Since my spinal fusion surgery, birthdays have been… complicated. My birthday is on August 11th. I had my surgery on June 24, 2010. On August 11, 2010 – about six weeks post-surgery – I turned the Big 3-0. August 11th also happened to be the first day of school for teachers. Because I was in SO much pain from my first day back at work post-surgery, and I was a newly-married woman, my 30th birthday was the first birthday of my LIFE where I did not see my parents.
Now, there were many reasons behind this – none of which were my family’s fault. They would have jumped over the moon to be there with me on the day their oldest turned 30! I was confused... Gage and I were newlyweds and I thought that once you got married, you stopped seeing your entire family for everything and you shared those “special moments” with your spouse. That’s (mostly) what Gage’s family did – his mom lives in North Carolina, and most of his siblings live out of town - and they always celebrated birthdays through phone calls and cards in the mail. That’s what I was supposed to do now that I was a married woman, right?
On top of my newlywed nonsense, I was a teacher and August 11th was our first day back in the building for the school year. At that point in my recovery, we thought that I would be able to work, even though I required an armful of pillows, a mouthful of pain pills and I used a walker to get around the building. I had been struggling with immense pain since the surgery, and when my mom and dad and sister and brother-in-law offered to take me and Gage out to dinner ON my birthday that year, I had to say “no.” That first day back at work was so incredibly painful for me that as soon as I got home from work, I laid down on my couch and sobbed in agony. When Gage got home from work a few hours later, he did his best to treat me to a wonderful 30th birthday. He eventually convinced me that I would enjoy going to my favorite restaurant down the street. He promised me that if we went early enough, we would beat the dinner rush and I would be home in an hour. Gage was right. I made it through my birthday dinner. I enjoyed the time with my husband, but I really missed the rest of my family.
Of course, my Birthday Dinner was merely postponed. My dad’s birthday is on August 17th, so a few days later, all six of us (Kathy, Bruce, Bonnie, Shay, Gage and I) went to my favorite place then had cake and ice cream afterwards. But, my mom and I vowed that – as long as our family lived in the same city – we would NOT miss another birthday… EVER!
A year later, on my 31st birthday, my parents and Gage threw me a 30+1 Party. Since I was not well enough to celebrate turning 30 like most people my age, we just waited a year. I wanted to be sure that ALL of my family was there, so I invited my parents, my in-laws, my cousins, my aunt and uncle, my close friends and my neighbors. Gage serenaded me with the Karaoke machine, we played games that revolved around 30+1 (think Baskin Robins and 31 Flavors) and we enjoyed huge amounts of food and drinks. It was a wonderful party! The only problem was, I still did not know my pain tolerance and after only a couple of hours, my back was throbbing beyond comprehension and I spent the week following the party in full recovery.
My 32nd Birthday is this coming Saturday. At the beginning of the summer, my mom suggested that The Turners (we still refer to this group as “The Turners” even though there are technically only 2 Turners in the group) go to The Botanical Gardens Lantern Show. Since my birthday is on the weekend this year, and the Lantern Show only comes in the summer, we thought it would be the PERFECT celebration! My parents as well as Gage and I are all members of The Botanical Gardens. Gage and I typically go during the week, in the afternoon when it is less-crowded. That way, we can take our time. I can sit and rest when necessary. There is ample parking and not a large crowd pushing into us. However, we recently learned that The Lantern Show is not the typical day at The Gardens. It was estimated that over 15,000 guests attend The Lantern Show EVERY SATURDAY.
Immediately, we started strategizing when we learned of The Show’s popularity. My parents had already been to The Lantern Show this summer, and they explained that I would, without a doubt, require a wheelchair. They described the event “like a cattle herd” where there were bodies and bodies pushing into each other and prodding one another along. They said that there was nowhere to sit, either. The chair would be multi-functional. It would transport me when walking was too painful. It would release me when I needed to sit down but no bench or chair was available. And, it would protect me from the crowd.
I did not put too much thought into The Chair until yesterday. Gage called The Botanical Gardens to reserve a chair for me for this Saturday evening. Because I am so limited on how much time I can physically spend at The Gardens, we planned on arriving closer to sunset. The Lantern Show opens at 5:30pm but the lanterns are not lit until after 8:00pm. On average, my body can handle any social activity for no more than 3-4 hours. Keeping that schedule in mind, if I arrived at The Gardens at 5:30pm, then I would need to leave at 8:30pm. Very likely, the sun would not even be set by then! Unfortunately, The Gardens would not reserve a wheelchair for me. They recommended that we get there as soon as it opens to guarantee that I can use one of their chairs. Even when Gage explained to them my “situation,” they told Gage that they could not reserve me a chair. Gage started researching where else he could rent a wheelchair for me. He found a place that charged by the day. Gage and my mom worked out how they would get me the chair so I would have it at The Gardens, even if we did not get there until just before sunset. Then it hit me: I would be spending my 32nd Birthday in a Wheelchair.
I could not accept that fate. For some reason, borrowing a wheelchair from The Gardens after I had arrived, “in case” I needed it during The Lantern Show was something I could swallow; but renting a wheelchair for the weekend, loading and unloading it in The Botanical Gardens parking lot and wheeling it around the entire time was just too much for me to cope with.
My best friend told me “Don’t make it about the chair!” She instructed me to USE the chair as a means to enjoy The Lantern Show. She tried to encourage me that no one cared about the chair but me. And, she is right. But, I do care. This birthday, the chair wins.
For people who don’t have a disability, the concept of a wheelchair or other handicap support is simple. And even though I have come a long way with the acceptance of my condition, I am not prepared to be labeled or gawked at, especially on my birthday. I can remember how, before my surgery, I would have loved to have a handicapped parking sticker for those long shopping marathons. Today, however, I am going to my Pain Doctor to pick up my handicapped parking forms, and it makes me sad. Yes, I may get Spot #1, but at what cost? Similarly, if I used a wheelchair at The Botanical Gardens I would likely receive special treatment. But, even though it is my Birthday, I just want to be like everyone else…
We decided that on Saturday my family and I are going swimming. Even though I cannot technically swim, I can lie in a lawn chair and I can float on a noodle. My scar is almost invisible now, even in my bikini, and I can do (almost) everything that my family can do, too. It will be just like any other summer day at the pool, except we’ll have a good excuse to have ice cream afterwards.
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