Eye on the Ball

For Christmas, my dear friend Danielle gave me a Friendship Devotional. Our goal is to, together, read one page each day and then once a week, we are to journal-and-connect about something in which we read. The book is amazing; it even has a page on the 7th day called "To Ponder with a Friend" that includes 4 discussion questions or goals. Because Danielle and I both lead demanding lives, we decided that we would choose 1 topic question to focus on together.

This week, the question that struck out the most to me was:

“There is something about the faith of a child… Have you ever been touched by a child’s faith and belief in God or a prayer a child has prayed for you? If so, write or share about this. What did you learn from that child?” (Aldrich & Fuller, The One Year Women’s Friendship Devotional, 2008).

Even though, working in a school with students with special needs, I encounter more than one moment each day where I am “touched” by a child; however, when I read this topic, my mind kept returning to a moment I shared with my faithful pooch, Lady, about 4 years ago.

My friend Melissa came over to my old apartment with her dog, Bailey. She and Bailey were playing with Lady and me when something in particular caught my eye… When it was Lady’s turn to play fetch, she wouldn’t keep her eye off the ball. Her body was in the “ready” position, her happy tail wagged expectantly, and she was genuinely smiling. I said to Melissa, “I want to always look towards God that way.”

Dogs are such amazing creatures! Their love is so unconditional; they never question your commands; every encounter with you is as cheerful as the next; they are loyal; they are forgiving. I’ve often thought that we could learn a lot from our pets!

I was so touched by my metaphor with Lady’s eye-on-the-ball as it related to my walk with Christ, that I tried to capture it on film; however, even the pictures didn’t do the moment justice. Nonetheless, whenever I play fetch with Lady, she never fails to demonstrate the same excitement, trust and anticipation as she did that day when we played with Melissa and Bailey.

I wish I could say that my walk with Jesus has been as loyal; I wish I could say that I have never doubted His commands or the challenges brought into my life. I wish I could truthfully say that I have always kept my eyes on God even when suffering or confused…

This past week has been particularly challenging for me and, I admit, I have not responded to God’s tests with unconditional love and loyalty. Regarding my recovery, I learned that these next two weeks are going to be tough to say the least. Dr. Mark has repeatedly suspected that my pain has a root beyond my back; two weeks ago, using muscle-contraction sensors, we deduced that there are some major discrepancies between my left low-back and right low-back muscles, in addition to suspect hip-joint conditions. He offered two theories:
1. Even though the spinal fusion surgery may have helped my disc problems in my low back, if “the mechanics” (as Mark refers to my body) are not in place, neither the Biofeedback therapy nor the surgery are going to relieve my back and leg pain.
2. Based on the sensor-responses through the Biofeedback therapy, we noted that even when standing on my right foot and putting all my weight on the right side of my body, my muscles showed no sign of contraction or distress (whereas they did on my left side and, frankly, should have); Mark’s theory is that if is not related to a hip-problem, then it may be a neurological problem.

“What’s the plan?” Dr. Mark asked me upon discussing these theories and my up-coming February 4th appointment with my Orthopedic Surgeon. Ideally, I would:
- continue Biofeedback Therapy once/week
- get an MRI for my hips and back
- get a Physical Therapy Evaluation
- consult with a Pain Management Specialist
- consult with a Primary Physician.
Realistically, I cannot physically do all of these things, so on Tuesday the 18th, I have my MRI appointment; on Tuesday the 25th I will have a physical therapy evaluation; I will cancel my Biofeedback appointments during those two weeks and then see Dr. Mark on February 1st then take all of the gathered reports to The Surgeon on February 4th. Additionally, my Primary Physician cannot see me until April and I will attempt to have a phone consult with my previous Pain Management Specialist before I see The Surgeon.

Whew! Just thinking of the busyness of the weeks ahead of me is exhausting! And, as I admitted above, hearing the news that my pain could be caused by more than my recovering back, I was deeply discouraged. I cried continuously for two days; I withdrew from my husband, my family and my friends; I found tears welling in my eyes at work at inappropriate times; and, instead of giving my concerns to God and asking my Prayer Warriors to fight for me, I literally turned off the lights in my home and tried to hide from the pain, my schedule and my reality.

On day 3 of my dark-hole existence, I read something inspirational in my Devotional; then I returned to the Discussion Questions. As always, Lady was at my side, head in my lap while tears dripped onto her fur, when God reminded me of that day, years ago, when I played fetch with her…

Lady doesn’t care when I throw the ball or how many times I play with her each week; she just knows that if she brings me a toy, I will throw it for her. Lady doesn’t mind if I am an hour late feeding her; she just knows that I will always give her food. Lady doesn’t expect me to pet her 1,000 times a day; she just knows that I will never ignore or neglect her. In looking at my (six-year-old) pup, I remembered how I should be looking to God.

In order for me to keep my eyes to the Lord, I recognize that I cannot question Him as often as I do; for I need to “just know” that He will always care for me and provide, even when discouraged, in pain or penniless. I must stop trying to control every aspect of my life; I need to “let go and let God” take over. I will start sharing with my loved ones my challenges and my cries, for God has placed them in my life to lift me up to Him when I am too weak to lift my own eyes to heaven. Most importantly, I will not give up on my faith and the faith that God’s plans are much greater than my own.