The News

I am sorry to have kept you in suspsense. Rather than re-write history, I will share with you the letter that Gage and I sent to our family last weekend:

Hello my Loved Ones!

I wanted to update you with the latest news about my back & Disability...

On Friday, I saw my Physiatrist, The Pain Doc, whom I have been seeing for my pain for over 3 years. Up until now, he has been "on board" with me trying different Vocational Rehab trials, pain management techniques to maximize improvements and even been in agreement that - if my ob says I can one day get pregnant - he'd help me get through the pain of pregnancy. He, like my entire PT Team had hope that I "could" get better; that I "might" return to some form of work; that we "could," one day have children and that the pain, "perhaps," could reduce through interventions. However, Friday was "The Day of Truth."

As most of you know through seeing me, talking to me or by reading my blogs, my pain has been spiraling out of control for the past few months, and even more severely over the past 3 weeks. Seeing The Pain Doc was part of the "What Now?" Process. On Friday, The Pain Doc regrettably informed us that this is, indeed, a "PERMANENT" situation.

That being said, he wants to start a more "aggressive" pain management treatment (stronger meds), he agrees that we should not biologically pursue having children and that he will, from the medical doctor's standpoint, support the process of filing for Permanent Disability. He wants me to continue my other treatments, too (Physical Therapy, Acupuncture, Chronic Pain Counseling, Biofeedback, etc.).

Also, on Thursday, (while preparing me for The Pain Doc's appointment) my Physical Therapist Team says that they fear I might be moving in another direction (aka - "not foward"). The fusion has now caused a trigger of side-effects, one in which they explained is "the surgeon did not fix the curve of your spine, and now that your lower-back is fused (aka 'stuck') the Scoliosis has no where to go" (so it is affecting/hurting other parts of my body). They are working on "respiratory-re-setting" (because my diaphragm is "compromised" from the Sciolisis) along with other types of alignment and traction treatments so they can work on the new pains in my: hip, upper back, right low-back, neck and both shoulders). Fun stuff to hear, huh?

Even though Gage and I have discussed this (the possible "permanency" of pain and a lifetime of being disabled) for the past year, the reality of our/my situation hit us both very hard - in shifts - over the past 72 hours...

We knew I'd probably NEVER teach again... We thought I might not be able to bear children phyically (and have even shared with some of your our thoughts on adoption and foster care), we discussed that this could affect a lifetime of: holidays, vacations, family-gatherings and even weekends. But, when a doctor agrees that I do, in fact, have a PERMANENT Disability, it stings. It hurts... It is downright devestating... (to BOTH Gage and I).

I talked to my mom and dad Friday Night when I got home from the appointment. So lovingly, they said, "We'll get through this together!" and "We know you will one day have a family - and we will love and accept anyone in that family!" and "We'll work harder on organizing the holidays so that we can all be together" and things like that. We recieved an exceptional amount of support from that!

Gage and I know that you will respond the same way. For that, we are so thankful and so blessed to have each of you in our life!

I pray that this does not truly affect the rest of my life - that one day I will be healed. We are open to finding new treatments, going to other hospitals, seeing new doctors, looking for alternative healing methods, and waiting for medical advances. We are also hoping that "permanent" is not exactly our "forever."

But, for now, if I (or we) have to tell you "no" because of my pain, or cancel last-minute, or re-arrange something due to my disability, I wanted you to know that these are not things done lightly or without love. I know that you all love us and want the best for us - and for that, Gage and I are so thankful! I love each of you and I know that you will support Gage and I down this long road ahead of us.

Love,
Steph and Gage

For some of you, this may not be "news" - but to us, the transition from "TEMPORARY" to "PERMANENT" was a huge one. Gage and I needed time to digest & process the information before we opened it up to others. Many of you, I know, also have permanent conditions. I applaud you. I applaud you for living your life and for showing me how to LIVE ON - with a Permanent Disability.

I have already gotten a second opinion; however, I am still scheduled to see my Primary Care Physician this Thursday to bring him up to speed. After that, we are looking at a great deal of paperwork as I begin the steps for applying for Permanent Disability (please pray with me that it gets approved so that Gage and I can receive some sort of financial support) and then I need to let the school district know whether or not I am completely resigned... Lots to do. Stay Tuned!