Our Soundtrack

“Music is what feelings sound like,” (Unknown).

They say that scent is one of the strongest human ties to memories. While I do not deny this, I also believe that everyone’s life has her own soundtrack to take her down memory lane…

This blog is dedicated to two very special people in my life, my friends Stephanie and Melissa. I have known them for years. I have created millions of memories with each of them. My friendships with each of these leading ladies have soundtracks of their own…

I met Steph when I was 18 years old and a Freshman in college at Mizzou. Soon, she became my friend, then my best friend, then my roommate; now, she is a part of my family…

Steph and I filled our days (and years) with many activities; however, when I think of my College Days with Steph, my fondest memories are of Steph and I on the dance floor. We went out dancing at least 4 nights each week. One night, we’d go to a Reggae Club, the next night it was Techno, the following night we were swaying to a Jam Band and the next night we were jiving to Hip-Hop.

Stephanie’s (now) husband (then) worked for a place called the Blue Note, which was a popular Club in Columbia, MO for both concerts and dance parties. Steph and I practically lived there for the four years I was in college. We literally danced the night away…

When I first heard Katy Perry’s song, “Fireworks” I thought of Steph. This was the type of song that would drive Steph and I to the dance floor. This was the type of song that we would make us jump up and down, kick out our feet, throw our hands into the air and shake the hair out of our ponytails.

“Fireworks” by Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

This weekend, Gage and I were driving home from running errands and “Fireworks” came on the radio. I was exhausted and felt defeated. We only went to two stores; we were out-and-about less than two hours, yet my body screamed from pain.

When this song came on the radio my eyes filled with tears. Will I ever be able to dance with Steph like that again?

When I got home, I got on my computer. My friend, Melissa, had recently sent me a touching email in which she actually had written ME a song.

Has anyone ever written a song especially for you? It’s the most honoring, magical experience and gift that someone could give to another person!

I have known Melissa for five years. In that time, she and I have done everything from girlie-spa days to kickboxing classes to leading our own Women’s Group at church. Like with Stephanie, Melissa and I started out as friends; now she is family…

I often call both Stephanie and Melissa when I am feeling desperate and overwhelmed with emotions regarding my pain and my circumstances. Last week, Melissa wrote me this song:

(VS. 1) Why you?
Why now?
There's just too much at stake

Cry it loud
Cry it hard
But don't cry alone, you're not alone

(CH.) I know it's rough
I know there's pain
I know you've come so far

Try to look up
Try to look out
You're not alone in this

(VS. 2) Just relax
Take is slow
You've worked so hard to get here

Just refrain
Take some time
Child, You know I'll be here by your side, by your side

(Refrain) I know You're the start
I know You're the end
I know You're the start
I know You're the end
And I know You're here, You are here with me.....

Then, Melissa wrote,
“Now read it again, but think of it like this:
The first verse is me talking to you. The first chorus is also me talking to you.
The second verse is God talking to you. The second chorus is God talking to you this time.
The refrain is you talking to God. :O)”

I, of course, cried when I read this – how could my dear friend know my heart so?

Then I realized that those who know me truly know both me and my physical situation. They are my Prayer Warriors; they are those who call every week to check-in on me, they understand when Gage and I have to say “no” to an invitation, they offer me their chairs when they find me standing, they open the door for me, they are those who carry my bags up or down a flight of stairs, those who listen to me when I am in despair, those who protect me from physical harm and they hug me when I cry…

Those of you who know me, know my heart. You know me beyond my job, my husband, my circumstance and my pain; and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

Friends (and Family) like Steph and Melissa have made great efforts to adapt to my new, limited life. Instead of dancing and kickboxing, we paint our nails and have girl-talk over coffee; instead of going on road trips, we have phone-dates; instead of nights on the town, we have game-nights at home; instead of spending the day shopping, we spend the day at my doctor’s office. Friends like Steph and Melissa don’t just dance with me, they sit by my side and sing along…

Thank you for the song…

Someone Like Me... All Screwed Up

Yesterday, Dr. Julie said to me, “Steph, you are such a good writer, I wish that there was some way someone like you could share your story with others who are experiencing chronic pain.” I was very honored by Dr. Julie’s compliment, especially considering the fact that she has only seen my writing through regular medical emails.

When I got home from her physical therapy appointment yesterday, I opened my blog for the first time in weeks… Who is “someone like me?” She is a 30-year-old woman who has lost her youth. She is a person who lives with pain day and night, hour after hour, every second of every moment in her life. She has to say “no” to family, to friends, to parties, to baptisms, to the movies, to church, to helping others, to funerals, to after-school meetings, to going on dates with her husband, to traveling, to birthday parties, to even petting her dog if that dog happens to be lying on the floor lower than the degree she is allowed to bend forward… She used to be an athlete; she played soccer, softball, was on the swim team, voted co-captain of her cheerleading squad, took tennis lessons, joined a kickboxing class every week, did yoga and pilates daily, enjoyed gliding down Grant’s Trail on her bike, even trained to run a marathon… Someone like me wakes up every morning afraid of the day, knowing that even if she planned every second of that particular day, something unexpected could occur that would trigger a degree of pain that was unbearable and she wouldn’t know how to make that pain go away; not that it would matter, for the pain, no matter how intense or minute, never truly goes away…

Someone like me does not have blood coming out of her ears. Her bones are not wrapped in a cast. Her skin is not black-and-blue. She does not have tubes coming out of various places in her body. She sometimes doesn’t even walk with a limp…

Dr. Julie understands this. However, she said that if others-like-me had a voice, maybe people in their lives would understand the severity and daily burdens of someone like me who suffers from chronic pain…

It’s been a while since my last update… A LOT has happened, both in my personal and medical life… The last blog I wrote, I dedicated it to those friends and family members who have been there, by my side, through it all. Three days after I wrote that blog, one of those very important, wonderful, special people passed away unexpectedly. Since that tragic day, even though I know writing this blog is both therapeutic to me and informative to those who read it, I could not make myself sit down to write it. However, after talking to Dr. Julie yesterday, I realized that Someone-Like-Me needs to keep writing Something-Like-This….

Medically, the tornado has touched down again. While waiting for my operation report (aka, the “op report”) from The Surgeon’s office, I was able to sneak a few post-operation x-rays to Dr. Julie. Dr. Julie had been waiting for these x-rays because she had a hope and a theory and a plan to treat my pain. Upon reviewing the x-rays, however, even her hopes were shaken…

For weeks, Dr. Julie had been focusing my treatment on my hip alignment; however, she was concerned because she knew that The Surgeon added “extra” screws to my pelvis during the spinal fusion surgery. Dr. Julie was afraid that the screws were inserted into my iliac joint – according to the x-rays, her fears were confirmed. Because the screws are where they are, my body is extremely restricted. Dr. Julie said, “I don’t know how your surgeon ever thought that you could recover with these screws located where they are in your body! They are restricting your body to such a degree that it is reacting with severe, acute pain directed mostly to your hips – which are over-compensating for the restrictions in your back; however, the screws are also restricting your hips….”

Why did The Surgeon put those screws in those particular spots? We don’t know. I had to go through a very tedious process at Wash-U which involved contacting the Records Department, waiting for release forms, completing such forms, sending them back to the Record Department and now I have to wait 30-45 days to receive the op report, along with any additional information that we could get from The Surgeon that might shed some light onto the function of the screws.

My first reaction to the news of the screws was, “Do I have to have surgery again to get them removed?” This question TORTURED me. The pain that I experience every day is a paper-cut compared to the knife literally in my back and the pain that followed that excruciating surgery. Once I got home from the hospital, I recall begging Gage, “Please, don’t ever let me have surgery again; I couldn’t do it; I can’t do it again…”

Dr. Julie said that there are many risks to getting the screws removed. More importantly, she said that option is not going to be discussed until more information is discovered. Dr. Julie wants to wait for the op report; then she will consult with a Physiatrist regarding the physical impact of the screws. If, in the op report, Dr. Julie clearly sees a functional reason for the screws, then her Medical Team is going to do everything they can to “structurally create a dysfunctional way” to work with the screws and still provide treatment that will lesson the restrictions in my body and, with all hope, decrease my pain. If the op report does not clearly explain the function of the “extra” screws, then she said we would consult with several other medical doctors (including surgeons) to review the risks and benefits of keeping the screws in the back versus removing them.

And now I wait… I painfully wait… Dr. Julie cannot officially begin a specific Treatment Plan until we get the op report and she then runs the information by a series of professionals. So now, while I wait, Dr. Julie and her amazing staff of physical therapists, pain management specialists and Biofeedback therapists, receptionists and office manager try to help keep the pain at its least.

Someone like me, today, is all screwed up…

Eye-Opening

I awoke this morning feeling “different.” Different is such a cliché word, so, as I write, I will try to articulate it better. I feel lighter. I feel motivated. I feel emotional (that’s not too different of a feeling for me, yet it is how I feel nonetheless). I feel as if I finally surrendered…

I have written about the Friendship Devotional that I have been participating in with my friend, Danielle, before. As I got up this morning, I felt motivated to play catch-up with the book, for over the past few weeks (even though it is only February 7th and I started the Devotional on January 1st) I have not made it a priority. In fact, I have not done much to make God or my relationship with Him much of a priority at all. Yesterday, I decided that that needed to change; more importantly, I need to change.

Today, my husband began a 20-day fast. Friends of ours, Jason and Melissa, inspired Gage to sacrifice for God as a declaration of and submission to his Faith. Yesterday, during an emotional roller-coaster ride I endured while we held an Open House for our still-on-the-market Kirkwood home, I had a very enlightening conversation with Danielle regarding the same subject (submission). Since my surgery, I have felt the need to take control of my recovery; with that, I have tried to control my body, my household, my finances, my workplace, my environments (including the weather!) and my relationships. Since my surgery, as the pain increased and my hoped declined, I have felt so out-of-control that, instead of giving it – ALL of it – to God, I tried to handle it all myself.

A long time ago, Melissa told me one of her favorite prayers, “When I cannot, God can.” As I read my devotional today, I was reminded of this prayer when I read, “God often puts us in situations that are too much for us so that we will learn that no situation is too much for him,” (Erwin Lutzer). Danielle reminded me of this fact, too, yesterday when she re-told the sermon which she heard that morning. She said, “Nothing on this earth is ours, it is all God’s. Our money is His. Our bodies are His. Our possessions are His. Our relationships are His. He never takes anything away from us that He didn’t belong to Him first…”

This realization hit me hard. It made me recognize that instead of being angry with God that my body is still hurting and healing, I need to be thankful that I have legs that walk, hands that can hold others and eyes that see. This awareness also made me see that instead of my resentment towards our Kirkwood home, I feel thankful that, even though I am not working full-time and Gage and I are trying desperately to pay our medical and monthly bills, we have not needed to go into credit-card debt or borrow from others in order to pay for both of our homes. Additionally, even though I have not gotten to go shopping for “fun” items (such as clothes, shoes or other girly gems), I have not gone a day without food, water, shelter or love. I feel as if my eyes are finally open to my blessings and for that, I am eternally thankful!

At the appointment I had with my Surgeon on Friday, we left with little news. On the positive, the x-rays revealed that bone is starting to grow around my fusion; therefore, validating that the fusion “took” and that the surgery “was a success” (according to my doctor). Even though I still battle pain, I will acknowledge these statements as a victory and a gift! Unfortunately, The Surgeon could not speak to my hip problems. At first, this made me angry, for he is an Orthopedic Specialist (as my mother-in-law sang to me over the phone when I told her what The Surgeon said, “Isn’t the hip-bone connected to the spine-bone?”) and I wanted him to have all of the answers. But, he is a Spine Specialist. Then again, as my other mother-in-law reminded me, “That (The Surgeon’s specialty) is what makes him so good!”

Even though on Friday, I was not granted answers nor pain-relief,I realized that I still have many blessings in which I am looking forward and thankful:
- Bernie, the wonderful assistant at The Surgeon’s office, offered to show my hip MRI to the Hip Specialist at her office. She said she would be happy to consult with him and then call me with his recommendations.
- While at The Surgeon’s office, his specific PT, Janet, (whom is not covered under my insurance and also whom The Surgeon required me to see regarding consent over post-operation exercises and treatment) happened to be in the office, so I was able to spontaneously have an appointment with her FREE of charge! Janet gave me a list of some light exercises I can do to build my upper-body strength; however, after reading my MRI report, she acknowledged my sprained hip and told me to follow Dr. Julie’s treatment plan regarding Aerobic Exercise and low-body work-outs. At the end of the consult with Janet, she remarked, “I have heard of Dr. Julie. You are in good hands.”
- Tomorrow, I go in for the second-half of my PT eval with Dr. Julie and my long-awaited Biofeedback appointment with Mark. While I am there, I have my Scholarship Application ready to turn in and will hopefully begin the process to receiving financial assistance for my pain-management treatments.
- Gage and I are working as a Team to determine the next best-steps regarding the Kirkwood house. We have faith that God will continue to provide for us so that we can manage both households – even if, due to my new treatments and hip sprain, I may need to take more time off of work to heal.

Most importantly, I am SO thankful for the support I have received from all of my family and friends. I cannot thank each and every one of YOU enough! I have posted some pictures of those who have been by Gage and my side through the pain and laughter these past eight months. This blog is dedicated to each of you (those pictured and not-pictured; you know who you are...). THANK YOU! I love you!

4:1

The other day, a friend at work asked me, “We (she and her husband) pray for you everyday; are any of the prayers being answered?” She asked me out of both sympathy and humor and I responded the same, “I hope so!”

The past few weeks have been admittedly difficult for me, beginning with the MRI. As teachers, we learn to base our responses and reactions with a 4:1 ratio; the goal being to provide four positive feedback/responses to every 1 negative. However, Gage and I listened to a sermon on Sunday which reminded us that Christianity and suffering go hand-in-hand. Keeping both of these philosophies in mind, I will try to inform you as best possible all that I endured the last two weeks and what the next few weeks have in store for me…

(Negative #1) The technical jargon of the MRI report is as follows:

Written Report Findings: “There is no evidence of fracture or marrow edema. Note is made of simple appearing cyst measuring 12x7 cm in diameter located in the anterior inferior portion of the right femoral head. The bony anatomy of the hips are otherwise unremarkably bilaterally. The femoral heads are well-rounded. There is no significant joint fluid.

There is made of edema within the tissues of the quadratus femoris muscles near their trochanteric attachments, left greater than right suggesting myositis or muscle strain.”

Impression: “Edema within the tissues of quadratus femoris muscle near their trochanteric attachments, left greater than right. The appearance suggests myosistis or muscle sprain. The examination is otherwise unremarkable with note of a small, simple appearing cyst in the right femoral head.”

What does all this mean? I think it verifies that the pain I’ve been experiencing along my left hip joint, left diaphragm and left leg is due to sprained muscles; basically, I sprained my hip. And, apparently, there is note of a cyst on my right hip.

(Negative #2 – already blew the 4:1 ratio!) Even though my Surgeon received this information the day after my MRI, he refused to talk to me about it until my appointment, which is scheduled for this Friday. His lack of communication only led me to lack of information as to how to treat both my sprained hip and recovering back. (For a sprained him, one should rest and use heat/ice and anti-inflammatory drugs; for back surgery recovery, one should walk 3 miles each day, avoid ice or cold and stay away from anti-inflammatory medication…)

(Positive #1 – only 7 more to go…) Upon receiving the MRI report, my first thought was, “I’m not crazy!” You may laugh, but with each appointment that I see my Surgeon, he tells me over and over again how “atypical” my results are, essentially blaming me for my poor – or abnormal – recovery. With these MRI results, at least I have reliable data that demonstrates that there are mechanical problems within my body that are both causing my pain and decreasing the success of my recovery.

(Positive #2) One week after I received the MRI results, I was able to see Dr. Julie, a physical therapist (DPT – which means she has her doctorate in physical therapy) who works with Dr. Mark and who is the President of the Rehab Facility where I have been receiving my Biofeedback therapy. (She “squeezed” me in after hearing “my story” from Mark.)

(Positive #3) Dr. Julie does not take my insurance; however, having spoken to Mark and the office manager, she arranged to see me as a “cash patient” for a reduced fee.

(Positive #4) At my PT evaluation with Dr. Julie, we hit it off immediately. Ironically, she shares my birthday! As we spent several hours together, first going over my medical history, then as she gave me my (excruciatingly painful) physical evaluation, we learned that we have a lot in common. We “clicked.” I looked at the shared birthday and interests as a God Wink… Throughout the entire visit, I felt at peace with Dr. Julie. Not only that, I felt that she could actually help me.

(Negative #3 – it’s going to be hard to keep up with the positives now!) Mark originally recommended that I see Dr. Julie to get a PT consult. He suspected that I had problems with my hips and wanted Dr. Julie to evaluate me and give me some advice in which I could pursue treatment on my own. After a two-and-a-half hour evaluation, Dr. Julie told me that she was not finished with the eval, and that our hope for self-treatment would not benefit me as much as if I were to see her on a regular basis. Dr. Julie told me that I suffer from: hip misalignment, malnutrition (due to my decreased appetite because of my constant pain and pain medication) and sleep deprivation. She said she can help me with all of these things, but that we need a Treatment Plan; then, she acknowledged that since my insurance does not cover her services, I cannot afford her.

(Positive #5) Throughout the evaluation, Dr. Julie learned that I have not worked full-time, hence, have not received a full salary, since August 2010; she also learned that I have many medical bills and that starting January 1st, my Insurance Co. re-set their deductables and increased their co-pays, which meant that I have several cash-payments due very soon; additionally, she learned that we have two mortgages, as Gage’s (our) Kirkwood house is still on the market and that both my husband and I are teachers; consequently, earning “teacher’s salaries.” Even though all of these financial woes are not a “positive,” Dr. Julie told me that her company offered a Scholarship Program for “people in my financial situation.” Dr. Julie told me to talk to the office manager and see if I am a candidate to receive assistance; therefore, I could officially become Dr. Julie’s patient. I called the office manager and she said she’d have the Scholarship application ready for me tomorrow. We are praying that I qualify!

(Positive #6) CALLING ALL DOCTORS! The same week I had my MRI, Mark encouraged me to speak to my Pain Management Specialist, Dr. Wayne, regarding my medications. Mark has known that, for months now, the medications prescribed by my Orthopedic Doctor/Surgeon haven’t even come close to cutting the edge off of my pain, and he thought that I should try a non-narcotic pain reliever. I called Dr. Wayne who kindly called me back that same day and agreed with Mark. Without even having me come into his office for an appointment, Dr. Wayne consulted with me over the phone, taught me how to stop taking the narcotics and prescribed a non-narcotic pain reliever. I have been on the new medication for over a week and, even with the hip sprain, I am noticing less pain, better sleep and fewer medicinal side-effects.

Unfortunately, I did not meet my 4:1 ratio; however, it has come to the point where I can tell you what lies ahead… On Friday, I have an appointment with The Surgeon. I anticipate him being rigid and impersonal. I also expect that he will not address the sprained hip or the cyst (not “his field”); additionally, he will likely disapprove of me calling Dr. Wayne and stop taking the narcotics that he prescribed (even though narcotics are much more harmful. Fortunately, both Gage and my mother-in-law, Karen, are accompanying me to the doctor appointment. I truly feel as if, prior to each visit, I need to prepare an army of advocates to be on my side, for The Surgeon has a relentless way of making me feel inferior and as if any and all problems of my recovery are entirely my fault.

For you Prayer Warriors out there, please lift me high this week… I pray for answers regarding my recovery and treatment for ALL of my suffering. I pray for kind doctors and affordable remedies. I pray for emotional and physical support. Most importantly, I pray that I am reminded that God has a plan for me; He has not left me alone in this challenge; He will provide and He will heal me.

Preliminary MRI Results

I went in for my MRI yesterday. After a grueling 2 hours in painful positions, the preliminary results were as follows:

- Neck: normal
- Spine: curvature detected
- Low Back: scoliosis and "noted changes since surgery" (whatever that means...)
- Hip MRI: muscle sprains

Now, on top of my back "problems" I have what can be only described as "beyond a reasonable doubt" evidence of hip problems, too.

I should receive the official Radiology report within a few days, and I will take this information to my Biofeedback Specialist and Physical Therapist on Tuesday when I have my follow-up appointment.

Stay Tuned...

Eye on the Ball

For Christmas, my dear friend Danielle gave me a Friendship Devotional. Our goal is to, together, read one page each day and then once a week, we are to journal-and-connect about something in which we read. The book is amazing; it even has a page on the 7th day called "To Ponder with a Friend" that includes 4 discussion questions or goals. Because Danielle and I both lead demanding lives, we decided that we would choose 1 topic question to focus on together.

This week, the question that struck out the most to me was:

“There is something about the faith of a child… Have you ever been touched by a child’s faith and belief in God or a prayer a child has prayed for you? If so, write or share about this. What did you learn from that child?” (Aldrich & Fuller, The One Year Women’s Friendship Devotional, 2008).

Even though, working in a school with students with special needs, I encounter more than one moment each day where I am “touched” by a child; however, when I read this topic, my mind kept returning to a moment I shared with my faithful pooch, Lady, about 4 years ago.

My friend Melissa came over to my old apartment with her dog, Bailey. She and Bailey were playing with Lady and me when something in particular caught my eye… When it was Lady’s turn to play fetch, she wouldn’t keep her eye off the ball. Her body was in the “ready” position, her happy tail wagged expectantly, and she was genuinely smiling. I said to Melissa, “I want to always look towards God that way.”

Dogs are such amazing creatures! Their love is so unconditional; they never question your commands; every encounter with you is as cheerful as the next; they are loyal; they are forgiving. I’ve often thought that we could learn a lot from our pets!

I was so touched by my metaphor with Lady’s eye-on-the-ball as it related to my walk with Christ, that I tried to capture it on film; however, even the pictures didn’t do the moment justice. Nonetheless, whenever I play fetch with Lady, she never fails to demonstrate the same excitement, trust and anticipation as she did that day when we played with Melissa and Bailey.

I wish I could say that my walk with Jesus has been as loyal; I wish I could say that I have never doubted His commands or the challenges brought into my life. I wish I could truthfully say that I have always kept my eyes on God even when suffering or confused…

This past week has been particularly challenging for me and, I admit, I have not responded to God’s tests with unconditional love and loyalty. Regarding my recovery, I learned that these next two weeks are going to be tough to say the least. Dr. Mark has repeatedly suspected that my pain has a root beyond my back; two weeks ago, using muscle-contraction sensors, we deduced that there are some major discrepancies between my left low-back and right low-back muscles, in addition to suspect hip-joint conditions. He offered two theories:
1. Even though the spinal fusion surgery may have helped my disc problems in my low back, if “the mechanics” (as Mark refers to my body) are not in place, neither the Biofeedback therapy nor the surgery are going to relieve my back and leg pain.
2. Based on the sensor-responses through the Biofeedback therapy, we noted that even when standing on my right foot and putting all my weight on the right side of my body, my muscles showed no sign of contraction or distress (whereas they did on my left side and, frankly, should have); Mark’s theory is that if is not related to a hip-problem, then it may be a neurological problem.

“What’s the plan?” Dr. Mark asked me upon discussing these theories and my up-coming February 4th appointment with my Orthopedic Surgeon. Ideally, I would:
- continue Biofeedback Therapy once/week
- get an MRI for my hips and back
- get a Physical Therapy Evaluation
- consult with a Pain Management Specialist
- consult with a Primary Physician.
Realistically, I cannot physically do all of these things, so on Tuesday the 18th, I have my MRI appointment; on Tuesday the 25th I will have a physical therapy evaluation; I will cancel my Biofeedback appointments during those two weeks and then see Dr. Mark on February 1st then take all of the gathered reports to The Surgeon on February 4th. Additionally, my Primary Physician cannot see me until April and I will attempt to have a phone consult with my previous Pain Management Specialist before I see The Surgeon.

Whew! Just thinking of the busyness of the weeks ahead of me is exhausting! And, as I admitted above, hearing the news that my pain could be caused by more than my recovering back, I was deeply discouraged. I cried continuously for two days; I withdrew from my husband, my family and my friends; I found tears welling in my eyes at work at inappropriate times; and, instead of giving my concerns to God and asking my Prayer Warriors to fight for me, I literally turned off the lights in my home and tried to hide from the pain, my schedule and my reality.

On day 3 of my dark-hole existence, I read something inspirational in my Devotional; then I returned to the Discussion Questions. As always, Lady was at my side, head in my lap while tears dripped onto her fur, when God reminded me of that day, years ago, when I played fetch with her…

Lady doesn’t care when I throw the ball or how many times I play with her each week; she just knows that if she brings me a toy, I will throw it for her. Lady doesn’t mind if I am an hour late feeding her; she just knows that I will always give her food. Lady doesn’t expect me to pet her 1,000 times a day; she just knows that I will never ignore or neglect her. In looking at my (six-year-old) pup, I remembered how I should be looking to God.

In order for me to keep my eyes to the Lord, I recognize that I cannot question Him as often as I do; for I need to “just know” that He will always care for me and provide, even when discouraged, in pain or penniless. I must stop trying to control every aspect of my life; I need to “let go and let God” take over. I will start sharing with my loved ones my challenges and my cries, for God has placed them in my life to lift me up to Him when I am too weak to lift my own eyes to heaven. Most importantly, I will not give up on my faith and the faith that God’s plans are much greater than my own.

Goodbye for Now...

"Maybe I should sell my bike," I suggested to Dr. Mark.

During our most recent Biofeedback sessions, Mark and I began discussing the reality of my condition. He did not tell me, "you will not get better;" however, he said that it might help me recover if I stopped thinking about everything that I cannot do; which is difficult, because there is little that I can do that can distract me and to replace these menacing thoughts. Mark explained that the only way for me to get over the part of me that is currently disabled is for me to grieve it.

What do I miss???

- I miss doing yoga; I miss stretching; I miss pilates; I miss working-out; I miss running; I miss walking my dog; I miss playing tennis; I miss kickboxing; I miss swimming, I miss hiking...

- I miss being able to go shopping, to go to the grocery store, to do laundry, to clean my house, to try on clothes for fun, to pet my dog while standing, to make my bed, to put on shoes, to do the dishes...

- I miss dancing at weddings, going to the movies, seeing a play, enjoying a two-hour dinner, going to a party with more than 10 guests, planning social events two-nights in a row...


For my 29th Birthday, Gage bought me a bicycle. My birthday is in August. Early that summer, Gage and I had taken up cycling and I loved it! I felt like a little girl every time we went down a steep hill and my stomach hit my throat. I literally squealed with joy at each downward slide! Despite the love of the ride, I threw my back out that very July. Gage and I both thought I'd "get better" and he went ahead and bought me my beloved bike for my birthday so that I no longer had to use one of his "boy" bikes. That was a year and a half ago and I've ridden my beautiful, purple bike with a ladybug helmet one time.

When I learned that I would need spinal fusion surgery, we kept the bike. It was something I could look forward to when I recovered. It was my future reward for enduring the pain and achieving the desired results. However, as months went by and my recovery endured challenge after challenge, I started to look at the bike with contempt. We stored it in the garage and after each trip, whether it was to the store or coming home from work, I looked at the bike and realized that it was taunting me. Every time I stepped into the garage, I saw my nemesis. My bike became my back's enemy.

After my Biofeedback session with Mark, I spent weeks crying. All I could think about was all that I was missing. I felt that I had nothing left in life in which to look forward. I explained what I was going through to my compassionate husband, and when I told him that I was considering selling the birthday gift that he had so thoughtfully given me, he said, "I understand. Whatever you need to do to grieve, I support you."

So I grieved... as with any mourning period, I had to say good-bye to my past and all that I lost.

Last week, I started to come to terms with my mourning and my reality. Most importantly, I decided not to sell my bike. I also decided to stop looking at everything that I was missing, and start looking at how far I've come in my recovery. I decided that it is time to look forward to life post-surgery...

Since my surgery, I can now:
- walk 3 miles without my walker
- slow dance in the kitchen with my husband
- (attempt to) work 4 days each week
- cook a meal for my hubby at least once a month
- go to a matinee show as long as I bring a pillow and go to a theater where I can stretch across a row of seats
- have friends over to visit and not retire after 2 hours
- help Gage with small chores around the house
- do mild stretches
- take a bath (oh, how I missed those bathes...)

I look forward to a million things after I fully recovery. My top three are:
1. Riding my bike.
2. Playing tennis.
3. Traveling to see long-distance friends and family.

In every season of grief, there comes a corner which one must turn. For a while, I turned my back on the hope that I will one day recover. Even though I still have a journey ahead of me, I have faith in each step that I now take, for the steps are becoming less and less painful every day and the distance is increasing each week.

One day, I will feel my stomach drop at the bottom of a hill while on two-wheels again...