The past two months have literally been a blur and it is difficult to know where to begin… Most importantly, I apologize for not writing sooner. I appreciate more than anything those who read this blog, who pray for me and who support and encourage me through this battle I have fought for way too long. I recently learned that my journey has been helping an old friend’s mother who has been dealing with her own fight with physical pain. I told Gage when I first began this blog that if I helped at least one person, my purpose for taking the time to share my story would be complete… I hope that my journey somehow, someway helps you as much as your support has helped me!
I ended the school year with packed-boxes and tear-filled good-byes. I could not (and, technically, still cannot) announce that I am “officially” not returning to work next year until the paperwork through the school district goes through. I have given my personal contact information to those parents whom I have been a part of their lives for at least the last three years, helping them diagnose their child with a disability and then teaching them that special education is merely a new way of life (just as I have learned with my physical disability). Despite all of my efforts to fast-track the Human Resources process, the HR Department has a rule that I cannot apply for a Long-Term Leave of Absence until 30 days prior to the next school year. The process continues…
On the other hand, I have received official word that my Long Term Disability has been approved – Praise God! I have to admit, I was terrified that it would not… Friends who have had family members with serious health problems filled my head with horror stories of having to “fight the system” and were refused Disability the first (or more) times in which they applied. I thought to myself time and time again, “why would I be any different?” However, I was approved the first time I applied! And, not only was I approved, but the woman who handled my case at the Disability office knew of my Intermittent, Short-Term FMLA leave and was able to BACK-DATE my disability so that I am able to receive some compensation for the days that I missed work yet went without pay. When I learned this, I realized that those days that Gage and I spent hunched over the budget, digging deeper and deeper into our savings to “make-up” for all of the days that I HAD to take off of work would be over… God was providing for us!
The provision didn’t stop there, however! Another thorn in our side for the last 14 months was our empty, Kirkwood house. The house had been on the market since the month before Gage and I were married in 2010. In those 14 months, we only had one nibble from a buyer (who, obviously, did not buy the house). As each month passed, Gage and I asked ourselves and prayed to God that either a buyer would come our way or that God would grant us the wisdom as to make a decision as to what moves to make regarding the house. We considered taking out another loan and adding an upstairs to the house (which is barely 700 square-feet and is half of the size of the home we currently rent). Knowing that Gage and I want to “expand” our family as soon as I am able, we strongly believed that living in that house (in the condition it was in) was not an option for us. After researching the cost of construction and weighing our options, we also realized that no matter what we did to add to the house, it would never be our Dream Home. Furthermore, we also realized that we could not afford to let the house “sit” empty in Kirkwood any longer; however, the idea of being a Landlord was not something that interested Gage nor I… Despite our reservations, we finally felt that our last and only option was to rent the house. Thankfully, both Gage and I have dear friends, Nick and Danielle, who are in the “business.” Both Nick and Danielle took the time to walk us through the process and help reassure us that not only would this be a strong investment for us, but it will not be the terror we anticipated. After two weeks on Craigslist, we finally found the perfect person to live in the house and to take the burden of those mortgage payments off of our shoulders. More Praise!!!
They say that “bad things come in threes;” however, I believe that God knew that I needed a miracle – and I needed it BAD! In the time-span of less than one week, we had three wonderful things happen in our life: I received approval from Guardian, we rented our Kirkwood House and we began to start a “new life” with our family members and friends, thanks to the freedom of less-work (aka “less stress).
Even though things are looking much brighter, I admit, I did face a few physical battles to face along the way…
About one week after school finished for the year, I began noticing abnormal numbness in both of my arms as I slept. The numbness was isolated from my shoulders to my fingertips and, at first, they felt like my hands were “asleep.” Unfortunately, the strange condition only got worse. Within a week, the numbness had turned into stabbing pain. And, my two Physical Therapists (whom I turn to for everything) were both on vacation. Despite the efforts of my substitute PT, she actually threw my back out in an effort to try to help me with my new problem-areas. At that point, I had gone three weeks getting barely any sleep and the numbness/stabbing pain was also happening during the day as well as throughout the night. I had to forfeit PT for three weeks and make an emergency appointment with my Primary Physician to further investigate the pain and seek relief.
Fortunately, I have the highest regard for my Primary doctor and he helped both calm my fears and treat the problem. According to him, I have a pressed nerve in my neck which is causing the problems with my arms at night. After pin-pointing the nerve (C7), the Doc then ran a series of strength and neurological tests on me and determined that the problem (pain and pinching) should decrease within the next six weeks. To help with the pain, he prescribed a very specific nerve medication (to be taken at bedtime) and told me to check back with him in about a month. Within a few days, I was already sleeping more and more throughout the night and, thankfully, I have slept throughout the entire night for the past three evenings.
I admit, I was very worried when these new symptoms (and the new pain) started showing its ugly face. I could not imagine life with yet another physical problem! Nor, could I continue with the sleeplessness pattern that was developing. As with my back and hip pain, the more arm-pain I endured throughout the night, the less I slept. The less I slept, the less serotonin that my body created. The less serotonin, the more agitated I became and the less I was able to eat. I found myself terrified and trapped in the same vicious cycle that I finally felt I had finally overcome months before! I cannot be more thankful for the quick and precise resolve I received from my Primary doctor!
I have my first Physical Therapy appointment with my “regular” therapist this afternoon and my back cannot wait – three weeks without my PT has wreaked havoc on my back! Even though I knew that I had to prioritize my pain and treatment, I have had to suffer from massive knots in my left side, throbbing pain in my left hip and aches in my left oblique. My poor husband has had to extend his daily massages from 45 minutes to, some days, up to two hours (due to the extent of the myofascial pain in each area – in addition to neck and shoulder massages before bed to help relieve the pressure from the pinched nerve). We are both praying that after today’s PT appointment, he can take a break from “treatments” – at least for today!
Regardless of the pain and new problems, there have been some physical positives to my time off of work! I have increased my exercises that I do at home (at least 30 minutes of core-training, hip rotation and multiple stretches) daily – and I have even added a small amount of hydrotherapy to the regimen (and am looking into acupuncture – if I can afford it)! One of the exercises that I have missed the most has been walking with Gage and Lady around our neighborhood. I have finally gotten permission to add a VERY small amount of walking to my routine. Unfortunately for Gage, due to the hot weather, most of these walks have taken place at our local Target (but I think he secretly enjoys them – he did get a new summer wardrobe out of the deal ). Additionally, before she left for vacation, I had a special appointment with Dr. Julie who told me, “Steph, when I first saw you in January, I honestly only thought that we could get you to recover 50% AT BEST. However, I was wrong. Having not worked directly with you for three months, I can step back and truly see your progress. Your trigger spots are much smaller; your sensitivity has decreased; your stamina is much greater than I anticipated and your fluidity & mobility are impressive. I firmly believe that with this year off to recover and rehabilitate, you can and WILL get better.” Just to clarify, Dr. Julie further explained that “better” did not mean maintenance-free for the rest of my life; better can be defined as: one day, I will be off of daily pain medication, I will not require physical therapy daily at home and twice weekly at the Rehab Center, I may not be running marathons but, hopefully, I’ll be able to run across the street… Physical maintenance will always be a part of my vocabulary, physical restraints and (some) limitations may be an intermittent part of my life, but, one day, I will live a life that is not Pain-Centered.
Thankfully, and I believe with all of my heart that it is God’s doing, I am getting better! I also am grateful that, along with the process of healing, I am gaining a LIFE back. In the past four weeks since school has been out, Gage and I have: joined a church (weekly) Community Group, seen his family & mine several times, spent time with friends (both as double-dates and on our own), gone on a few dates of our own, we have planted a vegetable and flower garden (also winning the Turner Tomato Contest of the Year), I have finished a scrapbook and, most importantly, Gage and I are in the process of working with both my counselor and a marriage counselor on finding a “New Normal” for our life – one that meets my physical needs as well as BOTH of our emotional needs for a balanced well-being and marriage.
For now, the Journey to recovery continues… And even though I have had a few minor set-backs, I feel like I am, day –by-day, gaining a sense of “life” back.
