Checks From God

“Blessed Be Your Name”
Matt Redman

“Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name…

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name…

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name”

They played this song in church a few weeks ago, and my heart swelled. Every time we sang the words, “You give and take away,” the last three years of my life flashed before me. We all know what has been taken away from me. But, did you know that I have been blessed as well?

First of all, I am coming to terms with my disability. Just as important, I believe that my loved ones are coming to terms with my condition as well. This is SUCH a blessing to me! The numbers of people who are willing to make accommodations to allow me to visit with them more often and with less pain are incredible. This makes life so much better.

Secondly, I am definitely being provided for! With a LOT of research, I finally understand the Disability System. Starting in September, I will be receiving partial benefits from not one but TWO Disability Providers. I am also awaiting approval from a third. Additionally, I am applying for a Student Loan Disability Discharge Program. Once I am approved, my loans are monitored for three more years. After the 3-year monitoring process is complete, then the balance of my loan – from the initial date of my disability – is FORGIVEN.

Thirdly, Gage and I are comfortably learning to living within our means. There have been times since I stopped working when we have felt like we were broke. But, we never once had to borrow a penny, put an item on the credit card or postpone a payment. We never went without food; we never risked the roof over our head. We put our money where our faith is and never went a month without tithing or giving to charity. For this, we feel very accomplished and our new lifestyle has become less and less of a sacrifice and more like a new way of living. It is like a debt-diet. Just like any nutritionist will tell you that “There is no such thing as a diet, just an alternative way of life,” I believe that any financial advisor would tell you the same thing about spending and saving money.

My mom taught me the phrase “Checks from God” when I was young. She used the term to refer to those unexpected extras that greet you when you least expect it. Whether it was a refund from an over-paid bill, a belated Birthday check or an At-A-Boy gift card from your boss, these generous surprises were always acknowledged and a special “Thank You” was raised in prayer. I believe that the two Disability Providers are my monthly Checks from God. This is also true for the Disability Discharge Program that I found and for the endless opportunities that arise where we are able to add to our Nest Egg. We are often surprised with gifts that we receive in the mail from our loved ones, for the $20 items that we sell on Amazon or the unexpected gas that a neighbor puts in our car (yes, this has happened!).

I could focus on everything that has been taken away from me since I first threw out my back three years ago on July 24, 2009. I could focus on everything that I do not buy when I go shopping or all of the extras that we have cut from our budget and lifestyle. But instead, I want to look at everything that has been given to me. Every time I post a blog, I am humbled by the influx of support that you show me. Not a single email, comment or Facebook post goes unnoticed. Thank you for being a part of the blessings in my life!

Toilet Paper

When I first moved out on my own, I adapted surprisingly well from living with my parents and roommates to being completely independent. The week I signed my Teacher’s Contract, I immediately scouted apartments. I knew exactly which part of town I wanted to live in and I was confident I could afford the rent as well as all of the living expenses. I made sure to have the basics: utilities, phone, water and I could even afford cable! I was not fazed by the cost of groceries or laundry detergent. However, it was toilet paper that always made me cringe. Was the expensive brand really worth it? What was the big deal about 2-ply? Can I get by only buying a 4-pack or do I need to stock-up?

For some reason, no matter how much I spent at Target on toothpaste, baking soda or Windex, it was the cost of toilet paper that I could not accept. However, eventually I submitted to the fact that TP was as a necessity. Eventually, I stopped cringing. Finally, I agreed that the “good stuff” was worth it.

Health Care is my new Toilet Paper.

I explained to you that, as a retiree, I can keep my current insurance on my group health plan by paying the monthly premium of $517 to Special School District. When I first heard that number, I was appalled! How could one person be expected to pay that for health care each and every month? Then, I continued my research. I called various insurance companies and requested information for private insurance. Immediately, one company told me that I was uninsurable. Another company hesitated, then sent me a detailed application. Upon completion of the application, I was again rejected. Frustrated, I reached out to my PT Facility’s Office Manager and asked for direction. She suggested that I contact her insurance broker. She assured me that, out of all of the insurance companies available, there had to be at least ONE who would accept me and my preexisting condition.

After contacting the broker, I received this email:

Stephanie,
Unfortunately, you would be an automatic decline for individual health insurance, based on your previous medical history. Since you have the option for COBRA after your group coverage ends, you would also not be eligible for the Missouri Health Insurance Pool. I am sorry that I wasn't able to help you! After your COBRA runs out, I would be happy to help you obtain MHIP coverage.
Please let me know if you have any questions.
Thanks,
Ashley

Seriously? I was rejected again – but this time, by THEE agent of all agents. That settled it. Private Insurance is NOT an option for me.

We contacted Gage’s school district, praying that their Group Plan would me more affordable that SSD’s plan. WRONG! His district charges $590.00 per month for spouses.

As I said in my previous blog, Medicare and Medicaid were no longer options, either. Either we were above the poverty line (Thank God!) or we had too much in a savings account or I did not have the “right kind of” disability according to their eligibility requirements.

I then got out my calculator. $517 each month is $6,204 per year. Would I save money by just paying for all of my doctors and appointments out-of-pocket? Since I require weekly PT visits, I started with that office. Because I have such a strong relationship with The Facility, the Office Manager and The President offered me a deal: Instead of the regular $200+ cost per visit, they would offer me a cash discount of $50 for the first 30 minutes and $25 for each additional 15 minutes. My visits are 45 minutes long = $75.00 each week. That is about $375 per month for PT alone. Okay – that is cheaper… Maybe I’ve got something here. Then, I looked at my last doctor’s bill. A 20-minute check-up with my Primary Care Physician costs about $150.00. And, a visit with my Pain Specialist is the same, without the cost of any injections, which are an additional $200 dollars. This does NOT count my prescriptions. For one medication alone, without insurance, the cost is $80.00. I currently am on 5 prescription medications each month. If each cost an average of $80, then that is an additional $400 per month. During a busy month, where I saw each doctor, PT and filled my prescriptions, I would pay a minimum of $1,275.00.

After all of the calculations and options, SSD’s Group Health Plan of $517 per month was starting to look a lot more appealing than venturing out without any insurance at all.

Bottom line, I need health care – and right now, I do not have choices because of my disability. I can pay my district $517 or I can pay Gage’s district $590 each month. Both offer the same options: health care, vision and dental with 60 PT visits and comparable co-payments and deductibles.

Thankfully, God is finding unexpected ways to bless me and the incredible cost of monthly premiums is not as terrifying as was when I first discovered the amount two months ago. I cannot wait to share with you exactly what these blessings are in my next blog – so keep reading!

For now, it looks like as of August 25th, I will be taking over my monthly payments and shelling out over $500 for health care. Health care is about 100 TIMES the amount of toilet paper, but hopefully, one day, I will adjust to this new expense just like, years ago, I came to the realization that you cannot live without TP…

Who Will I Be?

I recently received an unexpected phone call. Last April, when I began my journey towards my Disability Extension from Disability Provider A, I completed mountains of paperwork for various organizations. I was so afraid. All three of my physicians had told me that I would NOT get approved for Disability the first time that I tried. They told me to “Keep my head up,” and “Don’t get discouraged,” and that “No one ever gets approved the first time they apply.” These specialists then assured me that they would “complete the application paperwork as many times as necessary until I am approved.” I was told story after story from not only these doctors, but from family members, friends and co-workers – all with the same sad tale: they knew of someone who had a terrible health condition and who was denied Disability Benefits.

“Hello, may I speak to Stephanie Dodson,” the stranger on the other line greeted.
“This is she,” I responded.
“Stephanie, this is Jeanne from Public School Retirement System.”
“Oh, hi,” I tried racking my brain. Who was this woman? Did I call her and forget and now she is calling me back? Why did I call her? I thought that I had paid into my retirement system already. I took care of all of that months ago, didn’t I? What does she want? What is wrong NOW?
“I apologize that it has taken me so long to call you,” Jeanne from PSRS began, “But our Medical Advisors were in the office today and they approved your Disability Retirement Application.”
“What?” I was shocked. I had completely forgotten that, when I had completed my paperwork to become a fully vested teacher in the retirement system, I ended up discussing my medical situation with a PSRS representative. Within that conversation, the representative encouraged me to accept a Disability Retirement Application. I filled out the application at the same time as I worked on Disability Provider A’s Evaluation Form and had been so consumed with the Extension Approval that I had not remembered to follow up with PSRS.

PSRS approved me for Disability Retirement.

But, what did this mean?

I wrote down Jeanne’s contact number, along with the information that she stated so matter-of-factly through the phone and I asked if I could consider the proposition before I accepted the offer.

Why was PSRS approving me on the first try? Why did Disability Provider A approve me on the first try? Why am I different from all of the other stories that I was told? I cannot help but think that I must be one of the worst cases that any Disability Provider has ever seen if I am going to get approved on the first try with two different companies. Am I really THAT disabled? Is my recovery really THAT hopeless?

What exactly was PSRS offering? They want me to retire from teaching. They want to be my Disability Provider. They want to help me.

I knew that this was good news, but I was looking for the catch, as there is always a catch.

I cannot benefit from Disability Retirement until I retire from Special School District, where I am currently considered an employee on Leave of Absence. Following the “Rule of 80” I am supposed to be eligible to retire when I am 55 years old. I am 31. I have NEVER heard of anyone retiring at such a young age. Have you?

I could not bring myself to do it. No matter how much of a benefit that PSRS was offering my family... I. Could. Not. Retire.

The other day, I was running errands and a sales person asked for my email address. As many of you know, it is steph2teach@emaildomain. When I gave the sales person the address he said, “Oh, you’re a teacher!”
“Yes, I am,” I said. I did not even consider the fact that I had not taught in over a year. My name is Mrs. Dodson. I am a special education teacher. I am a teacher. It’s what I do. It’s who I am.

If I retire, what am I? Who am I?

Not long ago, I made a new friend named Hailey. Hailey and I had a very deep conversation about life the other day. Hailey married her high school sweetheart at age 18. They could not wait to start a family and soon after marriage, they had four children together. Then, something terrible happened. Her husband committed a crime and was sent to jail. Hailey tried everything that she could do to support her four children, all under the age of five, but it was never enough. Since Hailey began a family at such a young age, she and her husband decided that Hailey’s career would be a stay-at-home mom. Any mother can tell you that motherhood is a full-time job, and Hailey was good at it. No, she is great at it. Now, Hailey is expected to give up her position in the family and get a job. But, she has no experience, no education beyond high school and no professional training. Because of her background, Hailey could only get entry-level jobs at extremely low-paying companies. After she paid for day care for all four kids, filled her car with gas and went to the grocery store for the week, she was left owing more money than making it. What was Hailey to do? She turned to her family for support, moved in with her parents and agreed to keep her role of Caregiver.

Even though Hailey believed that she was following her purpose in life, she explained to me that others did not accept her decision – even some of her close friends and family members judged her. People called her lazy for not working; they thought she was not being a good mother for not financially supporting her children on her own. They knew of the path that led Hailey to her situation, but they still condemned her. Hailey cried to me, saying, “Our society does not value people who put their families first. They want you to put your career before anything else, and if you do not have a career, you are seen as no one and worth nothing.”

Unfortunately, I knew exactly what Hailey was talking about. Even though no one has directly said to me, "You are lazy. You need to try harder to recover. You are nothing without your career," I felt that way. I FEEL that way. Whenever I run into someone whom I have not seen in years - who does not know of my situation - I become embarrassed. I do NOT talk about my disability. I speak as if I am still teaching, as if I go to work every day. It's easier that way... There is less explaining to do. There is no judgement. There are no questions of "Why don't you get a second opinion?" which I HAVE. And there are no, "Oh, you hang in there, you'll get better!" which I likely WON'T. In fact, I ran into a fellow teacher at my old school the other day. She asked me how my back was and I told her that my doctors told me that my disability is permanent and that I can no longer teach. She asked, "So what are you DOING?" What?!? I just told her I am disabled! And, she of all people saw how terribly difficult it was for me to work that last year I taught! I felt extremely judged and worthless. For some reason, everyone is more comfortable with the idea of me teaching than with the truth...

Is Hailey right? If I retire, do I lose my worth as a human being?

I know that the best thing for me to do is to retire. By retiring, I am guaranteeing a monthly income to my household, even if it is significantly smaller than any salary that I have ever made as an adult. By retiring, I am ensuring that I will have the funds to cover my new, ridiculously expensive health insurance costs. By retiring, I an guaranteeing myself and my family a future - one which we can COUNT ON. We do not need to wait every 12 months to get re-approved for a situation that is not changing. We will have benefits for the rest of my life. I find extreme comfort in this security. I no longer feel like I am trapped, like I did when I wrote the blog "Permanent Without a Plan."

But... By retiring, I am saying good-bye to Mrs. Dodson. By retiring, I am conceding to the fact that I still have twenty-four years left to pay off the enormous student loans that I took out in order to get a career that I will never, ever again access.

As of August 31, 2012, I am no longer a teacher. I am no longer contributing to society in the workforce. I no longer have a career.

Without a career to grant me a title, who am I? Who will I be, besides... DISABLED?

What defines YOU outside of your career? Who are YOU outside of your job? Leave a comment or send me an email to share your thoughts!