Baby Fever

Can a woman who had spinal fusion surgery from L/4-L/5 to the sacrum – that FAILED – and is now diagnosed with Failed Back Syndrome and is on Disability – have a child?

When Gage and I got married on May 28, 2010, our timeline included:
- Honeymoon June 3th – 14th, 2010
- Spinal Fusion Surgery June 24, 2010
- 8 week Recovery
- Return to work on August 8, 2010
- Get Pregnant during the summer of 2011.

Perfect, right? Wrong. I never recovered from my surgery. I never returned to work full-time throughout the entire 2010-2011 school year. My body was not ready to get pregnant in June of 2011. Our timeline shifted… again.

Last June 2011, Dr. Julie knew about my dreams of being a mother; however, she wanted me to research my options. Dr. Julie’s main concern was because my body is fused to the sacrum, I may not be able to physically expand in the pelvic region and carry a baby. She feared that if I were to get pregnant, I may have a higher chance for a miscarriage once the baby grew to a point beyond what my body could stretch. Dr. Julie was aware that I had an upcoming appointment with my Obstetrician, Dr. Ann, and she coached me with questions to ask that would better determine if it was physically possible to get pregnant and be a mother. Dr. Julie wanted me to be prepared for the news that I would very likely not be able to have children.

When I left Dr. Julie’s office, I felt defeated. By that point, I had already received Disability and was considered a disabled person. Gage and I knew that having a baby was not something we were going to pursue immediately; nonetheless, we wanted to know our options. When Dr. Julie warned us that pregnancy may not be in the cards, I was devastated. I wanted to be a mother of FOUR! I wanted to have a natural birth! I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother while my kids crawled through the first years of their lives. I wanted to give a family to my husband. Were these dreams possible?

Gage attended my appointment with Dr. Ann. We had our list of questions and information to pass onto her regarding my surgery and restrictions. As we waited in Dr. Ann’s office we were terrified! The fate of our family rested in the words that Dr. Ann was about to speak.

After reviewing all of the information regarding the specifics of my fusion, the medications I was currently taking and the amount of pain I endured daily, Dr. Ann gave us her recommendations. The great news was that Dr. Ann determined that I very likely would not have a High-Risk Pregnancy, even with the fusion. She explained that oftentimes, women who have fusions are unable to receive an epidural and that there may be a higher chance of having a Cesarean Section. She reviewed my list of medications and warned that while ideally I would not take any medications during pregnancy; her main concerns were with the Narcotics (for pain) and Gabapentin (which I was taking due to numbness down my legs and arms). Apparently, the low-dosage of Valium that I took to control muscle spasm, the Mobic, which is an anti-inflammatory drug and the Ultratram, which is a non-narcotic pain reliever, were not harmful to a fetus. Regarding the position of my pelvis, Dr. Ann told me that a woman’s body naturally stretches, moves and basically does whatever it has to in order to make sure that a baby will survive during pregnancy. Even with my fused sacrum, my body will find a way to carry a child. Lastly, she explained that due to my small size and fusion, there was a high probability that I would require bed rest during a majority of my pregnancy, as the larger my belly grew, the more pain I would endure. Dr. Ann assured us that she would take care of me during the pregnancy; she even said that I could get pregnant that day and have a healthy pregnancy and baby!

Gage and I were very thankful for the news that I could get pregnant. The additional information was scary, especially to my protective husband who makes it his responsibility to keep me out of as much pain as possible. However, after a deep discussion and weeks of prayer, I told Gage that if our goal is to have a family, I was not only willing, but I wanted to take on the risks of bed-rest, less medication and the increase in pain. After all, I was accustomed to daily pain. If that pain would one day lead to a child, I would suffer for the outcome. I would happily suffer for our baby, for our family.

On the other hand, Gage and I agreed that we would push back our Timeline. We knew that at the end of the summer of 2011 I was going to start my PT Bootcamp, which was promising to rehabilitate my body, make me stronger, decrease my pain and prepare me to return to work and start a family. I also made it my mission to stop taking the “harmful” pills so that I could be as drug-free as possible. Gage and I decided to set more realistic goals. We would start a family when:
- My pain drastically decreased.
- I was on little to no medication.
- My body was noticeably stronger.
- I gained some of the weight that I lost from the surgery.
- I could take care of myself without Gage’s help.
- I could lift/carry a child without pain.
- Our relationship was in a healthy place that would allow for us to start a family without Gage constantly worrying about my pain AND when I could care for a child without needing Gage to care for me at the same time.

Then the unthinkable happened in July of 2011, just one month after that trip to Dr. Ann. We thought we were pregnant. My period always came like clockwork and suddenly, I was late. Not only that, but I was experiencing early pregnancy symptoms: unexplainable nausea, heightened emotions, food-cravings and I was exhausted all of the time.

Gage and I were terrified and uncontrollably exhilarated all at once. This was NOT part of the plan. We basically held our breath for weeks. We wanted this baby more than anything, but we also knew that my body had a ways to go before I could feel confident carrying a child and then caring for a baby.

We finally submitted to the idea that we were pregnant; that being pregnant was going to be difficult. Painful. Stressful. We could be judged. We could lose my disability approval. We would both have to give a lot to get through it… It was going to be exciting. Magnificent. Fascinating. The best thing to happen to our marriage.

My 31st birthday was approaching and we did not want to tell anyone our secret. We also were not ready to take the actual pregnancy test. The fear of the risks related to the pregnancy was nothing compared to the happiness that the idea of growing our family brought us. We did not want to know the truth. We, even me, the perfectionist, the planner, the organization-freak, wanted to NOT know for sure…

Just before my Birthday Party, I met my sister, Bonnie, for dinner. I could not keep this secret from her. When I told my very protective younger sibling, she smiled and hugged me. She did not judge me. She did not berate me about the difficulties a pregnancy could bring to my recovery. She told me that she was happy for me.

My sister’s response was just what I needed to finally know the truth. The eve before my Birthday Bash, Gage came home with a pregnancy test.

It was negative.

Gage Googled – he did not believe it. He even learned that a test could show a false-negative, just not a false-positive. We wanted to believe that the test was wrong. We were also partially relieved, thinking that the test was correct. So, we waited.


The next day we received the official answer. Mother Nature brought me my monthly gift and our baby-bubble was shattered. We cried. We laughed. We determined that it was for the best and we said we would move on with life. But, we did not give up on the idea that one day, I will get pregnant. One day, we will have a house filled with children and the battle-wounds to prove it. Just not that summer…

A few months ago, after my wonderful Performance Review of November 2011, after I successfully weaned off of all Narcotics and Gabapentin, after my endurance improved and my pain decreased, we were asked to babysit our friends’, Steven and Megan, adorable baby, Judah. For the first time since at least a year before the surgery, I could take care of an eight-month baby! I could easily and freely hold him, I could bend forward and scoop him into my arms, I could crawl next to him on the floor, I could lay down on the carpet and I could feed him and change his diaper. I could do it!

I was so excited, I told my PT, Nancy, about the experience. She, too, was elated! This real-life practice was just the news she needed to feel more comfortable with the idea of me one day getting pregnant. Nancy was not worried as much about the pregnancy as she was of the baby. Could I take care of a child alone without hurting myself? That October 2011 night, I proved that I could. Yes, I was a little sore the next day from all of the bending, carrying and playing… But it was worth it.

Since then, Gage and I have started taking a more pro-active approach to pregnancy. Yesterday, we went together to see Dr. Wayne, my pain management doctor. Months ago, during an office visit, I mentioned to him that Gage and I wanted to get pregnant possibly that year. Dr. Wayne, like many of my other Specialists, was leery of the idea of me having a baby. He was mostly concerned with whether the medication would affect the fetus; he wanted to make sure I would gain weight before I got pregnant and he wanted to find ways to help my small body carry such a large frontal load during the final months of pregnancy. However, at yesterday’s appointment, Dr. Wayne was very positive about the experience! He congratulated me for independently stopping the Narcotics and Gabapentin and for gaining the recommended six pounds. He happily reviewed my PT information and noted that I have made great strides in my recovery. Then, he started making suggestions about baby-corsets (or baby belts) that I could purchase that would help me shift the weight of the fetus off of my spine and center it with my body during pregnancy. Another doctor was on the baby board with Gage and me!

While this news is wonderful, Gage and I continue to be realistic. We still have our goals. We still know that right now, we are limited. We understand that a few nights of babysitting is nothing compared to the trials of raising a child. We are not fooling ourselves into believing that I will not have painful days, that I will “glow” all of the time during my pregnancy and that having a baby will be just as “easy” for us as it is for all of our non-disabled friends. (I say “easy” with sarcasm, my parental friends). However, what we do have is hope.

Gage prays over my body, my future pregnancies, our future children, our future abilities as parents and our marriage EVERY DAY. Whether that pregnancy happens next summer or we end up adopting a child in five years, Gage has given our family hope that we WILL be parents. And, we will be good ones at that!

In June of 2011, I was told by one doctor that I may never be able to carry a child. The following July, we thought I was pregnant. Early that August, we put pregnancy on hold. On August 30, 2011, my PT Team started a Treatment Program that would help make me strong enough to not only get pregnant, but to care for my baby. Yesterday (January 11, 2012), another doctor confirmed that pregnancy is in my future, if I want it to be. Every day, I pray with my husband over our marriage, our household, our family and our future. One day, our house will be filled with a family. I believe that God places desires on our heart that He wants to fulfill. One day, we will announce to all of you that we are pregnant. Until then, please pray with us…