Fear Not...

I used to love parties. My mom always referred to me as a “social butterfly.” I did not have a shy bone in my body. I liked to arrive “fashionably late,” to make an entrance, but I was always the last to leave. A smile came naturally to me; however, ever since the surgery I find it the hardest expression to make…

Last Sunday, I was getting ready for my parent’s annual St. Nicholas Party. I grew up on St. Nicholas street. What kid could be so lucky as to live on a street where Christmas was thought of every time she turned into her driveway? The neighborhood honored this by hosting a yearly parade, followed by a party.

Ever since I could remember, I went to the St. Nick Party. On this special day, the street was closed and every household was filled with children waiting for Santa and adults filling their bellies with delicious food. Even after all of the neighbors, and eventually my parents, moved from St. Nicholas Street, my mom continued to host the party. Every December, I awaited this party and the opportunity to love old friends; this Sunday; however, was different.

The Bible tells me not to fear, for fear is not of the Lord (2 Timothy 1:7), yet I openly admit that this is the commandment in which I struggle the most. When I started work after the surgery, I was in a tremendous amount of pain daily and I did not hide it well. One day, a colleague said to me, “… unless you’ve ever lived with chronic pain yourself, you don’t understand it….” I only comprehended part of what she was telling me that day. In August, I assumed she was merely discussing the physical component of pain. Now, I believe she was also encouraging me to be strong when the “emotional side-effects” took their toll.

This past Sunday, I awoke with a great deal suffering. My lower-back was throbbing. This scared me, because usually when I wake-up I am stiff and barely in any sort of pain at all. The aches and anguish don’t typically begin for hours into my day. This throbbing sent fear throughout my entire being. Notice, I said “typically.” For six months now, pain has been my companion; some days it hides it ugly face and masks itself as stiffness or soreness in my muscles, other days it attacks every part of me. Last Sunday, it was the later.

What I have come to recognize is that it is not only the pain that disables me, but the fear of this pain overwhelms me entirely. Now, I understand what my colleague was saying to me four months ago. When one’s body is in agony, it can be controlling. Not only does it limit one’s ability to physically act, it assaults the mind’s way of thinking.

Because I have experienced agony for so long, I have learned to look for triggers, or precursors, both bodily and mindfully that induce the pain. In preparing for the St. Nick Party, my mind filled with precautions of possible triggers:
1. 60 people are expected to attend this party; do they all know of my surgery?
2. If not, will I be equipped to discuss it with them without getting upset about my slow recovery or suffering?
3. Because there will be so many people, will I be able to sit or stand comfortably in my mother’s house?
4. Will someone give up a chair for me? Will I have the courage to ask them to?
5. What if someone bumps into me?
6. What if I accidentally twist my body?
7. What if someone embraces me for a hug and squeezes me too hard?
8. Of the 60 guests, at least 20 children will be there. What if one of them tugs me?
9. What if one of them plops into my lap without my readiness?
10. Will I be able to hold my friend’s new baby?
11. Will I be able to play with her toddler?
12. Will I be able to maneuver throughout the maze of adults, furniture, Christmas decorations and children to get from one place to another without jolting my body?
13. What if I am unable to help “Santa” (aka my husband) get ready for his grand entrance and the center of this festivity?
14. Will someone else be his “Elf” since I am unable to bend over to reach for gifts, wrapping paper or help a child into Santa’s lap?
15. Will my husband feel like he is “babysitting” me because he knows my fears and will do anything to avoid me facing them?
16. Can my body tolerate the 70 minute round-trip drive on top of attending the party itself?
17. Will my body be able to relax itself once the cold, outside air hits it and my muscles automatically react with tension?
18. What if I slip on black ice while walking to the car?
19. Will anyone be upset if I leave early?
20. Should I even go???

To a person who does not live with chronic pain, these questions probably seem unnecessary – possibly even ridiculous. To me; however, they are a way of life. Every morning that I wake, I have to make a mental note of what the day requires of me. I must plan my schedule, outfit, endurance and medication around it. There are so many times that the mere thought of what the day holds before me is so exhausting that I must force myself not to crawl back into bed and bawl.

I made it through the party, and that is exactly how I feel – like I accomplished something great because I went to a Christmas Party. I cried for a half an hour before we left prior to the event because I was so afraid of all of the “what-ifs” then my husband wiped my eyes, held my hand, walked me to the car, and we found our way to jolly-ole St. Nicholas. Out of all of the fears, only a few actually perspired: my muscles had a hard time releasing from the cold weather’s grip on them once inside the warm house, I was unable to help Santa both get dressed and pass out gifts, I could hold my best friend’s baby; however, when holding an older infant, I assaulted the muscles on my left side (where the baby’s head rested), I twisted one too many times to give a hug or get around the house but always had a cozy seat saved for me, everyone there knew of the surgery so I did not have to re-live it that night through a story; however, I did get the “do you have to go now?” questions when we left about two short hours after arriving. Like I said, I made it.

Christmas Eve is three days away and yesterday, the day after the St. Nick Party, while my body recovered the mere thought of the activities surrounding the next occasion and the events to follow overwhelmed me to the point of near-hysterics.

About two months ago, my sister offered to host the Christmas Eve Party which I had taken on when I moved to a bigger home two years ago. Both offended and, ironically, filled with hope, I declined. My family thought I was foolish. I told them, “I have faith that by Christmas Eve, I will be healed and ready to celebrate with a party.” Sadly, so far, I was wrong. Last night, while in tremendous pain, Gage and I contemplated canceling the party or asking my sister if she were still willing to host; however, even with the extra effort it takes to host the party, I am more comfortable in my own home than traveling around St. Louis to attend a party at someone else’s house. Nonetheless, we decided to keep the party; however, now we are reconsidering the plans for the days following. We do not know if my body can handle all of the demands of the holiday, especially when, because of the large number of invitations from our loving family members, we were invited to four full days of festivities. We do not know which events we should say “no” to, and which would be easiest on my muscles and we should plan on attending.

Regardless of which events Gage and I attend around the holidays, we know that our families and friends will understand. Regardless of what feelings of fear consume me, I know that the Word commands me to live with hope. Regardless of the aches I feel today, a part of me still believes that it is not too late to have a pain-free Christmas. I write today to acknowledge my reservations, and to release them. This year, all I want for Christmas is a day without fear, a day filled with hope and the healing that God has begun in me…

http://www.alighthouse.com/fearnot.htm

Prayer Warriors at their BEST

December 3rd - present

I am so inspired by the love that God has sent to me through each of you... I am beyond touched and I cannot possibly thank each and every one of you for your encouragement!

This is what YOU, my Prayer Warriors, said to me (if anyone needs me to delete something, please let me know and I will be happy to do so!):


Hello My Love,

Thank you for sharing your praise report! I am so sorry you are fealing defeated, depleted, and down this afternoon. I was really convinced that you would have a great day today and I'm sorry that's not the case.

Know that things WILL get better. You are already so much better than just a few weeks ago and God WILL make you completely better. I envision you riding bikes, playing tennis, and doing some other physical activities :)

Stay positive, my love. All will be well.

I love you,

-Gage


Dear Steph,

You need a JOY infusion! I’m telling you, it’s great!

I’ll share with you, my friend’s advice this week: Rather than try to be super mom all day and feel defeated because I can’t, just try to be a great mom for 15 minutes a day. The kids will love it and it’s manageable. …… see the connection…. You’re the mom and your body/spirit are the three crazy kids …… J Small, manageable stuff. The rest of the day will work itself out. I liked her advice this week. It’s helped. Hang in there!

Love,
Shannon


Be encouraged Stephanie. Paul wrote something for you...

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,j whok have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Paul The Apostle
- Jeremy


Oh, sweetie... God loves you so much and is continuing to heal you! His plan is bigger than anything you or I or anyone could ever know. He is continuing to strengthen you more and more each day, as you are SUCH a great patient! LOL! And even though you aren't recovering as quickly as I know you wanted - that doesn't mean you aren't getting better. May God's peace continue to be all over you, and His healing power overwhelm you! His blood was enough - continue to take communion and remind yourself of your healing. Look at what God says and not at what you may see. I love you!!!! *hugs*
~ Mel


Stephanie,

So many times in our lives we all doubt that God is there and is He helping us when we seem to be at our lowest. That is the time to lean and lean heavily on our Christian friends to help left our spirits and our prayers to God. I cannot imagine the pain you are asked to endure on a daily basis, and I do not know God's plan for you, but I do know that He has a plan. In our "human"ness (not a word) we can't see or totally understand, but we (you, me and all your Christian brothers and sisters) must stand strong and believe that God holds you in the palm of His Hand and He will bring you out on the other side so you can enjoy the fruits of this life.
Don't ever doubt your faith cause God knows your heart!!!!!!!

I don't know what I can do to help, but all you need to do is ask or point me in the right direction and I will. Prayers, prayers, prayers is the course we all need to stay focused on.

God put Gage in your life for a reason and one of those reasons was to be a strength to you right now. Let him be there for you and let him take care of you and the house. Just think of all the times that you have been there for him. I'm sure he does. He loves you.

You will get thru the small paychecks because some kind way, God provides. He always does. Don't push yourself too much at school. Whatever we do, it is never enough in the eyes of our employer, so stop!!!!! Just do what you comfortably can and let stuff go. What you do or do not do will not get these children into Harvard nor will it keep them out of Harvard! We are one small bleep on their educational journey. They will survive!!!!

WE WORK FOR GOD.... HE WILL PROVIDE OUR STUDENTS WITH WHAT THEY NEED EVEN IN OUR WEAKNESSES. PUT YOUR STUDENTS IN GOD'S HANDS TOO!!!!!

None of this will really make you feel better right now. But we are all here for you. God has given you a lot of blessings, as you pointed out. So keep your eyes on Him and what He has blessed you with, and take everything one day, one hour, at a time.

Love,
Maryann


Steph,

Please remember that my father-in-law said at 6 months post-(back)surgery he wouldn't have done it but 6 months later said his quality of life had improved dramatically from the procedure.

I wish you weren't in pain, my love, but I know that you are strong and that this, too, will pass. I often think of a native american saying that has brought me solace in times of struggle. I can't remember the exact wording but the message is something like, "When I ask the Great Spirit for strength, challenges are laid before me that I might overcome them." ... You are blessed by true, honest love. So many live an entire life and never know such pleasure! Keep holding your head gracefully high my darling friend. You are healing and you will overcome this challenge in your life.

I love you!
The Other Steph


Hey Steph~

I am so glad I got this. I was JUST praying for you about 20 minutes ago, just praying for your continued healing. It's good to have a specific request now. I am so sorry you are struggling. I am so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how Satan creeps in those moments and tries to wreck our faith and confidence that we serve a BIG God who gives healing and hope!!! I would encourage you to find a short scripture that you can recite each and every time you find the enemy creeping in. He longs to take our thoughts and we MUST take each one of them captive with scripture and the promises from God!!! He does hear you and has a plan for your process at this time, I'm just sorry it's a process of suffering. Our suffering makes us well aware of our need for God and that much more thankful for His sacrifice on the cross. Try to dwell on those things as much as you can!

Please let me know how I can serve you and Gage. I love you guys!
Erin


Hi Stephanie,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I promise I was there. I was SO frustrated. I started telling myself all these lies… I’ll never be able to teach with this back, I’ll never run again, I’ll never be able to clean my room/house, I’ll never be able to do normal things a 20 something should do, I’ll never be able to fly anywhere… I was TOTALLY there. Nothing anyone said made me feel better because I always thought to myself, “How do you know!?”

Obviously we have different back issues, different surgeries, different bodies… however, I went through the same things emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and (probably) physically. It is a hard and lonely road, but stay strong. Stay positive. Keep looking to the progress even if it is much less than the pain. Sometimes life hits us hard and we have to SLOW down more than we are comfortable doing. Yikes. I hated slowing down, especially when I was 21. You have progressed and you will continue to. It’s just taking a LONG time. I know you must be super frustrated, especially with a new husband to take care of and kiddos at school who depend on you. Try, try to stay positive. Stay in the Word. No matter what I read or what I hear, I’m always directed back to Scripture. All truth is found in there. I think I usually stray from scripture when I’m going through challenging things. I don’t know why I do that, but I know it’s where I should be. God will speak to you through the word.

Sorry for that scrambled message! As I read your email, my heart sank because I know what your going through—or at least a version of it. I’m so sorry! Let me know if there is any other way I can help. Let me know if you ever want to talk, watch a movie, whatever! I am up for just laying around (literally!)

Love,
Katy


hi Steph-- thank you for filling me in { and being open, honest and real} Of course, my prayers are with you. I have a book that I think it would be a good one, for you to read. It is written by Joni Erackson Tada--. She has dealt with Pain levels that are more than she can bear.{ She has been paralyzed since a diving accident when she was very young. She is remarkable-- a singer, author, outstanding artist, --but most of all she knows Jesus Christ and the power of God in her life. What a testimony she is , but this level of pain is new in just this last year.. { If you would like me to bring the book, I'd be so happy to. { Maybe you already know about Joni. She has her own website--{ you can type in her name and it will come up --Or there is a site Joni and Friends. Love julie


Hey Stephanie,

I wish I had some brilliant advice to give you, but anything I'd re-state you've probably already heard. What I do have to share with you is what came to my mind when I read this update - - all that kept coming to my mind was the following:

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13)

I went to Blue letter bible and looked up the word "Stand" - and a LOT of verses came up. I hope these can maybe encourage you to just keep standing strong... no matter what comes your way:

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
(1 Corinthians 15:58)

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong."
(1 Corinthians 16:13)

"Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm." (2 Corinthians 1:24)

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." (Ephesians 6:11)

"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place," (Ephesians 6: 14)

----- A portion of what is mentioned in some of these verses has to do with the Armor of God, which also came to mind when I was thinking about "Standing" firm. (Ephesians 6)
I hope this can be encouraging... even as I was reading through these verses, I was personally inspired to just continue to be strong in areas of my life where I've kind of slacked off, or just thought "well, maybe things will never change for the better".

I hope you are having a good week so far - It's only Monday - blah! I will be transitioning jobs here on the 17th (but pulling 60+ hours a week until then). Maybe we can get together for lunch one day that you're either working a half, or have the day off after my schedule slows down?

Be encouraged - people are praying for you and standing with you. You are an amazingly strong and courageous woman!

-Faith-


Stephanie,

Your e-mail touched my heart deeply because it reminded me (and Pat) of past times of suffering and disappointment in our lives . . . and how difficult it was to pray, sometimes, during those times of the dark nights of the soul. That is why we believe so strongly in the prayer of others for us . . . it is so important when we are discouraged and feel that God is not paying any attention, that other people of faith keep lifting us up to God.

I like e-mail, but there are times when only the human voice can convey (more wholly) the love and concern we have for that person (you!). When I first start talking to you on your machine, I felt close to tears because I so wanted all this suffering to be over for you. For some reason, I can accept pain and suffering in an older person . . . but not in a younger person. Ah . . . God's plan . . . so hard to understand or accept sometimes.

Lastly, I want to repeat that Pat reminded me last Saturday that recovery after some of her operations went quickly and efficiently . . . and others took a long, long time. I think that she mentioned her knee operation, and I can still remember her discouragement over the slow progress. Things are fine now . . . but faith and patience were tested back then.

We will continue to pray daily for you, Steph. Just do what your doctors tell you to do and focus on any little area of improvement, no matter how small.

Love,
Aunt Mariann


Stephanie,

I did some thinking before I got on the computer. Aunt Mariann's e-mail was so good, I can't add much more to it--copy it and keep it and read it everytime you need to feel more hope and faith in yourself and your healing.

My e-mail will be a bit more personal. First of all, we both had back surgery, BUT we're both different with different backs and different back problems, different doctors (both very good) and different therapists. The more intensive and involved the surgery, the longer it takes to heal. I'm so sorry for the pain and discouragement you're going through, but your back was so straight on Thanksgiving; and I know eventually you'll feel good and hopefully glad you had the surgery done. My back is good (compared to how I used to feel), but I still feel, and probably always will, some back stiffness--it's hard bending over and putting my socks on, and I'm not walking or standing as straight as I want to, and I still need my back brace when I'm going to be baking cookies, putting up the tree, things like that, and I do take muscle relaxants at night after a rough day. You're off the walker (great!), and you're walking real far every day. I walk and ride an exercise bike (now), but I don't think I could ever walk as far as you. Believe in yourself, Steph. I can see you doing a lot better.

About being discouraged and feeling hopeless . . . I didn't think I would ever be able to sleep or walk again pain-free after my left knee replacement. It was so swollen and stiff (and, of course) I was sent back to work after six weeks, where I did a lot of sitting and my knee kept stiffening up. So painful!! So finally I was put back on sick leave, and the doctor did a fun thing called Manipulation where I was completely knocked out in the hospital and he bent and stretched my knee and then sent me to constant physical (painful) therapy. Finally, after a lot of work, I was able to be "normal" again and sleep again and walk again. I am grateful for the surgery--my knee is good now; but there were times I thought, WHY did I ever have it done?

Stephanie, my wish for you is to believe in God's presence and love for you, and believe in us and our love and prayers, AND every day find something to be thankful for, some blessing that you noticed and are grateful for. Some days it's really a challenge. You have a wonderful, caring husband. Maybe you were able to walk a little easier, maybe you didn't tire as much as the day before, maybe the kids at school were a little more responsive or one of them said something sweet to you or funny to make you laugh. But please believe little by little things will get better, you will get better.

Love you--all my prayers--

Aunt Pat


Thinking and Dreaming and Planning and Hoping...

How does that song go? Well that's what I'm doing for you right now. I'm thinking of you whole and well, dreaming about you running down a beach, planning for good times ahead and hoping that it will happen soon!

I talked to a pain specialist colleague of mine at a recent dinner and told him about you and he said not to get discouraged because those operations are big deals and it takes time for a lot of his patients to heal. He said a year was not unheard of.

Two things have been running through my mind all day while I was thinking of what I could write that could help you - both are things I've run across in my reading in the last day or so and they caught my eye...... One was "Control less, trust more." What that means to me is that you have covered your bases with good doctors and good ancillary help and good friends and loving family and that perhaps it is time to relax and let the healing take place without worrying about the details. What would it be like not to journal for awhile or keep track of your pain scale.This shouldn't be so hard Sweetie. The second is "What we resist, persists." You are understandably concentrating on your pain (hard to ignore) and the (too slow) recovery and your fear that you won't get better. That's where your attention is and that is what you are noticing. Perhaps you could try putting your attention somewhere else (doesn't have to be big - even a dripping faucet would do) and see what happens. Worth a try? These are both things that I've seen help other patients.

I do believe you will get well and have never considered that you won't.

Just got back to town last night or I would have answered your sweet and poignant letter earlier. Thank you, by the way, for your TG card. It made my day!

Love Always - Dr. Mom


So, what can I say to you, the wonderful girl who has graced Gage's life?

That life is fair? It isn't!

But let me offer a few suggestions ----

It's not that you are not healing, but rather that it's going slowly. That's a sign that your body is telling you to take it easy, especially with new exercises (like the treadmill). This is not the time to suck it up and push through. Make progress slowly! Remember that you have youth on your side....

Expect the best and it will come. There is actually a whole process based on this, called the Law of Attraction. Basically, it says that we would do well to anticipate good things will happen. Or, put another way, failure is not only not going to happen, but we are not even going to consider it. Or as the gospel song says, "He may not come when we want Him but He's right on time!"

Let others help you. Some of the way, it seems you must travel alone, but good wishes and prayers and friends will always be there...

Love, Chuck


Hi Steph,

...I understand.... I’ve experienced chronic back pain and it is truly debilitating.

More than anything I wanted to tell you that you absolutely have total permission to focus on yourself to get well. I remember you said that you were advised that it would take 1-2 years for you to feel better and trust me, it will be worth it in the long run if you focus on getting to that point. I know that it’s hard and very painful and that you may feel responsible as a newlywed to follow some vague standard, but nothing is more important than you getting stronger and feeling better. You are an amazing woman and you will get there. If you need someone to hold your hand (or help with chores, or just to talk to), count me in! We love you and are there for you every step of the way, truly!

What do you need that would help you the most right now???

Do not give up, please. Take baby steps. Look how far you have come already!!!

Talk soon! Love,
Karen (and Ed, and Ponzi)


I asked for Encouragement, and I received....
Thank you!
Love to you all,
Steph

A Rant, A Rave and a Plea...

December 3, 2010

Hello Loved Ones,

I know that I normally start these updates with a Praise Report - and while I'll get to that, my mind is in another place and all I can think to do is send out this plea to the "universe" - to my prayer warriors - and see what boomerangs in return...

Today, I feel helpless. This week was my first attempt at working more than 3 days at Bristol in over 2 months. I thought I was ready. My body "felt" ready. My attitude was ready. The goal in my mind had been made... and so this morning, on the 4th morning of this work-week, I went to work for a half-day.

I was so proud of myself as the alarm went off this morning! I thought to myself, "I can do this!" and then I went to work. Nothing particularly "bad" happened while I was there. In fact, upon leaving, I thought to myself, "I should have just planned on staying the whole day" - I had so much adrenaline pumping and my mind was so filled with deadlines and lesson plans that I actually debated whether or not to cancel my afternoon sub... But I left anyways, following my FMLA recommendations.

Following additional doctor's orders, I went to the gym to try to get in my PT, which consists of strictly walking. Now that the weather is too cold to walk outside, I have been trying the treadmill at my gym. Apparently, the treadmill actually works my low-back muscles more efficiently than when I walk outside. On a positive note, it activates muscles that had been "resting" when they should have been healing; on the other hand, however, every step I take is painful. And yet I keep walking...

Being the dutiful patient that I am, I walked for as long as I could, then I came home. With a sandwich in one hand and a heating pad in the other I landed on the couch - and then it hit me... This week was hard. I mean really, really hard. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. The adrenaline from this morning had depleted and I was left with a shell of a body and a massive amount of pain running from my upper right shoulder to my left front oblique, across my entire low back and even down to my left hip and leg...

I told Gage last night that I wished I never had the surgery in the first place. I don't "fit" the category of where a "typical" patient should be in the recovery process; I have to see specialist after specialist and yet none of them have relieved the pain; I am going on 4 months of smaller and smaller paychecks and being expected to do the work of a full-time employee; my social life is non-existent; I am in as much pain - if not more - after the surgery than I was prior to it... and even my faith is slipping...

Where is my healing, Lord?

Now that my rant is complete, here comes the plea... I feel guilty asking this of any of you - for I already ask you to stop and pray for me daily at 4:00 pm, but I am drawn to ask it anyway...

Can you please encourage me?

Can you please tell me that "One day, I'll be better..." that "One day, I will run again; one day, I will be free from the bondage of pain; One day, I will be able to go to a movie at the theater and I will be able to go on the annual family float trip..." Can anyone tell me that one day I won't have to make myself go to work because I can't make it with one more shriveled paycheck; I'll go because I am physically ready to be there? Can someone please tell me that God's plan is so great that all of this physical and emotional suffering that I feel is not in vain?

Ahhh..... (sigh)....

But, please believe me, I am not blind to my blessings. I praise God that:
- I have gone over 3 weeks WITHOUT my walker - I can and I have walked 2 miles every day for the past 2 weeks!
- I have been able to decrease some of my medications (even while increasing my work load and walking).
- I made it through 5 hours of our Thanksgiving celebration (my usual expiration time is 3-4 hours)!
- I found a pain management specialist who I believe has helped control some of my low-back pain - and who, upon receiving info on my sudden change-of-insurance "gifted" me with a decreased deductible and weekly co-pays because he said, "I'm worth it..." (wow)!
- Gage and I have been able to bless others while dealing with our own financial woes!
- Gage is willing to pick up on the "slack" that a typical wife does around the house without a second thought or murmurer from his lips!
- My dear friends at work have given me gifts of encouragement and healing!
- And, I made it through an "extra" half-day of work this week.

As always, I am sorry to talk your ear off or fill up a half-hour of your time with my rants, my raves and my personal pleas. Thank you to each and every one of you for believing for me when I am in doubt and for being a part of my recovery process.

With Love,
Steph

Not exactly walking on water, but...

I thought that I'd send out a praise report - since I have each and every one of you to thank all of the steps (pun intended) I am taking in my healing!
A quick update: I am in the middle of my first official week at work WITHOUT MY WALKER!!!!! Yippee!!!! I admit, I have come home from work too sore to walk another step, but I feel satisfied knowing that I made it that long without the need of a contraption to get me from point A to point B! I have been weening myself off of it at home for some time, but have been too fearful to leave the house without it for some time... But, I am reminded that fear and worry are not of God so I took a chance and God has supported me (literally - ha!) these past few days. Praise God!

I have also been blessed in finding a Pain Management Specialist who is not only covered by my insurance (a challenge I faced with many of the specialists my surgeon has sent me to...) but who is just an overall nice, compassionate man. I saw him for the first time last Friday and I start an every-Monday schedule with him next week. He warned me that his treatments could take months, but at this point, I'll do whatever it takes to receive my healing.
So many of you have been so encouraging to me lately... I wanted to take the time to thank you. This has been quite a struggle for me - but you have each taken it upon yourselves to take care of me. You are also all teaching me so much about the power of prayer - and faith. THANK YOU!!!

Something powerful happened at work today that I wanted to share.... I, myself, have been doing affirmations and speaking healing scripture over my body and I realized that the power of the tongue is often forgotten. This morning, as I was praying on the way to work, I prayed over the staff at my school and I prayed over my students. Later, as I was about to give a group of mine a test, I decided to empower these students as you all have empowered me. Before giving them the test, I had them stand and repeat, "I am smart." They giggled, then said it. Then, we continued, "I am an excellent reader," this time, they were genuinely smiling (as opposed to laughing at their crazy teacher) and even speaking with more authority. Lastly, I had them say, "I am going to do a fantastic job on this test!" Every single student yelled these words. I believe that they truly believed them. They took their test. I scored it and pulled them aside, one by one, and showed them how each student made considerable improvements on this test compared to the test they took week before...
Ah... The power of words... The power of believing in them...

Thank you to those of you who take the time at 4:00 pm each day to pray for me. Thank you to those of you who speak healing over my body. Thank you for believing when I felt hopeless - and for being a part of all that brought that faith back into my life - mind, body and soul.
By God's Grace, I WILL BE HEALED!

Recovery: Doctor's Orders

Wow! Your emails and phone calls of encouragement this morning and all throughout the day were amazing - YOU are all amazing! I cannot thank you enough for all of your support!
Everyone keeps asking, "How did it go?" Well... it went...
The best thing that I could have done was asked my mom to attend. She was quite the advocate! (And so was my wonderful husband!)

Here are the facts:
- Structurally, the swelling around the incision is down and according to x-rays there has not been any harmful movement, so the pain is not coming directly from the Spinal Fusion Surgery itself.
- We won't know if the surgery "worked" until the 1-year mark... so we have some work to do in the mean time to get me better and some patience to work on (LOL!).
- The theory is that the pain is coming from severe muscle tension. While my PT and The Surgeon still have not come to an agreement on the fact of whether or not my muscles were strained during the first few months and set me back in recovery (she says "Yes!" he says "No!"), they did agree that my muscles currently are in over-drive and are the cause of my atypical pain...

Next Steps: Time, reduced stress - and the biggest step of all: Pain Management Strategies (they are going to find and set me up with a Pain Management Specialist who works specifically with people who have pain caused by muscle tension). For now, I need to keep my work schedule at the 3 days/week, I need to stay positive and I need to keep focused on my healing.

One interesting thing that was noted is that stress amplifies the muscle tension (duh, right?!?!) but who'd-a-thought that it could play this big of a part in my healing... Physical Stress and Emotional Stress are both working against me right now - so Gage and I are committing to focus our prayers on these two areas (please join us in agreement)!

Everyone knows that the first year of marriage is stressful. Everyone knows that being a Special Education Teacher is no piece of cake. Everyone knows that trying to sell a house in a dying market is beyond a burden to anyone, let alone a couple who is working with a reduced income. What I learned today is that the body, literally, at times has "a mind of it's own." With their (my Medical Team's) theory, they think that because my body has dealt with muscle tension and back pain for SO many (about 10) years, my body does not know how to reduce the tension once something triggers it. This is all connected to nerves and neurons and bruised muscle tissue... a lot of things that are out of my control, but some that are also controllable. I'm fascinated and terrified at the same time by this information! The hope is that the Pain Management Specialist can re-train my body to respond to pain and the things that cause pain so that my healing may come. I am believing for this - please believe with me!

Again, I thank you ALL for your love, encouragement and support! Thank you for praying for me!

Doctor's Orders

Hi Prayer Warriors!

God sure is moving since we started this Prayer Chain! After talking to my head nurse last week The Surgeon called an "emergency appointment" for me for tomorrow at 7:30 am. He doesn't know why I am still experiencing such severe pain and symptoms and doesn't want to wait until my November appointment to see me. My wonderful husband and my mother are coming with me to be my advocates. I am hoping that we leave there with MANY solutions to whatever "challenges" are causing me to have such extreme back pain and to experience such a slow and "abnormal" recovery.

If you are able, please send prayers that all goes well tomorrow. I know that, because of you, I was able to get this faster appointment!

The Power of Prayer

It’s been a little while since I’ve sent an update on my recovery. While I will give you a glimpse of what recovery life has looked like for me, the purpose of this email is to promote healing!
A wise woman reminded me yesterday of the power of prayer. Another wise woman, over a year ago, lent me a book called “God’s Prescription for Divine Health.” I have decided to combine the wisdom of both of these fabulous ladies and call forth a prayer chain.
The people that I have chosen to send this email to are either believers or people who believe in the power of prayer and/or healing thoughts – and you are all people who want the best for me and for me to recover as soon as possible.
I believe that I will be healed. I also believe that you could possibly help me in that healing process. Gage and I decided that at 4:00 pm everyday we are going to stop and say a prayer for my healing. I am asking each of you to do this, too!

I recognize that not everyone on this email list may know how to pray… I want to assure you that there is no right or wrong way to pray! One example could be for you to simply stop what you are doing at 4:00 pm and meditate on my healing. Another example would be to say, “God, I thank you for the healing that you are doing in my friend, Stephanie. Please complete the healing work you have started in her.”

For those of you who have asked me for specifics on where I am in my recovery so you may pray specifically, here they are:
- The challenges that I face daily are severe back pain and lack of physical endurance; this also, at times, leads to feelings of sadness or stress because I can’t live the life of a “normal” 30-year-old.
- At first, my surgeon told me that the initial recovery process would take only 8 weeks; however, recently, my medical team told me that because of the obstacles I faced over the past 3 months (I had the wrong sized walker, I went back to work 3 weeks too early, I used harmful postural techniques, I “over did it” at work day after day, my initial OT failed to teach me the correct way to go up and down stairs…) the initial phase of my recovery could now take 5 months to 1 year – and the secondary stage of my recovery could take 1-to-2 years.
- Right now, I am only released to work 3 days each week. This adds a financial and professional burden to my life.
Instead of focusing on the pain, I have decided to focus on my healing. In the book, “God’s Prescription for Divine Health” the author said, “Your eyes are the gateway to your body. If your eye (or attention) is on darkness, or the sickness that is in your body, there will be no light to expel it. If, however, the eyes of your heart are trained strictly on the Word, your whole body will eventually be filled with light, and healing will be the result,” (p. 15-16).
Every day, I am looking to God for healing. I am asking you too, friends and family, if you would be willing dedicate 30 seconds/day to my recovery.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Recovery: The First Eight Weeks

I have been encouraged to send an update on my recovery, as it has been about 8 weeks since the Big Surgery and, with juggling recovery, marriage and work, the greatest challenge that Gage and I have had has been keeping in touch with those we love - and keeping you all informed on my progress and our lives. Here goes:

The good:
- Gage and I are still happy and totally in love! We both have "love coaches" in our lives who encourage us to put our marriage - specifically, our spouses - first (after God, of course). We are dedicated to growing as a married couple - I love you, honey!!!!
- Gage has a great class of kids this year so he actually enjoys going to work every day (as opposed to the class from you-know-where with whom he worked last year - poor guy!)
- I am working my way back into the working scene (more details below).
- I am up to 1.5 miles a day (with my walker, my husband and my pup).
- Since living with a healthy vegetarian, Gage has lost over 10 lbs (whew whoo, hot stuff!!!!)
- Lady is cute as ever and knows to be "gentle" with me (and "ruff" with Gage :)
- My students all think that it is their job to take care of me when I am at school (awe!). They are even better at calling me Mrs. Dodson than I am - WOW!!!!!
- My Building Team at work has been incredibly supportive - they carry my things, they re-arranged my classroom so it is functional to my physical needs and they prep the students when I am having a bad day so the kiddos are sympathetic (ha!).
- I made it through turning 30!!!!
- Gage has found a new love in Pickling (jalapenos, garlic, you name it, it's in a jar!!!)
- A friend at work bought me a basket for my walker so that I can be a little more "self-sufficient" and carry small things like a bottle of water or my book and walk at the same time (and yes, I can chew gum, too!).
- My boss has finally stopped giving me trouble about my recovery and has really shown sincere sympathy and flexibility with her demands.
- My school principal donated a super-comfy chair to my room that, when I need to rest, I curl up in and "feel better".
- We had about 2 weeks of great recovery progress (about 2 weeks ago) - my pain level reduced and I was able to decrease my pain meds (last week; however, for some reason, it went back up and I "slipped back a bit" - but at least we know that my body IS CAPABLE of such relief...).
- We have had some friends & family members really pulling through and be our "rocks" of emotional support during moments of craziness, saddness or frustration - We LOVE You!!!!

The challenges:
- I am still in a great deal of pain daily. I consult with my head nurse, Bernie, every few days and she is constantly giving me tips on how to manage the pain. Some work, some don't. However, Bernie is very encouraging, and tells me, "Everybody's body is different. We cannot predict when you will turn your corner, but you must believe that you will get there and keep working towards your goals." I have only been able to make it up to 3 and a half days of work/week this whole month - and last week I had to leave work early unexpectedly on 2 days due to unbearable pain. I guess my "corner" is further away than I had hoped... but she tells me to hang in there. I'm/we're hanging...
- Gage has turned into Super-Husband. The first month back to work, he was waking up at 5:00 am every day so he could get to work 2 hours early, set up his classroom then attend 7 hours of workshops. On his way home, he would run any errands we needed, then once home, he would cook dinner, do the dishes, bathe and walk me (yes,me, not Lady), then get everything ready for he and I to be prepared for the next day. Wow! Superman in action! For the past two weeks, he has been caught-up at work enough to sleep in (you know, until 6:30 am). Now, every morning, Gage follows me to work and is my bell-boy (I discovered that I had been actually hurting my body by trying to carry my walker myself up and down the MANY stairs at my job, so Gage volunteered to walk me into work each day, carry my walker, computer bag and any other teacher-stuff I have.) What a saint!
The Blessing and Turn-Around - Thankfully, things have calmed down a bit. My mom has been so kind as to cook us about 2 meals a week, which has greatly helped us both on the weekend and through the week. Gage and I (well, mostly Gage, but I help when I can) now spend Sundays cooking the rest of the meals for the week and preparing lunches for the whole week so all we have to do is re-heat food after work. We have also (sorry environmentalists - we are doing the best we can) resorted to paper products so the dishes are not piling in the sink and Gage can have at least SOME time to relax after a 14-hour day. Now we just need to get better at using our microwave!
- I am still unable to help Gage with any housework - and will likely not be able to do so for another 4 months to a year - or 2 - yikes! (He only ruined 2 pairs of my jeans and shrunk a few of his t-shirts, so I can't complain too much :)
- The doctor thought I would be done with my walker by the end of August; however, upon returning to work, I began experiencing extreme numbness across my back, down my buttocks and both legs. Until the numbness disappears, I have to continue to use the walker. On the plus side, my arms are getting totally buff from putting so much pressure on them when I use the walker!
- Our social life is almost non-existant. I don't have the energy to go to work and do anything afterwards. And, with all that Gage does to pick up on my slack, he needs as much R&R on the weekend as he can get! Saturdays are usually my "coma" (recovery) days - or the days I spend working on all of the work-related paperwork that I couldn't get to during the work week & Sundays are spent grocery shopping, doing laundry and food prep. I am usually in too much pain to do the things that "normal" people our age (heck, I cannot even do the things my grandparents) do for fun, so when I am up for it, we have friends over who will sit with us on the couch and let me wear sweats and leave when I turn into a pumpkin... We are hoping that this changes soon, because we really miss everyone!!!!
- I am running out of sick days, so if things don't pick-up soon, I will need to fill out a Family Medical Leave Application and try to qualify for Non-paid Leave of Absenses (and, hopefully, I can keep my job at Bristol if I do need to take more time off).
- We are not always up to going to our Church - and we really miss this! It's difficult for me to sit in their chairs without triggering pain. Gage still goes by himself or with our friends when he can; however, if I am in a great deal of pain, my loving husband insists on staying home to take care of me.
- The house is still on the market. While it is under a LOT of clients' lists as a "favorite" property, we still have not gotten any offers...

That covers it for now! I know it can be overwhelming, but we are actually managing :)
Please keep us in your prayers (as I know you have been). Even though it has already been 2 months, we still have a LONG way to go and we can use all your love!
Love,
Steph (and Gage)

For you doctors out there...

What is Spinal Fusion Surgery?

Spinal fusion is a surgical technique used to join two or more vertebrae. Supplementary bone tissue, either from the patient (autograft) or a donor (allograft), is used in conjunction with the body's natural bone growth (osteoblastic) processes to fuse the vertebrae. This procedure is used primarily to eliminate the pain caused by abnormal motion of the vertebrae by immobilizing the vertebrae themselves.

When I finally found my way to the Orthopedic Surgeon's Office, I had experienced low back pain for over 10 years; that is over 1/3 of my life...

When is Spinal Fusion Surgery Necessary?

Certain types of spinal deformity, such as scoliosis, are commonly treated with spinal fusion. Scoliosis is an “S” shaped curvature of the spine that sometimes occurs in children and adolescents. Fusion is indicated for very large curves or for smaller curves that are getting worse.

I was diagnosed with scoliosis when in 1994. I saw a specialist for 3 years; however, was never treated beyond consult. The specialist said that while my curve was "moderate" it was not severe enough for treatment...

Another condition that is treated by fusion surgery is actual or potential instability. Instability refers to abnormal or excessive motion between two or more vertebrae. It is commonly believed that instability can either be a source of back or neck pain or cause potential irritation or damage to adjacent nerves.

During my Junior Year at college (2001), I first began experiencing severe back pain that greatly impacted my mobility and lifestyle. I was prescribed 12 sessions of physical therapy. After the 12th visit, the PT explained that I "knew how" to execute the exercises and as long as I "kept it up" the pain would be minimized...

In 2003, I was the victim of a drunk-driving accident. While my car was totaled, my back was "only sprained." The driver did not have insurance; I was young. I was treated by a chiropractor for a few weeks then released... The pain; however, never ceased.

Spinal fusion is sometimes considered in the treatment of a painful spinal condition without clear instability. A major obstacle to the successful treatment of spine pain by fusion is the difficulty in accurately identifying the source of a patient’s pain. The theory is that pain can originate from painful spinal motion, and fusing the vertebrae together to eliminate the motion will get rid of the pain. Unfortunately, current techniques to precisely identify which of the many structures in the spine could be the source of a patient’s back or neck pain are not perfect. Because it can be so hard to locate the source of pain, treatment of back or neck pain alone by spinal fusion is somewhat controversial. Fusion under these conditions is usually viewed as a last resort and should be considered only after other conservative (nonsurgical) measures have failed.

In 2007 the intense pain that had been in mild remission resurfaced. I saw a chiropractor who asked me, "Do you want to have surgery or do you want to try alternative methods?" Of course, I said, "I do not want to have surgery!" What the doctor failed to tell me was that upon reviewing my x-rays, he saw that I had bulging discs on multiple levels of my spine. He withheld this information so that he could "fix me" himself. I saw this chiropractor for 3 years; at times, I was required to attend three appointments a week; other times, I saw him once every three weeks for "maintenance." Despite the appointments and the adjustments, he never "fixed me..."

In June of 2009, my (then future) mother-in-law suggested that I get an MRI. The results revealed that I have Degenerative Disc Disease. For a year, I saw a Pain Management Specialist. We started with cortisone injections. They didn't work. Then, I went to a radiologist and received 3 rounds of Epidural Steroid Injections. No difference in pain. I was prescribed medication after medication which only masked the pain. The Pain Management Specialist then prescribed another round of physical therapy. I went dutifully every week for months. After no significant changes were made, she recommended that I consult with an Orthopedic Surgeon.

In October of 2009, I saw my surgeon for the first time. He sent me to my third physical therapist. After working diligently with her for months, the doctor finally agreed to a pre-operation procedure called a discogram which would determine if I was a candidate for Spinal Fusion Surgery. Lucky for me, I was...

Recovery following Spinal Fusion Surgery

Recovery following fusion surgery is generally longer than for other types of spinal surgery. Patients generally stay in the hospital for three or four days, but a longer stay after more extensive surgery is not uncommon. A short stay in a rehabilitation unit after release from the hospital is often recommended for patients who had extensive surgery, or for elderly or debilitated patients.

I was scheduled to be in the hospital for 6 days. The surgery went beautifully (as described by my doctor); what was supposed to take 8 hours only took 4 due to lack of complications. The surgeon ordered 6 days of in-patient recovery. (Even thinking about the pain I felt while lying in that hospital bed, I get tears in my eyes...)

By the morning of the day after my surgery, the hospital staff had me sitting up and walking. By day 3, I was doing laps around the hospital floor. By day 4, I was walking stairs. By day 5, I was so desperate to go home, I begged the fellowship doctor to release me. I wanted to go home with my husband.

It also takes longer to return to a normal active lifestyle after spinal fusion than many other types of surgery. This is because you must wait until your surgeon sees evidence of bone healing. The fusion process varies in each patient as the body heals and incorporates the bone graft to solidly fuse the vertebrae together. The healing process after fusion surgery is very similar to that after a bone

In general, the earliest evidence of bone healing is not apparent on X-ray until at least six weeks following surgery. During this time, the patient’s activity is generally restricted. Substantial bone healing does not usually take place until three or four months after surgery. At that time activities may be increased, although continued evidence of bone healing and remodeling may continue for up to a year after surgery.

The length of time required you must be off of work will depend upon both the type of surgery and the kind of job you have. It can vary anywhere from approximately 4-6 weeks for a single level fusion in a young, healthy patient with a sedentary job to as much as 4-6 months for more extensive surgery in an older patient with a more physically demanding occupation.

My doctor released me to return to work at the beginning of the '10-11 school year for half-days for two weeks. I was in my 5th week of recovery. My doctor thought I could return to work full-time at week 7.5. My body told me otherwise...

Following spinal fusion surgery, a postoperative rehabilitation program may be recommended by your surgeon. The rehabilitation program may include back strengthening exercises and possibly a cardiovascular (aerobic) conditioning program, and a comprehensive program custom designed for the patient’s work environment in order to safely get the patient back to work. The decision to proceed with a postoperative rehabilitation program depends upon many factors. These include factors related to the surgery (such as the type and extent of the surgery) as well as factors related to the patient (age, health and anticipated activity level.)

On Christmas Eve of 2010, I will reach my 6-month mark of recovery. I am only working 3 and 1/2 days each week (barely). I am still on pain medication. I still am required to do physical therapy (walking 3 miles) every day. I am still restricted of a "normal" life because the pain is so severe...

At my 4-month check-up, my surgeon told me that I was "an outlier" and that "he did his part" when he successfully completed my surgery. The rest is up to me, even though the pain is real and present daily.

For the past month, I have begun the process of Biofeedback Therapy with a wonderful specialist named Mr. Mark. He was one of the many people who encouraged me to write this blog. This is my story...

Information from:
WWW.SPINE.ORG
And
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_fusion

Home from the Hospital

July 2, 2010

Hi friends and loved ones!

I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for all of your prayers regarding my back surgery! As you know, my surgery was on June 24th - and the entire week before I spent meeting with my "team" of surgeons for pre-op appointments. As taxing as it was then, now that the surgery is over, I realized that all of that prep-work was SO worth it.

God was really with me! My surgery was supposed to last 5-7 hours (without complications) and it went so smoothly that it only lasted 4 HOURS! (Praise God!) Then, I was not supposed to be released from the hospital until Wednesday (of this week), but I "met" all of my PT (physical therapy) and OT (occupational therapy) goals early, so they released me on Tuesday. Believe it or not, even after having major back surgery, my doctor had me sitting up in a chair, standing and walking (a few feet) all THE DAY AFTER SURGERY!!!!!! He just kept making me do more and more as the days went on (I typically saw an OT/PT at least 3 x a day) - and the more he asked of me, the more my body was miraculously able to do! The funniest thing (because you HAVE TO find the humor in this somewhere) is that I, a young 29-year-old, now need a walker - ha (hopefully for just a few months...)!

It is SO good to be home, too! Nurse Gage, I mean my fantastic husband, has truly humbled me with his patience, kindness and love. (Sandy, Chuck, Ed & Karen - you raised a FINE young man!!!)

I thank each of you for your visits, phone calls, cards, flowers and get-well gifts. I strongly believe that it was your love and "positivity" that is helping me have such a strong and blessed recovery. I thank God with all of my heart for bringing each of you into my life!

I will continue to keep you posted as I can (but please don't be offended if I don't email right away - sitting at the computer is not so easy for me right now...). But, please feel free to call the house or Gage (or my cell) if you want.

Much Love and Thanks,
Steph

Life Before Surgery - The Honeymoon

The Honeymoon

Gage and I were blessed to go on an European Vacation and Cruise for our Honeymoon. Prior to the trip, I was terrified of the flight; not of the plane going down, rather, I knew that sitting for long periods of time was a major trigger for excruciating pain for my back. I consulted with both my surgeon and Pain Management Specialist. They offered the same advice: get up from my seat as often as possible, let the flight attendant know of my back condition and request that I be allowed to stand as often as possible, refill my prescriptions and take double-doses as necessary and walk as often as possible when landed.

On the flight down, God was really with us! Our plan was only 3/4 booked so Gage and I were able to convince a fellow passenger to switch seats with us. For the entire 10-hour flight, I stretched across 3 chairs (and my husband's lap). I took a Tylenol PM and slept like a baby. When we arrived to Rome I was refreshed and ready to tackle the city - time change and all!

The doctors recommended that I bring a good pair of tennis shoes for walking. Gage and I averaged 5-10 miles EACH day while in Rome. There were so many majestic sights that we couldn't allow ourselves to miss even one!

Our vacation started with 2 days in Rome, then we boarded the cruise and headed to Genoa, Italy, Toulan, France, Barcelona, Spain, Palma de Mallorca, Spain & Sardinia, Italy.

The flight back; however, was just the beginning of a long road of pain that I had in store for me. Unlike the trip down, the plane was over-booked. Because I was in so much pain, at a lay-over in Detroit, Gage and I opted to fly out the following morning in hopes that with a break from the long plane ride, my body would better handle the next trip. Eventually, we made it home and 7 days later, I was at the hospital for the first of many pre-operation appointments.

I don't know what I would have done had I not had the wedding and the honeymoon (and my new husband, of course) to take my mind away from the fears of surgery...

Life Before Surgery - Becoming Mrs. Dodson

On May 28, 2010 I became Mrs. Stephanie Dodson.

Our parents threw us a beautiful wedding at Kemoll's "Top of the Met." Our closest friends and family were there to support us. From June 7th to Our Honeymoon, I knew that I could "not think" about my up-coming surgery and I could dive into being a bride... and then a wife.