grades K-12 and General Education grades 1-6th). God honored my faithfulness to return to school by blessing me with a position within Special School District as a Resource Teacher in one of the top 10 districts in St. Louis, where I have been working ever since.


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I was living my dream... However, after this past Spring Break, the Break that ended up turning into a nightmare instead of a vacation, my doctors decided that I needed to take some time off of work. Because my Intermittent, Short-Term Disability is due to run out at the end of May, the Human Resource’s Department advised me to pursue Long Term Disability. When I first had this discussion, rather, when I first asked my doctor if I should look into LTD, without blinking her eyes, she said, “Yes.” However, I could not accept her answer that easily. Gage and I made an appointment with his family’s Primary Care Physician. After reviewing my medical records and personal history, he, too, without hesitation told me to apply for LTD. As if those two confirmations were not enough, I went on to ask my Physical Therapist and my Pain Management Specialist their opinions. “Yes” and “Yes” they said. A week later, Gage and I began the paperwork for approval for Long Term Disability.

I have learned that LTD takes around 45 business days to finalize its approval. Because I had started the process during the last week of March, I was hoping that I could be one of the “lucky ones” to learn of my approval sooner; however, after a phone call to the company last week, and learning that I had weeks of waiting, I decided to call my Human Resources Department again. Because they had already been helping me complete paperwork for Short-Term Disability throughout this entire year, they were eager to help me with the LTD process. The only problem was; however, that I could not officially receive a Leave-of-Absence from SSD until July, 30 days before the start of the school year. This upset me, because I wanted to display the courtesy to my colleagues, my Team and my friends that there is a great likelihood that I will not return to my teaching position for this next school year.

Finally, this week, I informed my school building that I am awaiting approval for LTD and will, realistically, not return in the Fall.

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I admit, this change-of-events has definitely shaken me; for I thought that when God called me to be a Teacher, He meant for me to do this for the rest of my life… However, I am reminded that He has not failed me; God did not let me pacify my life with a passion-less career; He did not let me mollify my marriage with a mediocre husband; He will not disable my body without a hope and a way for healing… I just pray that this “break” – this Long Term Disability – is His Way towards my miracle…