4:1

The other day, a friend at work asked me, “We (she and her husband) pray for you everyday; are any of the prayers being answered?” She asked me out of both sympathy and humor and I responded the same, “I hope so!”

The past few weeks have been admittedly difficult for me, beginning with the MRI. As teachers, we learn to base our responses and reactions with a 4:1 ratio; the goal being to provide four positive feedback/responses to every 1 negative. However, Gage and I listened to a sermon on Sunday which reminded us that Christianity and suffering go hand-in-hand. Keeping both of these philosophies in mind, I will try to inform you as best possible all that I endured the last two weeks and what the next few weeks have in store for me…

(Negative #1) The technical jargon of the MRI report is as follows:

Written Report Findings: “There is no evidence of fracture or marrow edema. Note is made of simple appearing cyst measuring 12x7 cm in diameter located in the anterior inferior portion of the right femoral head. The bony anatomy of the hips are otherwise unremarkably bilaterally. The femoral heads are well-rounded. There is no significant joint fluid.

There is made of edema within the tissues of the quadratus femoris muscles near their trochanteric attachments, left greater than right suggesting myositis or muscle strain.”

Impression: “Edema within the tissues of quadratus femoris muscle near their trochanteric attachments, left greater than right. The appearance suggests myosistis or muscle sprain. The examination is otherwise unremarkable with note of a small, simple appearing cyst in the right femoral head.”

What does all this mean? I think it verifies that the pain I’ve been experiencing along my left hip joint, left diaphragm and left leg is due to sprained muscles; basically, I sprained my hip. And, apparently, there is note of a cyst on my right hip.

(Negative #2 – already blew the 4:1 ratio!) Even though my Surgeon received this information the day after my MRI, he refused to talk to me about it until my appointment, which is scheduled for this Friday. His lack of communication only led me to lack of information as to how to treat both my sprained hip and recovering back. (For a sprained him, one should rest and use heat/ice and anti-inflammatory drugs; for back surgery recovery, one should walk 3 miles each day, avoid ice or cold and stay away from anti-inflammatory medication…)

(Positive #1 – only 7 more to go…) Upon receiving the MRI report, my first thought was, “I’m not crazy!” You may laugh, but with each appointment that I see my Surgeon, he tells me over and over again how “atypical” my results are, essentially blaming me for my poor – or abnormal – recovery. With these MRI results, at least I have reliable data that demonstrates that there are mechanical problems within my body that are both causing my pain and decreasing the success of my recovery.

(Positive #2) One week after I received the MRI results, I was able to see Dr. Julie, a physical therapist (DPT – which means she has her doctorate in physical therapy) who works with Dr. Mark and who is the President of the Rehab Facility where I have been receiving my Biofeedback therapy. (She “squeezed” me in after hearing “my story” from Mark.)

(Positive #3) Dr. Julie does not take my insurance; however, having spoken to Mark and the office manager, she arranged to see me as a “cash patient” for a reduced fee.

(Positive #4) At my PT evaluation with Dr. Julie, we hit it off immediately. Ironically, she shares my birthday! As we spent several hours together, first going over my medical history, then as she gave me my (excruciatingly painful) physical evaluation, we learned that we have a lot in common. We “clicked.” I looked at the shared birthday and interests as a God Wink… Throughout the entire visit, I felt at peace with Dr. Julie. Not only that, I felt that she could actually help me.

(Negative #3 – it’s going to be hard to keep up with the positives now!) Mark originally recommended that I see Dr. Julie to get a PT consult. He suspected that I had problems with my hips and wanted Dr. Julie to evaluate me and give me some advice in which I could pursue treatment on my own. After a two-and-a-half hour evaluation, Dr. Julie told me that she was not finished with the eval, and that our hope for self-treatment would not benefit me as much as if I were to see her on a regular basis. Dr. Julie told me that I suffer from: hip misalignment, malnutrition (due to my decreased appetite because of my constant pain and pain medication) and sleep deprivation. She said she can help me with all of these things, but that we need a Treatment Plan; then, she acknowledged that since my insurance does not cover her services, I cannot afford her.

(Positive #5) Throughout the evaluation, Dr. Julie learned that I have not worked full-time, hence, have not received a full salary, since August 2010; she also learned that I have many medical bills and that starting January 1st, my Insurance Co. re-set their deductables and increased their co-pays, which meant that I have several cash-payments due very soon; additionally, she learned that we have two mortgages, as Gage’s (our) Kirkwood house is still on the market and that both my husband and I are teachers; consequently, earning “teacher’s salaries.” Even though all of these financial woes are not a “positive,” Dr. Julie told me that her company offered a Scholarship Program for “people in my financial situation.” Dr. Julie told me to talk to the office manager and see if I am a candidate to receive assistance; therefore, I could officially become Dr. Julie’s patient. I called the office manager and she said she’d have the Scholarship application ready for me tomorrow. We are praying that I qualify!

(Positive #6) CALLING ALL DOCTORS! The same week I had my MRI, Mark encouraged me to speak to my Pain Management Specialist, Dr. Wayne, regarding my medications. Mark has known that, for months now, the medications prescribed by my Orthopedic Doctor/Surgeon haven’t even come close to cutting the edge off of my pain, and he thought that I should try a non-narcotic pain reliever. I called Dr. Wayne who kindly called me back that same day and agreed with Mark. Without even having me come into his office for an appointment, Dr. Wayne consulted with me over the phone, taught me how to stop taking the narcotics and prescribed a non-narcotic pain reliever. I have been on the new medication for over a week and, even with the hip sprain, I am noticing less pain, better sleep and fewer medicinal side-effects.

Unfortunately, I did not meet my 4:1 ratio; however, it has come to the point where I can tell you what lies ahead… On Friday, I have an appointment with The Surgeon. I anticipate him being rigid and impersonal. I also expect that he will not address the sprained hip or the cyst (not “his field”); additionally, he will likely disapprove of me calling Dr. Wayne and stop taking the narcotics that he prescribed (even though narcotics are much more harmful. Fortunately, both Gage and my mother-in-law, Karen, are accompanying me to the doctor appointment. I truly feel as if, prior to each visit, I need to prepare an army of advocates to be on my side, for The Surgeon has a relentless way of making me feel inferior and as if any and all problems of my recovery are entirely my fault.

For you Prayer Warriors out there, please lift me high this week… I pray for answers regarding my recovery and treatment for ALL of my suffering. I pray for kind doctors and affordable remedies. I pray for emotional and physical support. Most importantly, I pray that I am reminded that God has a plan for me; He has not left me alone in this challenge; He will provide and He will heal me.

Preliminary MRI Results

I went in for my MRI yesterday. After a grueling 2 hours in painful positions, the preliminary results were as follows:

- Neck: normal
- Spine: curvature detected
- Low Back: scoliosis and "noted changes since surgery" (whatever that means...)
- Hip MRI: muscle sprains

Now, on top of my back "problems" I have what can be only described as "beyond a reasonable doubt" evidence of hip problems, too.

I should receive the official Radiology report within a few days, and I will take this information to my Biofeedback Specialist and Physical Therapist on Tuesday when I have my follow-up appointment.

Stay Tuned...

Eye on the Ball

For Christmas, my dear friend Danielle gave me a Friendship Devotional. Our goal is to, together, read one page each day and then once a week, we are to journal-and-connect about something in which we read. The book is amazing; it even has a page on the 7th day called "To Ponder with a Friend" that includes 4 discussion questions or goals. Because Danielle and I both lead demanding lives, we decided that we would choose 1 topic question to focus on together.

This week, the question that struck out the most to me was:

“There is something about the faith of a child… Have you ever been touched by a child’s faith and belief in God or a prayer a child has prayed for you? If so, write or share about this. What did you learn from that child?” (Aldrich & Fuller, The One Year Women’s Friendship Devotional, 2008).

Even though, working in a school with students with special needs, I encounter more than one moment each day where I am “touched” by a child; however, when I read this topic, my mind kept returning to a moment I shared with my faithful pooch, Lady, about 4 years ago.

My friend Melissa came over to my old apartment with her dog, Bailey. She and Bailey were playing with Lady and me when something in particular caught my eye… When it was Lady’s turn to play fetch, she wouldn’t keep her eye off the ball. Her body was in the “ready” position, her happy tail wagged expectantly, and she was genuinely smiling. I said to Melissa, “I want to always look towards God that way.”

Dogs are such amazing creatures! Their love is so unconditional; they never question your commands; every encounter with you is as cheerful as the next; they are loyal; they are forgiving. I’ve often thought that we could learn a lot from our pets!

I was so touched by my metaphor with Lady’s eye-on-the-ball as it related to my walk with Christ, that I tried to capture it on film; however, even the pictures didn’t do the moment justice. Nonetheless, whenever I play fetch with Lady, she never fails to demonstrate the same excitement, trust and anticipation as she did that day when we played with Melissa and Bailey.

I wish I could say that my walk with Jesus has been as loyal; I wish I could say that I have never doubted His commands or the challenges brought into my life. I wish I could truthfully say that I have always kept my eyes on God even when suffering or confused…

This past week has been particularly challenging for me and, I admit, I have not responded to God’s tests with unconditional love and loyalty. Regarding my recovery, I learned that these next two weeks are going to be tough to say the least. Dr. Mark has repeatedly suspected that my pain has a root beyond my back; two weeks ago, using muscle-contraction sensors, we deduced that there are some major discrepancies between my left low-back and right low-back muscles, in addition to suspect hip-joint conditions. He offered two theories:
1. Even though the spinal fusion surgery may have helped my disc problems in my low back, if “the mechanics” (as Mark refers to my body) are not in place, neither the Biofeedback therapy nor the surgery are going to relieve my back and leg pain.
2. Based on the sensor-responses through the Biofeedback therapy, we noted that even when standing on my right foot and putting all my weight on the right side of my body, my muscles showed no sign of contraction or distress (whereas they did on my left side and, frankly, should have); Mark’s theory is that if is not related to a hip-problem, then it may be a neurological problem.

“What’s the plan?” Dr. Mark asked me upon discussing these theories and my up-coming February 4th appointment with my Orthopedic Surgeon. Ideally, I would:
- continue Biofeedback Therapy once/week
- get an MRI for my hips and back
- get a Physical Therapy Evaluation
- consult with a Pain Management Specialist
- consult with a Primary Physician.
Realistically, I cannot physically do all of these things, so on Tuesday the 18th, I have my MRI appointment; on Tuesday the 25th I will have a physical therapy evaluation; I will cancel my Biofeedback appointments during those two weeks and then see Dr. Mark on February 1st then take all of the gathered reports to The Surgeon on February 4th. Additionally, my Primary Physician cannot see me until April and I will attempt to have a phone consult with my previous Pain Management Specialist before I see The Surgeon.

Whew! Just thinking of the busyness of the weeks ahead of me is exhausting! And, as I admitted above, hearing the news that my pain could be caused by more than my recovering back, I was deeply discouraged. I cried continuously for two days; I withdrew from my husband, my family and my friends; I found tears welling in my eyes at work at inappropriate times; and, instead of giving my concerns to God and asking my Prayer Warriors to fight for me, I literally turned off the lights in my home and tried to hide from the pain, my schedule and my reality.

On day 3 of my dark-hole existence, I read something inspirational in my Devotional; then I returned to the Discussion Questions. As always, Lady was at my side, head in my lap while tears dripped onto her fur, when God reminded me of that day, years ago, when I played fetch with her…

Lady doesn’t care when I throw the ball or how many times I play with her each week; she just knows that if she brings me a toy, I will throw it for her. Lady doesn’t mind if I am an hour late feeding her; she just knows that I will always give her food. Lady doesn’t expect me to pet her 1,000 times a day; she just knows that I will never ignore or neglect her. In looking at my (six-year-old) pup, I remembered how I should be looking to God.

In order for me to keep my eyes to the Lord, I recognize that I cannot question Him as often as I do; for I need to “just know” that He will always care for me and provide, even when discouraged, in pain or penniless. I must stop trying to control every aspect of my life; I need to “let go and let God” take over. I will start sharing with my loved ones my challenges and my cries, for God has placed them in my life to lift me up to Him when I am too weak to lift my own eyes to heaven. Most importantly, I will not give up on my faith and the faith that God’s plans are much greater than my own.

Goodbye for Now...

"Maybe I should sell my bike," I suggested to Dr. Mark.

During our most recent Biofeedback sessions, Mark and I began discussing the reality of my condition. He did not tell me, "you will not get better;" however, he said that it might help me recover if I stopped thinking about everything that I cannot do; which is difficult, because there is little that I can do that can distract me and to replace these menacing thoughts. Mark explained that the only way for me to get over the part of me that is currently disabled is for me to grieve it.

What do I miss???

- I miss doing yoga; I miss stretching; I miss pilates; I miss working-out; I miss running; I miss walking my dog; I miss playing tennis; I miss kickboxing; I miss swimming, I miss hiking...

- I miss being able to go shopping, to go to the grocery store, to do laundry, to clean my house, to try on clothes for fun, to pet my dog while standing, to make my bed, to put on shoes, to do the dishes...

- I miss dancing at weddings, going to the movies, seeing a play, enjoying a two-hour dinner, going to a party with more than 10 guests, planning social events two-nights in a row...


For my 29th Birthday, Gage bought me a bicycle. My birthday is in August. Early that summer, Gage and I had taken up cycling and I loved it! I felt like a little girl every time we went down a steep hill and my stomach hit my throat. I literally squealed with joy at each downward slide! Despite the love of the ride, I threw my back out that very July. Gage and I both thought I'd "get better" and he went ahead and bought me my beloved bike for my birthday so that I no longer had to use one of his "boy" bikes. That was a year and a half ago and I've ridden my beautiful, purple bike with a ladybug helmet one time.

When I learned that I would need spinal fusion surgery, we kept the bike. It was something I could look forward to when I recovered. It was my future reward for enduring the pain and achieving the desired results. However, as months went by and my recovery endured challenge after challenge, I started to look at the bike with contempt. We stored it in the garage and after each trip, whether it was to the store or coming home from work, I looked at the bike and realized that it was taunting me. Every time I stepped into the garage, I saw my nemesis. My bike became my back's enemy.

After my Biofeedback session with Mark, I spent weeks crying. All I could think about was all that I was missing. I felt that I had nothing left in life in which to look forward. I explained what I was going through to my compassionate husband, and when I told him that I was considering selling the birthday gift that he had so thoughtfully given me, he said, "I understand. Whatever you need to do to grieve, I support you."

So I grieved... as with any mourning period, I had to say good-bye to my past and all that I lost.

Last week, I started to come to terms with my mourning and my reality. Most importantly, I decided not to sell my bike. I also decided to stop looking at everything that I was missing, and start looking at how far I've come in my recovery. I decided that it is time to look forward to life post-surgery...

Since my surgery, I can now:
- walk 3 miles without my walker
- slow dance in the kitchen with my husband
- (attempt to) work 4 days each week
- cook a meal for my hubby at least once a month
- go to a matinee show as long as I bring a pillow and go to a theater where I can stretch across a row of seats
- have friends over to visit and not retire after 2 hours
- help Gage with small chores around the house
- do mild stretches
- take a bath (oh, how I missed those bathes...)

I look forward to a million things after I fully recovery. My top three are:
1. Riding my bike.
2. Playing tennis.
3. Traveling to see long-distance friends and family.

In every season of grief, there comes a corner which one must turn. For a while, I turned my back on the hope that I will one day recover. Even though I still have a journey ahead of me, I have faith in each step that I now take, for the steps are becoming less and less painful every day and the distance is increasing each week.

One day, I will feel my stomach drop at the bottom of a hill while on two-wheels again...