December 3, 2010
Hello Loved Ones,
I know that I normally start these updates with a Praise Report - and while I'll get to that, my mind is in another place and all I can think to do is send out this plea to the "universe" - to my prayer warriors - and see what boomerangs in return...
Today, I feel helpless. This week was my first attempt at working more than 3 days at Bristol in over 2 months. I thought I was ready. My body "felt" ready. My attitude was ready. The goal in my mind had been made... and so this morning, on the 4th morning of this work-week, I went to work for a half-day.
I was so proud of myself as the alarm went off this morning! I thought to myself, "I can do this!" and then I went to work. Nothing particularly "bad" happened while I was there. In fact, upon leaving, I thought to myself, "I should have just planned on staying the whole day" - I had so much adrenaline pumping and my mind was so filled with deadlines and lesson plans that I actually debated whether or not to cancel my afternoon sub... But I left anyways, following my FMLA recommendations.
Following additional doctor's orders, I went to the gym to try to get in my PT, which consists of strictly walking. Now that the weather is too cold to walk outside, I have been trying the treadmill at my gym. Apparently, the treadmill actually works my low-back muscles more efficiently than when I walk outside. On a positive note, it activates muscles that had been "resting" when they should have been healing; on the other hand, however, every step I take is painful. And yet I keep walking...
Being the dutiful patient that I am, I walked for as long as I could, then I came home. With a sandwich in one hand and a heating pad in the other I landed on the couch - and then it hit me... This week was hard. I mean really, really hard. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. The adrenaline from this morning had depleted and I was left with a shell of a body and a massive amount of pain running from my upper right shoulder to my left front oblique, across my entire low back and even down to my left hip and leg...
I told Gage last night that I wished I never had the surgery in the first place. I don't "fit" the category of where a "typical" patient should be in the recovery process; I have to see specialist after specialist and yet none of them have relieved the pain; I am going on 4 months of smaller and smaller paychecks and being expected to do the work of a full-time employee; my social life is non-existent; I am in as much pain - if not more - after the surgery than I was prior to it... and even my faith is slipping...
Where is my healing, Lord?
Now that my rant is complete, here comes the plea... I feel guilty asking this of any of you - for I already ask you to stop and pray for me daily at 4:00 pm, but I am drawn to ask it anyway...
Can you please encourage me?
Can you please tell me that "One day, I'll be better..." that "One day, I will run again; one day, I will be free from the bondage of pain; One day, I will be able to go to a movie at the theater and I will be able to go on the annual family float trip..." Can anyone tell me that one day I won't have to make myself go to work because I can't make it with one more shriveled paycheck; I'll go because I am physically ready to be there? Can someone please tell me that God's plan is so great that all of this physical and emotional suffering that I feel is not in vain?
Ahhh..... (sigh)....
But, please believe me, I am not blind to my blessings. I praise God that:
- I have gone over 3 weeks WITHOUT my walker - I can and I have walked 2 miles every day for the past 2 weeks!
- I have been able to decrease some of my medications (even while increasing my work load and walking).
- I made it through 5 hours of our Thanksgiving celebration (my usual expiration time is 3-4 hours)!
- I found a pain management specialist who I believe has helped control some of my low-back pain - and who, upon receiving info on my sudden change-of-insurance "gifted" me with a decreased deductible and weekly co-pays because he said, "I'm worth it..." (wow)!
- Gage and I have been able to bless others while dealing with our own financial woes!
- Gage is willing to pick up on the "slack" that a typical wife does around the house without a second thought or murmurer from his lips!
- My dear friends at work have given me gifts of encouragement and healing!
- And, I made it through an "extra" half-day of work this week.
As always, I am sorry to talk your ear off or fill up a half-hour of your time with my rants, my raves and my personal pleas. Thank you to each and every one of you for believing for me when I am in doubt and for being a part of my recovery process.
With Love,
Steph
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