Who Will I Be?

I recently received an unexpected phone call. Last April, when I began my journey towards my Disability Extension from Disability Provider A, I completed mountains of paperwork for various organizations. I was so afraid. All three of my physicians had told me that I would NOT get approved for Disability the first time that I tried. They told me to “Keep my head up,” and “Don’t get discouraged,” and that “No one ever gets approved the first time they apply.” These specialists then assured me that they would “complete the application paperwork as many times as necessary until I am approved.” I was told story after story from not only these doctors, but from family members, friends and co-workers – all with the same sad tale: they knew of someone who had a terrible health condition and who was denied Disability Benefits.

“Hello, may I speak to Stephanie Dodson,” the stranger on the other line greeted.
“This is she,” I responded.
“Stephanie, this is Jeanne from Public School Retirement System.”
“Oh, hi,” I tried racking my brain. Who was this woman? Did I call her and forget and now she is calling me back? Why did I call her? I thought that I had paid into my retirement system already. I took care of all of that months ago, didn’t I? What does she want? What is wrong NOW?
“I apologize that it has taken me so long to call you,” Jeanne from PSRS began, “But our Medical Advisors were in the office today and they approved your Disability Retirement Application.”
“What?” I was shocked. I had completely forgotten that, when I had completed my paperwork to become a fully vested teacher in the retirement system, I ended up discussing my medical situation with a PSRS representative. Within that conversation, the representative encouraged me to accept a Disability Retirement Application. I filled out the application at the same time as I worked on Disability Provider A’s Evaluation Form and had been so consumed with the Extension Approval that I had not remembered to follow up with PSRS.

PSRS approved me for Disability Retirement.

But, what did this mean?

I wrote down Jeanne’s contact number, along with the information that she stated so matter-of-factly through the phone and I asked if I could consider the proposition before I accepted the offer.

Why was PSRS approving me on the first try? Why did Disability Provider A approve me on the first try? Why am I different from all of the other stories that I was told? I cannot help but think that I must be one of the worst cases that any Disability Provider has ever seen if I am going to get approved on the first try with two different companies. Am I really THAT disabled? Is my recovery really THAT hopeless?

What exactly was PSRS offering? They want me to retire from teaching. They want to be my Disability Provider. They want to help me.

I knew that this was good news, but I was looking for the catch, as there is always a catch.

I cannot benefit from Disability Retirement until I retire from Special School District, where I am currently considered an employee on Leave of Absence. Following the “Rule of 80” I am supposed to be eligible to retire when I am 55 years old. I am 31. I have NEVER heard of anyone retiring at such a young age. Have you?

I could not bring myself to do it. No matter how much of a benefit that PSRS was offering my family... I. Could. Not. Retire.

The other day, I was running errands and a sales person asked for my email address. As many of you know, it is steph2teach@emaildomain. When I gave the sales person the address he said, “Oh, you’re a teacher!”
“Yes, I am,” I said. I did not even consider the fact that I had not taught in over a year. My name is Mrs. Dodson. I am a special education teacher. I am a teacher. It’s what I do. It’s who I am.

If I retire, what am I? Who am I?

Not long ago, I made a new friend named Hailey. Hailey and I had a very deep conversation about life the other day. Hailey married her high school sweetheart at age 18. They could not wait to start a family and soon after marriage, they had four children together. Then, something terrible happened. Her husband committed a crime and was sent to jail. Hailey tried everything that she could do to support her four children, all under the age of five, but it was never enough. Since Hailey began a family at such a young age, she and her husband decided that Hailey’s career would be a stay-at-home mom. Any mother can tell you that motherhood is a full-time job, and Hailey was good at it. No, she is great at it. Now, Hailey is expected to give up her position in the family and get a job. But, she has no experience, no education beyond high school and no professional training. Because of her background, Hailey could only get entry-level jobs at extremely low-paying companies. After she paid for day care for all four kids, filled her car with gas and went to the grocery store for the week, she was left owing more money than making it. What was Hailey to do? She turned to her family for support, moved in with her parents and agreed to keep her role of Caregiver.

Even though Hailey believed that she was following her purpose in life, she explained to me that others did not accept her decision – even some of her close friends and family members judged her. People called her lazy for not working; they thought she was not being a good mother for not financially supporting her children on her own. They knew of the path that led Hailey to her situation, but they still condemned her. Hailey cried to me, saying, “Our society does not value people who put their families first. They want you to put your career before anything else, and if you do not have a career, you are seen as no one and worth nothing.”

Unfortunately, I knew exactly what Hailey was talking about. Even though no one has directly said to me, "You are lazy. You need to try harder to recover. You are nothing without your career," I felt that way. I FEEL that way. Whenever I run into someone whom I have not seen in years - who does not know of my situation - I become embarrassed. I do NOT talk about my disability. I speak as if I am still teaching, as if I go to work every day. It's easier that way... There is less explaining to do. There is no judgement. There are no questions of "Why don't you get a second opinion?" which I HAVE. And there are no, "Oh, you hang in there, you'll get better!" which I likely WON'T. In fact, I ran into a fellow teacher at my old school the other day. She asked me how my back was and I told her that my doctors told me that my disability is permanent and that I can no longer teach. She asked, "So what are you DOING?" What?!? I just told her I am disabled! And, she of all people saw how terribly difficult it was for me to work that last year I taught! I felt extremely judged and worthless. For some reason, everyone is more comfortable with the idea of me teaching than with the truth...

Is Hailey right? If I retire, do I lose my worth as a human being?

I know that the best thing for me to do is to retire. By retiring, I am guaranteeing a monthly income to my household, even if it is significantly smaller than any salary that I have ever made as an adult. By retiring, I am ensuring that I will have the funds to cover my new, ridiculously expensive health insurance costs. By retiring, I an guaranteeing myself and my family a future - one which we can COUNT ON. We do not need to wait every 12 months to get re-approved for a situation that is not changing. We will have benefits for the rest of my life. I find extreme comfort in this security. I no longer feel like I am trapped, like I did when I wrote the blog "Permanent Without a Plan."

But... By retiring, I am saying good-bye to Mrs. Dodson. By retiring, I am conceding to the fact that I still have twenty-four years left to pay off the enormous student loans that I took out in order to get a career that I will never, ever again access.

As of August 31, 2012, I am no longer a teacher. I am no longer contributing to society in the workforce. I no longer have a career.

Without a career to grant me a title, who am I? Who will I be, besides... DISABLED?

What defines YOU outside of your career? Who are YOU outside of your job? Leave a comment or send me an email to share your thoughts!